Salt Lake Tribune | 1917-03-18 | Page 26 | A Fine way to Start a Column

A FINE WAY TO STAET A COLUMN. It is easy enough to be pleasant, Devoid of the grumps and the blues. But the fellow -worth while Is the one who can smile When he's wearing a new pair of shoes. Our government secret service is on the job twenty-four hours per diem. Ilaving learned that we had acquired wealth enough to purchase h pair of shoes, the U. S. A. immediately kicked in with some more income tax dope. Davo Fultz might have been a modern Doit Quixote, but he neglected to hire a Cervantes for a press agent. Not that, we mean lo belittle Mr. Fultz 's efforts in behalf of the starving starv-ing ball players, but it is hard to sink a battlesnip' with a megaphone. While boxing is persona non grata or non compos mentis or e pluribus unum or something like that, this is a sporty little village just the same. A whist tournament is about to be pulled off in our midst. Benny Kauff declines to nrodict that he will hit .300 this yea;, leading one to suspect that he is once more able to wear a hat of ordinary size. YOU CAN'T BUY IT FOE A SONG. Sing a song of sixpence, But what will sixpence buyt Four and twenty iron men Won't buy a blackbird pis. Fiftv thousand for a scrap between Willar'd and Fulton. Wo never suspected sus-pected that there was that much Mexican Mexi-can currency in circulation. David once made a bum out of Go- liath, but it is hardly possible that IaviJ Fultz will trim organized baseball. base-ball. You can't siuk a dreadnought with a beanblower. Some of our experts are old enough to remember wheu Oliphaut start evl playing college football. Johnny Maulbeteh3 we read, wants to become an aviator. During the late lamented season he has watched Coach Yost go up in the air. Amateur wrestling, quoth a scribe, is on the increase. . They all look like amateurs when they mix with Steelier. Darey will bo a seasoned veteran when he decides to join tho army. Having Hav-ing mingled with various alleged fight-promoters, fight-promoters, he is immune to poison gas. Being a holdout on the Pirates is a precarious job in these warlike days. Lots of persons have walked the plank. Garry Herrmann, we understand, has offered the ubo of his ball park to the army. All of which is Quite appropriate. The Reds have been soldiering for years. To say nothing ot the army game. Clark Griffith Is looking- for younger players, but he hasn't made any serious attempts to get rid of Walter Johnson. Mexicans in.EJ Paso object to gasoline baths. As we understand it, however, it is not the gasoline they object to it's the bath. Efficiency experts tell us that the discussion dis-cussion of the three-mile race vs. the four-mile race has wasted wind enough to enable a crew to row a five-mile race. TRAINING. A fighter trains on tennis with a racquet in hia mitt; He learns by playing on the lawn to feint and block and hit. A baseball player takes up golf to train his eagle eye To land upon the horsehide pill and shoot it far and high. I know a lot of tennis stars, and yet I never eaw A star who learned the tennis game by swinging on your jaw. You wouldn't play a baseball game to learn to drive and putt. r A stunt like that would simply show the symptoms of a nut. But fighters take up tennis when preparing pre-paring for a scrap, Aud baseball players tease a little pill around the map. I often think when reading all this phoney training salvo The game of bull is just about tho best old game we have. "Ping Bodie,'1 we read, "is bound to become a fixture in Connie Mack's outfield." out-field." Ping has changed somewhat in the last two years. AY hen he was with the White Sox he was a fixture on the baselines. Bat Nelson was the first champion to ' realize that it is not proper to wear tin ! ears with a soup-and-f ish costume. He went and had 'em dinned. FOILED. "Where, O where, can I beat it now?" The fighter asked with a puzzled brow "Where, O where, can I beat it for If the U. S. A. is involved in war?" We are skeptical of the report that Barney Dreyfusa has lost $70,000 on the Pirates in the last three years. Barney is still alive. SAFETY FIRST. It Is an ancient mariner. He ehuns the stormy sea. "I sail no more from yonder shore To brave the wave," says he. "In every storm on every sea In all the world I sailed, And, what was worst, I stood the thirst When all the redeye failed. "But I have quit the ancient game, I'm off the seas for good And seek to learn a way to earn A safer livelihood. "I love the sea, the open sea, And yet I do not care To have torpedoes boosting me Up vonder Golden Stair." X: SOME HAVE IT THRUST UPON THEM. Consider Al McCoy A lucky sort of boy. He hit George Chip A lucky clip And now oy yoi! oy yoi! GOOD EXAMPLE. The athlete may not earn his daily bread, Nor keep the wolf from howling at his door, Although he risks his vertebrae and head In daily strife and sheds his youthful youth-ful gore. ' ' Beware, ' ' the coach remarks, "be-waro "be-waro the pros I Beware tho lure of filthy cash, my lads!" And, having said his little piece, he goes And draws his pay about five thousand thou-sand scads. "I often think," the football player says, While wearing last year 's frazzled overcoat And stalling off the bills in varied - ways, "I often think that I am but a goat." The new contracts handed to ball players are an imposition. They almost require a ball player to earn his salary.