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Show HHIOIl OF THE DAY JOKES AND WITTICISMS HAT HAVE PLEASANT FLAVOrt. Youngster's Ingenious Device for Keeping Baby Quiet Bachalor'a Idea of tha Family Sceptor Her Reason. The Bachelor's Idea. "Of course." aald the bachelor, thoughtfully. "Ihere ran be no auch thing as Joint rule In a family. Someone Some-one must lie the head." "True, hut the scepter paaaes from one (o another." "How?" "Well, at Iho beginning of married life the hiiahand holds II: then It gently and unol.trualvely pauses to the wife, and he never gets It back again." She keepa It for ever?" "Oh, no; tho baby gen It next." An Oxygenarlan. "There la an acquaintance of mine," remarked the doctor, "who gives him-aelf him-aelf aire becnui-e he waa given up to die thirty yean ago and haa kept himself alive till now by taking oxygen." oxy-gen." "How old la ho now?" aaked tho nrofcMor. "Over 80." "Ilea what you would call an oxygenarlan. oxy-genarlan. la he?" aald the profcasor, looking at him with half aliut eyes. Plausible Supposition. "Isn't It awful how thin Mr. Hon-oeck Hon-oeck la now?" remarked Mra. nubble (o her husband. "And ho used to be ao stout!" "Perhaps." chimed In little Willie, remembering his trouble with his bicycle bi-cycle Urea "perhapa hla wire forgeta to blow him up regular, like you said alls Used to." When You Put It That Way. Argumentative :"ron It aeema to me this theory of the Immortality of the aoul la baaed merely on a aelflah hope. It has no philosophical baala. fan you see any reaao i why I, for In-aunce. In-aunce. should be perpetuated In an-other an-other atate of existence? Conciliatory I'erson No, I confess I can t. His Private View. Wederly Hero's an Item abont man who kept his bank account In hie wife's name. Mrs. Wederly That's as It abould ie. All men are not fools. Wederly Of course not. my dear. There are still a few old bachelors lefL His Blunder. "Hiyl" she cried suddenly, aa the baahful young man backed Into the nearest chair, "you must think you're bird." "Ileg pardon." he stammered, "I don't understand what " "You're on my bat!"' she shrieked. Couldn't Oo Tee Sown. Frid Mother (listening to bahy'a erleei : "What a sweet toned voice she his. dear! She'U be a splendid singer. We must send bvT to Italy and have her voice cultivated." Husband (Irritably, from behind tho evening paper): "Bend her now." Knew It Waa a Fraud. He (doubtfully) There a ar little fnvklo on your cheek, don't you know. I I have heard tha'. freckles can be removed by kissing. Hhe Oh that la a fraud. Cotialn Tom and I havn been experimenting on that all summer. A Catastrophe. A prim maiden lady of Olonrester Met a hull which ran after aud tuueea- ler; Though she landed all right. She was near dead with fright And the ahock to her feelings ft concenter. con-center. Reason Enougnl J urn lie (refusing to marry couple because the man Is drunk) Are you not ashamed to marry man lu auch a state? Lady Hut he won't come here when he's sober. Perhaps Meant for Sarcasm. "Yea.'' said the head of the firm. "Miss Addle Is a good bookkeeper, but he makes some queer mlatakes." "What, for Instance?" aaked the alien! al-ien! partner. "Well, she enters our messenger hoy's wages under the head of 'run-uihg 'run-uihg expenses." " Overcrowded Already. ".'he's Just cra.y lu go on tho Stllge." "Then shod belter not. What tho Hiuu.i mods most Is sano actorB." Positive Proof. .IiiilgeWbat proof have we that this mail U absent minded? Attorney Why, i,e actually stopped hla auto-mobile auto-mobile 'i( a watering fouuta'u. Evidently Used Up. Mni. Meadow-land (early mornlrg) f guess thai cliy gentleman we took to bonrd for t.ie Hummer ain't much used to travelln' In the cara. He must a' been all fagged out when ha got here yesterday, though he dldn t ray nothln' about It. Farmer Meadowland-He looked cheery enough. Mra. Meadow-land Yes. but here It Is 'most 4 o'clock, and breakfast all lea.ly, and he hain't waked tip yet." The Skin and tha Graft. "Truly," aaya the patient who la being be-ing akin-grafted, "surgical science is a wonderful thing." "It Is," aaya the friend who la help. Ing out with the required akin. "First (hey akin me and then they graft you: but after you get well and they send In the hill you II find that you've been aklnned for their graft." Judge. Keeping Him Quiet "What are you making that terrible terri-ble noise for?" "I'm keeping baby quiet." "Whcro'a the baby?" "Under tho tin." Careleea Girl. "Such rareleasnesa la little abort nf criminal," thundered Dr. I'rlce rrlce, angrily, "Oh. doctor." sobbed Mra. Sasalety. I. led. -r e nurse girl, "do you blame me for the hahy'a lllnesa?" "Moat assuredly. You should know better than to leave It alone In the care of Ita mother even for a moment." mo-ment." Nothing to Live For. Mra. Ilenhain Tho paper tells of a bad accident. Ilenham What kind of an accident? Mrs. Itenham A woman'a dresa took fire and waa ruined and tho woman wom-an was ao badly burned that she will not recover. Benham I don't suppose she want! to recover If her dress Is ruined. Hla Sympathetic Nature. "Well, I'm glad this rag time muale la getting out of dale," remarked the business man. ' "I'm sure It gave me indigestion." 1 "Nonsense!" ) "Fact. The orchestra at the restaurant res-taurant where I take my lunch always played It, and I couldn't help keeptua time- with my Jawa." Cane Ve. Beet. "Why do you call him Cain?" to quired Adam. "Because the little darling can't be beat." replied Eve, with feminine logic. Thirs waa Die 8ugar Controversy started In Paradise; the young min i subsequent career leaving It an opes question. Recrimination. "Do yon anppoae that It waa a rrat apple?" aaked Eve aa they were dla cussing the unfortunate rontre temps "No." aneered Adam, with a pointed glare. "It waa a lobster apple!" Cuffing Utile Abel, ho passed oul Into the night, while Eve wept bluer ly, realizing that slang waa now to la) added to her other trouble!. The Smell Brother. "I heard him call you 'Duckie,'" announced an-nounced the small brother. "Well, what of It?" demanded bla aiater defiantly. "Oh, nothln' much." answered the small brother. "1 was only thlnkln' t-aybe ll'a because of tho way you walk, but It ain't very nice of him." And the Joke Was Ruined. The facetious hoarder had the train all laid for a killing Joke. "ll a a wonder." he said, "that you didn't serve up this duck feathers and all." "The next time." said the landlady with marked emphasis, "I'll serve her up bill aim all." Sensible Resolution, "What," asked the dreamer, "would you do If you could be a king for a day?" "I?" answered the practical man: "I'd borrow enough money to live on for the rest of my life." |
