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Show like train km Lefers"ad0febo i , l V . .i X ' V. -i j V i x- " X v i v .,' V V ' s , S l L ' it x x F " x x I h - ' ' XX X I f " T r , w v , .1,1 ' f . . - v ' i 'i -' -J 1 ' ' J Mr. Irwin and His Jap Valet. WALLACE IRWIN'S chief claim to fame Is his authorship of the letters of the Japanese boy, Hashimura Togo, which have convulsed his paler face readers for years. Irwin will long be remembered remem-bered for adding this distinct and delicious novelty to America's library of wit and humor. No form of humor is more delightful than the dialect form, but it is absolutely the most difficult to handle. But what F. P. Dunne has done with the Irish, George V. Hobart with the German, T. A. Daly with, the Italian, William Drumrrrond with the Canadian French, Wallace Irwin has done with the Japanese, and . has done it as no one ever even attempted to do. Before he created Togo he got a name for himself In the humorous and permissible use of slang a3 remembered remem-bered In "The Love Sonnets of a Hoodlum." In fact, Irwin has proven himself a very versatile purveyor of humor, and he Is still at It. His Togo letters appear each month in Good Housekeeping Magazine. The writer dropped in to see Mr. Irwin the other day, and heard a few new ones. "Zlro, my Jap valet, was serving my breakfast the other morning," said Mr. Irwin, "when he paused and addressed me with a rather amusing line of talk. "'Mr. Eving,' he said, 'I, too, read Togo story tn magazine. maga-zine. Is very funny, Mr. Eving. Everybody talk about 'em. I got little brother. He reads, too.' "I told him I was very glad he appreciated my efforts at character delineation and a lot of that kind of stuff. Then he continued: 'Mr. Eving, all my Japanese friend, they like you write talk like they do English. They all buy magazines and read, too. I tell them you are very lovely gentleman, Mr. Eving. Some of them are jealousy.' "Of course it was all right for Zlro to put me in the Buddha class, and 1 really think that he is loyal to my interests right through to the last ditch. I went on with my eggs and patted myself on the back at the same time. "That evening he greeted me effusively with his funny little smile and then handed over this one: '"Mr. Eving, please, can you make for me raise pay?' - "While out in Frisco a while ago I heard another version ver-sion of the prehistoric 'climate' story, which may possibly pos-sibly hit you as more or less new. I'll play the part of the boob, and tell It In this way: , "I was walking down one of the main streets one morning when I noticed some gigantic pumpkins displayed dis-played In a dairy lunch window. I paused to admire them, and they Impressed me so forcibly with their massive mas-sive proportions that I said aloud, 'Some pumpkins!' "A guy near me took exception to my statement 'They're not punkins,' he said, 'They're grapefruit.' "Of course my wonder soared.' 'How on earth can they grow grapefruit of that size out here, or anywhere any-where else?' I asked him. '"Reg'lar California grapefruit. It's climate, my boy, climate.' "I walked along, and he walked along wifh me. Turning Turn-ing a corner, we came upon a man who looked to be about sixty years old or young would be better with a crowd standing around. He was selling hounds ten feet long. I asked the guy with me how dogs could grow t so big, even in California. "'They're not big,' he said, 'they're only pups. They'll ' grow three times as big as that. Then they use 'em to pull up trees.' "I staggered. "'That's the way we do things out here,' he went on, 'It's climate, my boy, climate.' "We struck a country road, and set back a bit on a beautiful lawn was a large house, and on the porch a beautiful woman, who looked about forty, but this fella said she was 107. She was surrounded by about thirty children. 'That's the most marvellous family I ever saw. Some climate,' I said. 'No, you boob,' he yelled, 'That's the orphan asylum.' "I was fired from Stanford University for stealing chickens. I was broke,' and I had to do something or not eat. With forty cents In my pocket I legged it to Frisco and scouted around for a Job on a paper there. Nobody was taking anybody on, especially If they had had no xperience. "It seemed to me Just then that the most valuable 8set I could have had would have been newspaper experience. ex-perience. So I resolved to get some, even if it only amounted to hanging around an office and watching others, or sitting In the press room to see that the wheels went around all right. "There was Just one paper In town that wasn't making any money, and they were about to close their shop. They couldn't pay any decent salaries, and all their good men had left them. I asked the editor for a Job. He said he couldn't pay me anything. , So I told him I'd work tor nothing. "He let me run about half a column of bum verses every day. I used to sign the stuff, and they'd call me the boy poet, Kid Byron, Young Shelley, or whatever came first to mind. They tried to make a news reporter out of me, but I was the worst that the town had ever ( - seen. I'd go to an assignment and come back and write everything but the news. "But my verse3 got me a job with pay. for Ashton Stevens Ste-vens sent for me and had me attached to the Examiner. vJne night the city editor sent me around to Chinatown see what was doing. They insisted that 1 ought to & .a - y , , . i By This Warfare I Broke Considerable Flies and Other Dishes. have general newspaper reportorlal experience before specializing. When I got down in Chinatown I went into a Joss house and sat there listening to 'em yell and sing, and absorbed a little of the local color. I thought I'd come into the office the next day and do a great story on it "As soon as I reached home the phone rang, and the city editor asked me what luck I'd had, and what I'd seen In Chinatown. I told him what I'd been doing there, and he said: ' '"I just thought I'd call up and tell you the news. There was a hundred thousand dollar robbery Just around the corner from that Joss house an hour ago. You go get a Job on a magazine.' " Letters Sent to Wallace Irwin by Japanese Followers of Hashimura Togo. IT TTR. IRWIN, IJ Dear Mr. Irwin. A I beg to respectfully to an application for the position of the cook. Beg offer to my sarvice to your house. I was your employ 1912 to 13, and since I left Ashland I steart business in Lancaste, Pa. But has not siccess, and I desire to position In your family or some place, and if you need, kindly inform m at the Vine Club, Philadelphia, and thanking to you for the hos-pitility. hos-pitility. I shall not ever forget that pleasant times which I was Ashland. Hoping to you give a favorable reply, Very yours truly, KOXDO SHLMAMURA. Dear Sir: For friendship pretense you wrote Japanese correspondents letter to magazine from idea to humor jokes. How much you are unacquainted! If Japanese education should talk similar from how you say, what could they pronounce worthy of noble? Please think angel and not deTil about foreign yellow or you will be scornt by heathens too Christian association for that. I do not wish cause Japanese war by this speech, but merely to scold you with insulting voice of dove, j Tours sincerity, KURO BANSHI. Dear Sir Irving: ' I am understood how you racquire the knowledge of chauffeur chauf-feur for you ottomobile. I am delicious to do this horsepower or any other American ediication which is equal. If desire you can apply ma any time when racquired. Your truly friend, 'THOMAS FTJRO. Irwin's Hoodlum Humor. THROUGH the "Love Sonnets ot a Hoodlum" runs the story of the love of Willie for his Mame a tale of woe expressed ex-pressed in more slang than even the American language has been credited to possess. Bad luck hovers close to the doughty lover's standard and Murphy carries off the lady. Willie Bings of the sad culmination to his wooing in the following: At noon to-day Murphy and Mame were tied. A Gospel huckster did the referee, And all the Drug Clerks' Union loped to see The queen of Minnie street become a bride, And that bad actor, Murphy, by her side. Standing where Yours Despondent ought to be. I went to hang a smile in front of me. But weeps were in my glimmers when I tried. The"pastor murmured, 'Two and two make one," And slipped a sixteen k on Mamie's grab; ' And when the game was tied and all was done, The guests shied footwear at the bridal cab, And Murphy's little gilt-roofed brother Jim Snickered, "She's left her happy home for him. The two last c'jnzas of the epilogue have this ring to them- To just one girl I've tuned my sad bazoo. Stringing my pipe-dream off as it occurred. And as I've tipped the straight talk every word. If you dont like it you know what to do. Perhaps you think I've handed out to you An idle Jest, a touch-me-not, absurd As any sky-blue-pink canary bird Billed for a record season at the Zoo. If that's your guess, you'll have to guess again, For this I fizzled In a burst of glory, And this rhythmatic side-show doth contain The sum and substance of my hard-luck story, Showing how Vanity is still on deck And humble Virtue gets it in the neck. Roosevelt a la Ulysses. jTHF Tddysee" tells how the godlike Teddysee, our strenu-T strenu-T , Theodore, sets out for Oblivion, but misses the train B ou' tnto Africa he hikes to Cairo, and on the way be He wanders into Atnca ne After-many travels he returns to i3 a part of the "High Tariff Spinning Song : "If rplift is good and they say that it is It-, bullv in any direction; It's fine in Religion, it is better in Biz, n, t in Tariff it's simply perfection, fin fP hike up the schedules on stockings and breekf. On rice, cotton, flour-can you beat 'em? But we'll let down the bars on Italian Antiques, Because folks can't wear 'em or eat 'em." After many deeds of daring, our Strenuous One slides down, the chute into the infernal basement of Hades. There he chats, with the crushed spirits of his foes; and also beholds the spectres of many familiar monsters. These grizzly shapes are called on to give their college yell; whereat they roar it out in hideous chorus: "We are the Grafters, We are the Thugs, We are the Crooks and the Shorts and Ugs; Wre are the Preds And the Wealthy Mais, We are the Corporation Pals; We are the Rebate Spoils Distributors, We are the Campaign Fund Contributors; The Meddling Mats, The Mollycods, The Standing Pats, The Salary Gods; The Grubs of Gammon, The Slaves of Mammon, The Pork-Keg Grabbers, The Cork-Leg Stabbers; , The Senate Protected, Boodle Directed, Toothless, Truthless, Utterly ruthless. Soot-bad, Loot-mad, Cogs unclean, Of the old Republican Coin Machine. Har! Har! That's what we are!" From "Omar Khayyam, Jr." A GRAND Piano underneath the Bough, A Gramophone, a Chinese Gong, and Thou, Trying to sing an Anthem off the Key Oh, Paradise were Wilderness enowl Creation stands between the Won't and Will; Yes, and that Doubt Infinitude might fill It took nine Tailors once to make a Man; It took nine more to ma.ke him pay the Bill. Then let the beloved Tobacco be my Sheath, The ardent Weed above me and beneath, And let me like a Living Incense rise, A Fifty-cent Cigar between my teeth. Togo on Bill Board Advertising. IN travelling through American scenery by rail-car, I cannot interest my brain-thoughts in birds and flowers, because of large conversation which persons has painted all over nature. By sweet runny-brook is sign-post of fierce red to say, "Sizzo Table Water. It Is Sufficient." By grandeur of top-mountain Is reckless blue motto, "Circulation of Daily Bazoo Is Making Climb Up." By lovely oat-patch is signature, "Morman Oats They Chew Themselves." Meadow of grass Is full with gigantic hop-frogs, aggressive bottles, magnificent lady-corsets, etc., which eminent American sculptors has cut out with saws. Nature is somewhere behind these, but what is she doing? Maybe she Is trying to grow. Fricken Chickasee. ' BEHIND enlarged fence resembling criss-cross wire we could hear sentiment expressed in song of young hens growing up to majority. We make walk-in. 0! What charming varieties var-ieties of feathered scratchers was there stalking forth & back while pecking bugs from weed! How dainty it were to see them chasing butterfly with flop of wing while yet others declined de-clined idly beneath trees, while scratching their chests with dirt. "How fortunate it are to be a bird ! " I holla happily. "While man must lay bricks, birds merely lay eggs." "These do not deposit eggs," she renig coollshly. They am only size hens." While she spoke this dishcouragement to my poetry, long came one enormalous high hen of serious suffragette appearance appear-ance who waltze upon scenery with such appearance of bulldoze bull-doze that all chickens scatter frightly. "O! suredly such exaggerated hen could lay egg, If not too lazy," I narrate hashly. "She might, but could she?" require Hon. Mrs. ohe are a rooster." I did not say my reply. Togo's Ideas on Automobiling. SOONLY there is a red whizz passing. It are a automobile of French extraction and Irish disposition. By front seat sets fatty gentleman who Is a owner of some trusts, because he look like it. Nearly to him sets Hon. Chaffer clasping teeth for nerves. "What speedometer is it?" asks Hon. Truster, eating some dust. "60-mile hourly we are goin? it." say-lio with wheel?. "Extreme slowness," derange Hon. Finance. More pushes by gasoline. "Of what speedness now?" examine them Trust Magnet. "75-mile horse-power." say Hon. Chaffer with lung. "Exaggerate it!" elapse Hod. Boss for mania. Hon. Chaffer trv-to. but Hon. Car make an try rage of coc-s and do an explosion hv fenc? where fraxions must be eolle-t--! patiently. Injury is enjoyed by ail pasiengern who is afar off among clover-field where They flew to. He Tackles the Tango-Tea. IT was very hard science to describe this tsneo-waMz wnn I saw it. Mr. Editor. It are similar to a minuet danced by t ? . V ' -x 1 x A ' ' - v v v,-tVtT anQv '.v. v .- " Moving Day Also Sorry to Observe so Much Jugs, China and Ancestors Bursted by Striking Me While I Worked. eels. Angry elbows sepm to bo slipping around everywhere?, while each ladies and gentleman see.m to be walking sidewHve without intending to go there. Such chuekly movements of ducking away from music amid bounces! Such clutch and jolt containing great poetry! 1 could not umlerslnnd how persons could do this American jiiirjitsu without injurious breakage of their personality. And yet no ambulance was called. The Weak-Enders. ffyOGO," she say it, "at toot of 2:22 train Mrs. & Mr. Ax- 1 weilder will arrive in custody of Hon. Husband. Kindly to hitch down Sarah, the horse, to fashionable bug-wagon and elope to depot with coachman expression." , I go forthly to horse-garage where Hon. Sarah stood eating his oat. So I hitched it and ininde immediate race-course to depot where I stood proudly clutching harness with grand thumbs resembling Newport. Toot-toot of 2:22! Three human personalities eloped forthly from Pullmanly train. One were Hon. Spiggott. appearing full of courteous peev. Another was one enlarged gentlemen of Republican expression. Another were a very stretched lady whose nose contained great snobbery amidst eyeglass. "It are soch pleasant change from our usual wealth to bo tTotting behind mild horseback instead of whixzlng as usual in expensive ottomobiles," she snuggest sweetishly as we wo jogg off. "We prefer this style of locomobile bocauso of its health," groweli Hon. Spiggott. Yet he attempt to appear hospital. He Swats the Fly. I!0W much flies we caught this a. m., Togo? Sho ask it. O "Six," I say it. "Five house and one butter." "Unloosen Hon. Butterfly," she dement. "We should not punish nature's lovely insex because of sins of others." So I grab that lovely insex and attempt remove him from his sticky toes. But when I done so he turn meanly unci bit me on thumb with hot end of his poison tail. "That butterfly are a wasp!" I lecture . amid Japanese word curse. "Wasps does little harm," sho say sweetishly. "What little they does can bo noticed immediately," I snarrel. And so onwards. After 2! days of continuous fiyinanship I became extremely skilful in murder. My ears became very bright by listening for flies. At distance of 66 ft. 1 could hear Hon. Fly walking UP windows. Then was tlmo for me. My eyebrows, containing gunpowder expression peculiar to liwana Tumbo. 1 hide behind curtain-shade with cruel hand containing swat-slick. Hon. Fly approach, little imagining. Now and occasionally he slop and rubb his mittens together so they will be more ready to catch more diseases. Still I await. Of suddenly I arise uply, sllentl, like eels drinking milk. And then. Swats!!! By this warfare I broke considerable flies and other dishes. ' Moving Day. A T lastly morning of May date arrive. I awoke and called mo early, wishing to think Tennyson poem, but could not do because rain ensued as usual ond It-alion-speaklng shovels were digging gas-hole In street and amidst intense onlor of smell. I hear noise of considerable "Whoa!" befront of house. Lock, see! Three swollen wagons resembling circus was there, while three drivers, assisted by enlarged Irish, epoke language to hors-es wearing overalls. I niBh downwards to open door and all Moving Vanners rush Inwards intending to make jiu-.illsu with furniture. "O, plea?e!" collapse Hon. Mrs. while them (i Vanners looked cruelty at piano while unrolling their giant muscles. O, please; be gentle with my home!" "Mrs. Lady." says Hon. Boss Mover, makine: chaw-lobae -o. "strong men are always kindest." With siu-h dictation he embrace em-brace Hon. Piano with terrible Titrkh h elbowH and kno k off several legs by removing door-knob while brushing too close. Assisted by considerable Irish, Jinn. J'lann make crash-hung music by stumbling into Van. "How could you treat music so earelussly?" chock Hon. Mrs., ringing her hands. "One cannot be- a Rambuv and a Padcrewskl a' same moment." mo-ment." snuggest Hon. Boss Vanner, while performing with bed furniture. Togo Runs a Furnace. J BEGIN to dlshcover he arc like linn, U'thnvin, famus piano-p;aver piano-p;aver he got r'-d-hot sou insKi- his homely faer-. It were pleasant to watch him "at f.H wortii very hard coal and purr from sweet diz'-stlnn. It are nice to he healthy. He seem to contain no meanness. V; li'-n I close bis mouth with shove' tie for-ive that ImpoJUcaciS. He lovo to have me comb his ashes with poker. Pret'y soonly. v.hile doing (his. I Win to fee! like engineers pinning Lu !tania. I d"cirate my complexion with Bmndres nd imagine how J.oiil) Newport, pa?VenirrK was on upstairs dock congratulating sit in!ellenee. While thinking Ihusiy I poke rnort- rr,al into inflawc! i.ouh ft Jsn. F irnai-e. Vet I keep my se-r.!iic fyeslght on Hon. S'-ai 'Joe for see he did not over-inn over-inn . n 'i lli-.. thusiv csuslni: riani.!. to '-:pJo'ie. Tnis ensrineeriih work f' hii so heroie that I grew quit peev cbo..- n:'::elv !,ous'-rn. Menl y work. Vtt 1 van hired to do. i peri'.'i'm tV.m with oisi.'u?t. |