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Show iTVf P Tloni irr oisr disi c ing i If 1 IAlJLr J-l I F12ML,EY PETER, DUNNE 1 mphonygraft in th' corner explodes an' me vinrable commerade seizes holt iv a lady at th' adjinin' I; table an' goes reelin' around the flure." 1 AVE ye lamed army iv th' new '4H dances?" asked Mr. Dooley. "Do ye ;E know lh' Turkey Throt, th' Tango, "Scissors, tli' Knee Holt, lh' Neclc-an'-Ncck, Envelope Flop, or th' Curvathure-iv-th'-iSe? If yc don't ye needn't come around here iUimorQ. Me socyal standing will be injured uBVhat ar-re yc talkin' about?" asked Mr. ilM'm talkin' about what ivrybody else is talkin' iB" said Mr. Dooley. " Fr'm Kamchatky to wik, th' whole civilyzed wurruld is at it. It's JwJtthe on'y subjeck iv seeryous convarsation .Wk th' white races. If a pro-fissor wants to TiBrfihis class in zoology he begins his lecture jjBjfB' th' Lame Duck 'r (him. Th' S'ciety iv i'V lh' Prevention iv Ongwec Among th' WBprchtrit Childher iv th' Poor is broken up MBit one faction insistin' that th' Macheck HHbe made a compulsory part iv th' coorse in Jjjfcgcen in th' public schools, an' th' other dc-jj' dc-jj' that th' liltle wans shall be. vaccinated ns about th' on'y thing ye see in th' pa-apers. W? ar-re dancin' that a few years ago wud've K1 bought iv lettin' their mothers or their HHp see thim on a slippery flure as cnthrin' BjWyum joint. But ma an' th' usurer ar-rc IBa just the same as th' offspring an' th' BKrs' I g0 jnl0 a resthrant with an aged HI,10 discuss a platter iv ham an' eggs an' WRfu'ckal situation. I've no more thin set-j? set-j? seat whin a phouygraft in th' corner fc Vpcs an' nie vinrable commerade seizes holt ;MMV at th' adjinin' table an' goes reelin' j flure with a dish iv soup in wan hand other hand in th' lady's hair. Mh'theaytrc whin Hamlet isn't first sthrain-tjalya sthrain-tjalya to his bosom an' thin slingin' her on K- acrost th' stage, th' aujeence is givin' an Vn iv th' same in th' lobby. I sec me IROfficcr Casey, walkin' beat th' other day, jRlvOr foorth step he kneeled to th' pavc-I' pavc-I' thought I'd go behind him an' subdoo j' take him home befurc th' loot saw him. Pjnn I gr0t ncar llim j ilccrci him groan to dm'' 'Wan, two, three, dip an' I knew he VJlPraclisin' ti' Kitchen Sink f'r th' annyool L5mlthK LacIy Chef's 0utin club- rimi! 5 close ,vry day at noon t0 IeL th' tflmf 3"' d,rectors la"c tncr dancin' lesson. Wi-nt VCr t0 Gro&an's bank th' other day m some money to put where Dorsey l?jgKVer &et it again. Usually on such occasions $FwT flnancecr ITIects th' bashful depositor IraK an' Utl;es il fr'm him- But this timc ':Wf'as st0PP(id be a clerk. ' Th' boss can't 53Bfli says th' fellcnv ' He's holdin': an im" sBvSectin' iv th' board iv direciors'' says f3m ar"rc thc-v doin'?' sa's I)orscy- 'IrfBti Practisin th' Hesitation to dance befurc fK Tl Rcsarvc boord says th' cleric. ' But !pWfo' g y'Cr nioney undher th' durc i yC Mi,1 " At th' last meetin' iv th' Steam Fitters' union, Eig Bill Huggins an' Mike Casey was discovered in th' back iv th' hall in what looked like a fraternal fra-ternal rough-an'-tumble fight; whin they were siperated they explained that they were good frinds an' Bill was larnin' Mike th' Buttherfly. A Methodist church in Indyanny is thryin' to atthract people fr'm th' Road to Roon be adver-tisin' adver-tisin' that th' choir instead iv singin' th' Long Meter Doxology will do th' Gabby Glide down th' center aisle. In our own church last Sundah whin an altar boy made a genuflexion I heerd a lady behind me say : ' Plow graceful he does th' dip " No wan but th' hopelessly crippled iver ates any more. Schwartzmeister has abolished his free lunch an' put a sign in th' window : ' Substantial Sub-stantial Wurrukinmen's Free Dancin' Lesson Given Away with Ivry Schooner iv Beer.' In th' mornin' whin th' rcsthrants an' other dance halls lets out, millyons iv hollow-eyed students rush to their well-arned repose at bench or desk: Whin th' clock sthrikes noon they dash out f'r a hurried Turkey Throt at a ne'ighborin' resthrant an' return to slumber over th' typewriter type-writer or lh' bill iv lad in' ontil it is time f'r thim to take up th' labors iv th' night. Th' boss don't care. It's twinty to wan that he's up the sthreet somewheres standin' in line an' waitin' f'r his turn with th' profissor iv dancin'. The Standard He company is thiukin' iv addin' a dancin' school to its -plant, but is afraid.iv th' expinse iv a teacher who was a chorus man a year ago, but is now buildin' a yacht to defind th' America's Cup. A frind iv mine in th' hardware thrade tells me th' dance has revolutionized business methods. If a man expects to sell a bill iv goods he's got to dance f'r th' customer, an' all well regulated business houses have a customers' ballroom. ball-room. A merchant comes up fr'm Arkansaw, larns th' Wishbone Writhe, or some other beautiful beau-tiful figure, an' buys live tons iv tenpenny nails, lie goes home an' retails th' dance with ivry pound iv lh' tacks an' grows rich. " I've heerd iv th' Slcepin' Sickness that's caused be the bite of a fly, but what pizenous grasshopper has slung th' American people on th' heel so that they're all aycther reelin' around lh' fiure or watchin' other people do th' same? F'r Dock O'Lcary says it's not a spoort, but an cpydemic. lie says if ye got enough people to stutter all th' wurruld wud be stuttenV an' they'd be profissors chargin' $25 a lesson f'r larnin' yc th' latest fash'nablc limp in th' language. lie says th' disease don't on'y attack th' ankle, but th' brains as well. 'It's narvous disease iv th' legs,' says he, ' accompanied be delusions iv gran-joor. gran-joor. So that a man with wan fut in th' grave is not ashamed to use lh' other in th' Double Dip, an' an ol' amalook with th' hock action iv a fish thinks he's dancin' in a way that wud make a Circassyan girl in th' harcem iv th' Sultan in Turkey took as though she had sprained her ankle.' Th' Dock says th' symptoms ar-re aisy io detect, cspecyally in th' middle aged or old. Whin a man with portable hair an' teeth who niver danced befurc shows loss iv appytite, gr-reat dhrowsiness durin' th' day an' restlessness restless-ness at night, aversion to wurruk iv ivry kind, an' a tendency to leap fr'm his chair at th' sound, iv music, he ought to be watched carefully be th' family. In th' early stages th' disease may be conthrolled be showin' th' victim a picture iv him-silf him-silf taken while he was in th' dilliryum, or be ampytatin' wan or both legs. But in more stubborn stub-born cases, afther th' Cabaret Convulsions has set in, he advises aycther th' removal iv what is left iv th' brain or dhrownin', accordin' to th' symptoms. " There's no doubt about it that its worst ravages rav-ages ar-re seen amongst th' machoor an' th' heavy, although it attacks both lively youth an' hobbled age. A man or a lady that wud be fired out be th' flure commity, if they thripped their own or their pardner's light fantastic toe in a waltz, will dare to do the tango an' think they're fine. That's where what Dock O'Leary calls th' cereebral symptoms comes in. Th' dancer don't have to lam to dance. Th' disease makes him do it an' annylhing he gets fr'm th' profissor is so much exthry. It's like tcachin' a fellow that has fits a new way iv fallin'. Th' profissor says to th' invalid : ' Ye'vc got to do that shuffle, so why don't ye do it this way? It's twice as foolish lookin'. Ten dollars, plaze.' "Yes, sir; lh' inroads iv this frenzy on people iv me time iv life is dhreadful. I heerd iv a lady whose hair has been reddened be the glow iv sivinty winters who used to think that th' only exercise sooted to her age was to set in a chair with a lace cap on her head an' her hands folded over her black alpaca dhres.s. Now, her grand-childher grand-childher niver see her excipt whin they're took to a roof garden. There's Tim Gallagher. He's that much older thin T am that whin I was a boy 1 used to call him ' Mister.' Didn't I sec him lh' other night get up fr'm th' counter iv a dairy lunch an' go limpin' around with th' cashier lady that wanst wint to school with him? I did so, an' it made me blush to look at him, f'r a dacinter man whin in good health I niver knew. He was a lur-rblc spectacle, but whin he come back he was as plazcd with himself as though he'd just won th' champeenship at th' Gaelic games. ' What d'ye think iv it? ' says he. ' Well,' says I, ' with proper thrcatment an' rest f'r lh' injured limb yc may recover, but if I was ye I'd consult a good vethrinary surgeon at wanst. Ye're a medical curyosity,' says I. ' Ye have th' first case iv th! spring halt I iver obsarved in a human bcin'V says I. ' Annybody can do these new dances that has a sinsc iv rithuni,' says he. ' An' no sinse iv propriety says I. ' Come home says I, But I lost him at a caffy down th' sthreet. " I don't want yc to think Fin agin dancin', J Tinnissy. In lh' flays iv me youth whin me fut was as light'' as th' down on th' peach an' rnc phottygraft was carried in manny a goolden locket, there was no more inthrepid performer thin rnesilf at th' parties ivth' Roscommon Men. - "Big Bill Huggins an Mike Casey was diskivered in th' back iv th' il hall in what looked like a fraternal rough-an'-tumble fight." ;i Just to show yc how graceful I was, let me tell 3'e that th' buildin' department f'rbid me to dance in Finucane's hall till they shored up th' walls. But dancin' in thim days was a vigorous spoort. Twas like kickin' an imagin'ry futball an' jump-in' jump-in' on tlr chist iv an imagin'ry foe. No wan thought iv takin' holt iv his pardner. If he did he'd be liblc to get a wipe over th' eye fr'm a hand like a lily, or maybe wan like a bokay iv tiger lilies, be goodness. An' if he escaped, th' ladr's big brother wud be waitin' outside f'r him at lh' corner iv th' alley. I wud no more have thought iv askin' help iv a lady in a dance thin I wud iv throwin' th' hammer. We jumped to'rds our pardner till we were in hailin' distance an' thin jumped back, an' whin th' band was exhausted ex-hausted th' ladies wint to th' other ladies in lh' side seats an' th' gintlemen jined th' other gintle-mcn gintle-mcn in lh' Dutchman's downstairs. O, th' joyous joy-ous times I had an' th' invy I caused an' th' gr-reat noise I made an' th' pounds an' pounds 1 lost. " Thin thJ waltz come along an' I thricd it, but 'twas too iffiminate, an' afther I'd left a good Bcrlillon description iv rnesilf on manny a slender waist an' th' rumor got goin' that I was wurrukin' on commission f'r th' chiropodist oh lh' corner, 1 retired an' took up convarsation as me socyal gift. So whin Hogan ast me to go around to his house f'r supper th' other night I wint prepared pre-pared to poor foorth a sthream iv goolden ilo-quince ilo-quince that wud dazzle th' ladies an' dhrown all competition fr'm th' males. It was a pleasant made-up party Clancy an' his wife, Harrigan an' his wife, Felix Schwartzmeister ah' frau, an' Tom Anderson, th' bridge tender -all old frinds, or old annyhow. Says I to rnesilf ' This is all right. Here is a group that has got to an in-lellechool in-lellechool age where I can talk thim down says I. ''Well, sir, I had no more thin finished th' first coorse an' was waitin' f'r a second helpin', an' was about ready to give me opinyon on the currency bill befurc annybody ast me something hard, thin a hand organ outside sthruck up a chunc an' me aujence melted away. Th' first to be attacked was Anderson. I see a mad glint come into his eyes an' without waitin' to take th' napkin fr'm his neck he made a feerocyous attack at-tack on Augusta Schwartzmeister. Th' way he threated that poor dcfincclcss Bavaryan lady makes me blood run cold to think iv it. He dhragged her "fr'm th"' chair an' out on th' flure. She was too frightened to make an outcry an' too healthy to faint, but she offered a desprit resistance. re-sistance. She thried to wriggle out iv his clutch, she took holt iv his waist an' attimptcd to throw him, she thricd to thrip him. But Anderson had all th' strength an' cunning iv a maniac an' she cuddeivt escape. He took a half Nelson on her an' spun her around. He grappled her be th' wrist air hurled her fr'm him an' dhragged her back. He bent her over till her head near touched th' flure an' he raced her up an' down th' room till she was ready to fall. All th' time he was committhr' this onprovoked assault his face wore - h I a look iv deemonyac rage. ; I "I cuJ stand it no longer. I looked around ; f'r help an' all th' other inmates was goin' ,W through contortions iv their own. On'y they Mm were in what Dock O'Leary calls th' arly or in- jn sipid stages iv th' disease. Schwartzmeister was jttjy doin' a goose step that he'd lamed in th' German Jnji army. Clancy was showin' a prance that I've jji i often see him do on a laddhcr whin he started 'fiJI in th' buildin' thrade. An' Hogan was givin' an -Mt imitation iv a vethran iv th' civil war walkin' in jjjjl th' hall iv th' Sojer's home. I took him aside, an' says I : ' Hurry an get Schwartzmeister away i flj befurc he sees what Tom Anderson is doin'. He ijjj l won't realize that th' poor fellow has lost his WM mind, an' ye can't tell what he might do. Ye get i mm Felix out on th' front stoop an' I'll lure Hogan Jh I to his room an' lock th' durc till th' ambulance fjjjB comes says I. At this minnyit th' music stopped. gllft I heerd Augusla murmur 'Delicious an' what jjjffl d yc think that hare-hearted husband did? Why, sjjjij sir, the poor spirited thing wint up to Anderson an', says he: 'What d'ye call that new step?' If 19 'It's called th' Sthructhural Iron Wurrtiker's mm Snuggle says Anderson. ' It's very graceful gjfl says Schwartzy. 'I wishthe'd teach it to me JSM he says. What d'ye think iv that? An' he- was If in th' ar-rmy that bate Napolyou th' Third. ! m " I sec an article in th' pa-aper be a colledgc fjj m profissor cxplainin' these here dances. Ye sec, u they need cxplainin. This larned man says dan- tjjja cur used to be a kind iv coortship, d'ye mind. lira Iru th' arly colonyal days th' Primitive Young Fellow whin he felt that he cudden't live without S m some particklar girl or some girl that wasn't very particklar, or annyhow some girl, didn't put on S E his best clothes an' stick his bankbook in an out- 8 c side pocket where it wud arouse a feelin' iv m tendhemcss 'in th' maiden's heart, an' walk up k an' down in front iv lh' house for an hour befure I he rung th' bell, an' thin dash in an' fling himsilr Sjj at her feet an tell her he was not worthy iv her, jf but wud she be his an' ye can bet she wud. ! No. sir. In thim days th' amarous swan, as th' Hi profissor calls him, wud put on his clogs an' go an' dance befure her, an' if she was a pop'lar lady there'd be as manny as fifteen or twinty Kjl bcaus hoppiu' in -front iv her rockin' chair ivry j night afther supper. ' Dancin' is an ancyent custom that leads to marredge' says he. I don't know about that, although fr'm -what I've seen ffl an' heerd some iv these dances might aisily lead H to divoorce an' marredge might be a step back- M ward." p "Fin glad th' church is against thim," said j Mr. Hcnncssy. JK. " I don't know how much good it's going to j do," said Mr. Dooley, " onless we cud get St. m Vitus to come back to arth. lie cured th' afflicted Turkey throlters cinchcrics ago an' was rewarded $fj be bavin' th' disease named af titer him. He'd j ig have long office hours 'jf he was Iivin' today' (Copyrlsht: 1PH: By'FJnley Peter Dunne.) jjlH-i |