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Show I 1 'lEEMW IK Wffl JM1 HEIW I Byce v.Hobl I John Henry on the Servant Problem. t 7 HEN Peaches and I get tired of the Big Town tired of its noises and hullabaloo ; tired of being tagged by taxis as we cross a street; tired of watching grocers and butchers hoisting higher the cost. of living that's our cue to grab a choo-choo and breeze out to Uncle Peter Grant's farm and bungalow in the wilds of Westchester, which he calls Troolyrooral. Just to even matters up, Uncle Peter and his wife visit us from time to time, in our amateur apartment in the Big Town. Uncle Peter is a very stout old gentleman. When he squeezes into our little flat the walls act as if they were bowlegged. Uncle Peter always goes through the folding doors side-ways, side-ways, and every time he sits down the man in the apartment below us kicks because we move the piano so often. Aunt Martha is Uncle Peter's Hj wife and she weighs more and breathes often er. When the two of them visit our bird cage at the same time the janitor has to go out and stand in front of the building with a view to catching it if it H falls. When we reached Trootyroo-ral Trootyroo-ral we found that "Cousin El-sie" El-sie" Schultz was also a visitor there. "Cousin Elsie" is a sort of privileged character in the fam-" fam-" ily, having lived with Aunt Mar-tha Mar-tha for over twenty years as a Hj sort of housekeeper. They call her "Cousin Elsie" just to make it more difficult. Three or four years ago Elsie married Gustave Bierbauer and quit her job. "Cousin Elsie" believes that conversation was invented for her exclusive use, and the way she can grab a bundle of the English language and break it Hj up is a caution. Language is the same to Elsie as a siphon is to a highball and that's a whole lot. Two years after their mar-riage mar-riage old Gustave stopped living so abruptly that the coroner had to sit on him. The post mortem found out that Gustave had died from a rush of words to his brain pan. The. coroner also found, upon further examination, that all of these words had formerly be-longed be-longed to Elsie, with the excep-tion excep-tion of a few which were once the property of Gustave's favor-ite favor-ite bartender. After Gustave's exit Aunt jMartha tried to get Elsie back on her job, but the old Dutch had her eye on Herman Schulz, and finally married him. So now every once in a while Elsie moseys over from Plain-field, Plain-field, N. J., where she lives with Hj Herman, and proceeds to sew a lot of pillow slips and things for Aunt Martha. One morning wliile Peaches and I were at breakfast Elsie meandered in, bearing in her hand a wedding invitation which Herman had forwarded to her from Plainfield. Being, as I say, a privileged character, she does pretty much as she likes around the bunga- Elsie read the invitation: "Mr. and Mrs. Rudolph Gander-kurds Gander-kurds request der honor of j'our presence at der marriage of deir daughter, Verbena, to Galahad Schalzenberger, at der home of der bride's parents, Plainfield, N. J. March Sixteenth. R. S. "Veil," said Elsie, "1. know der Ganderkurds nnd I know deir daughter, Verbena, und I know Galahad Schalzenberger; he's a floorwalker in Bauerhaupt's gro-ceiy gro-ceiy store, but I doan'd know vol it is dot R. S. V. P. yet!" r gently kicked Peaches on the instep under the table, and said to Elsie: "Well, that is a new one on me. Are you sure it isn't B. & 0., or the C. R. R. of Hj N. J.? I've heard of those two railroads in New Jersey, but I never heard of the R. S. V. P." For the first time in her life since she's been able to grab a sentence between her teeth and shake the pronouns out of it El-sic El-sic was fazed. She kept looking at the invi-tation invi-tation and saying to herself, "R. S. V. P.! Vot is it? 1 know der honor of your presence; 1 know der bride's parents, but I don't know R. S. V. P." All that day Elsie wandered through the house muttering to ' Jierself : "R. S. V. P.! Vot is it? Is it some secret between the ' bride und groom? R. S. V. P.! It ain'd my initials, because they begin mit E. S. Vot is dot R. S. V. P.? Vot is it? Vot is it?" That evening we were all at dinner when Elsie rushed in with a cry of joy. "I got it!" she said. "I haf untied der meaning of dot R. S. V. P. It means Real Silver Vedding Presents!" Pres-ents!" I was just about to. drink a tglass of water, but I changed my mind and nearly choked to death. Peaches tried to say something some-thing which resulted in a gurgle in her throat, while Uncle Peter fell off his chair and landed on a cat which had never done him any harm. Elsie's interpretation of that wedding invitation is going to set Herman Schultz back several dollars, or I'm not a foot high. And maybe they don't have their troubles at Troolyrooral with the servant problem. It's one hard problem that and nobody seems to get the right answer. One morning later on Peaches and I were out on the top porch drinking in the glorious air and chatting with Hep Hardy, who had come out to spend Sunday with us, when Aunt Martha came bustling out, followed by Uncle Peter, who, in turn, was followed by Lizzie Jones, their latest cook. Lizzie wore a new lid, trimmed trim-med with prairie grass and field daisies, hanging like' a shade over the left lamp; she had a grouchy looking grip in one hand and a green umbrella with black freckles in the other. She.was made up to catch the first train that sniffed into the station. Aunt Martha whispered to us plaintively: "Lizzie has been here only two days and this makes the seventh time she has started for town." Busy Lizzie took the center of the stage and scowled at her audience. "I'm takin' the next train for town, mem!" she announced an-nounced with considerable bitterness. bit-terness. Uncle Peter made a brave effort ef-fort to scowl back at her, but she flashed her lanterns at him and he fell back two paces to the rear. "What is it this time, Lizzie ?" inquired Aunt Martha. Lizzie put the grouchy grip down, folded her arms and said : "Oh, I have me grievances !" Uncle Peter sidled up to Aunt Martha and said in a hoarse whisper: "My dear, this shows a lack of firmness on your part. Now leave everything to me and let me settle this obstreperous servant once and for all." Uncle Peter crossed over and got in the limelight with Lizzie. "It occurs to me," he began in polished accents, "that this is an occasion upon which I should publicly point out to you the error er-ror of your ways, and send you back to your humble station with a better knowledge of your status in this household." "S'cat!" said Lizzie, and Uncle Peter began to fish for his next line. "I want you to understand," he went on, "that I pay you your wages !" "Sure, if you didn't," was Lizzie's comeback, "I'd land on you good and hard, that I would. What else are you here for, you fathead?" "Fathead!" echoed Uncle Peter in astonishment. "Peter, leave her to me," pleaded Aunt Martha. But Uncle Peter rushed blindly blind-ly on to destruction. "Elizabeth," "Eliza-beth," he said sternly, "in view of your most unrefined and unladylike un-ladylike language it behooves me to reprimand you severely. I will, therefore " Then Lizzie and the green umbrella struck a Case3r-at-the-bat pose and cut in: "G'wan away with your dime novel talk or I'll place the back of me unladylike un-ladylike hand on your jowls!" "Peter!" warningly exclaimed the perturbed Aunt Martha. "Yes, Martha; you're right," the old gentleman said, turning hastily. "I must hurry and finish fin-ish my correspondence before the morning mail goes." And he faded away. "It isn't an easy matter to get servants out here," Aunt Martha whispered to us. "1 must humor her." Then Lizzie and the green umbrella struck a Casey-at-the-bat pose. "Now, Lizzie, what's wrong?" "You told me, mem, that I should have a room with a southern exposure,'.' said the Queen of the Bungalow. "And isn't the room as described?" de-scribed?" inquired Aunt Martha. Mar-tha. "The room is all right, but I don't care for the exposure," said the Princess of Porkchops. "Well, what's wrong?" insisted in-sisted our patient Auntie. "Sure," said the Baroness of Bread Pudding, "the room is so exposed, mem, that every breeze from the North Pole just natch -ully hikes in there and keeps me settin' up in bed all night shiv-erin' shiv-erin' like I was shakin' dice for the drinks. When I want that kind of exercise I'll hire out as chambermaid in a cold storage. I'm a cook, mem, it's, true, but I'm no relation to Doctor Cook, and I ain't eager to sleep in a room where even a polar bear would be growlin' for . a fur coa." "Very well, Lizzie," said Aunt Martha, soothingly. "I'll have storm windows put on at once and extra quilts sent to the room, and a gas stove, if you wish." "All right, mem," said the Countess of Cornbeef, removing the lid. "I'll stay, but keep that husband of yours with the woozy lingo out of the kitchen, because I'm a nervous woman I am that." And then the Duchess of Deviled Kidneys got a strangle hold on her green umbrella and ducked for the grub foundry. Aunt Martha sighed and went in the house. "Hep," I said, "this scene with Her Highness of Clam Chowder ought to be an awful warning to you. No man should get married mar-ried these days unless he's sure his wife can juggle the frying pan and take a fall out of an egg beater. They've had eight cooks in eight clays, and every time a new face comes in the kitchen the coal scuttle screams with fright. "You can see where they've worn a new trail across the lawn on the retreat to the depot. "It's an awful thing, Hep. Our palates are weak from sa'i fi different styles of mashec k toes. j y ."We had one last wee answered roll call whe' U yelled Phyllis. : M "Isn't that a pcachl f handle for a kitchen quee a map like the Borough? ?: Bronx on a dark night? f ! "She came here well j mended by herself." Shi she knew how to cook I ward. ) "We believed her afte J first meal, because that'i IC she cooked it. I; t "Phyllis was a very in girl. She could cook anJ ? on earth or in the waters f neath the earth, and she j 'fl it by trying to mix teii nails with the baked bean "When Phyllis found was no shredded oats 1 5 house for breakfast she ci C the cover of the washtu sawdust and sprinkled i' t the whisk broom, choppe1 "It wasn't a half badj fast food of the home-mad P but every time I took a di ; j water the sawdust used f up in my throat and tici gn "The first and only d! was with us Phvllis scm fai two dollars' worth of egj l' ing to make a lemon mi j. potpie. "She tried to be artist: t this, but one of the eggs and nervous and it slipped f "Uncle Peter asked PH she could cook some Hui ! goulash, and Phyllish sen 'No, my parents have J Swedes all their lives !' jj she ran him across ,th: k with the carving knife. "Aunt Martha went kitchen to ask what was f ner and Phyllis got backj1 'I'm a woman, it is true; will show you that I canv secret!' i ' "When the meal camef table we were compelled t the secret with her. 1 "It looked like IVishjj tasted like clam chowde behaved like a bad boy. f "On the second day i denly occurred to PhylH she was working, so she J in her resignation, handed the gardener, a jolt in Hi department, handed out a! unnecessary talk and le flat. I "The next rebate we j the kitchen was a colore! named James Buchanan E grast. I "James was all there carry four. He was one most careful cooks thaj made faces at the roast b "The evening he arm intended to have shad r dinner, and James inforn that that was where he li "Eight o'clock came a dinner. Then Aunt I went in the kitchen to co him that we were human with appetites. "She found careful j counting the -roe to see j fish dealer had sent thei number. "He was up to 2,196,4 still had a half pound to g ' "James left that nigh lowed by shouts of ap , from all present. ! J "I'm telling you all thii i just to prove that fate is l; while it delays your w g until some genius invert e automatic cook made of jj u num and electricity." i Hep laughed and shog j head. , . "The servant problem delay my wedding," he ch "If there wasn't a cook 1 J the world we wouldn t j we're -going to be veget jj because we're going to I the Garden of Eden. k f "Tush !" I snickered. J; "Tush, yourself!" said I : "Oh, tush, both of you; J Peaches. "John said tha I thing to me three weeks I 9 we were married." "Sure I did," I went 'i "and we're still in the Gi J aren't we? Of course, i si want to sublet part of l j have Hep and his bride ro moonstruck through your i jj berry beds that's up to yt "Well," said friend wifj ing alone in the Garden pi D is all right, but after you vi there three or four ; there's a mild excitera? hearing a strange voice, e j, it is that of a serpent! ? Close the door, Delia, 1 j draft I Copvrifihl, 1911, by, .T1,A ' " jtfowspopcr Syndicate.) r : |