| OCR Text |
Show oints Mall 5--?c Is 1 ough Love The Answer For The Problem Teenaqer I p.m'iiU of piohk'iii l in :iio lM ""'S 10 ' h -.ilK-ii Ioui;IiIom' lo ,h l.uiiilv oivi's. Dm ,i jl of I'l.'li iwlu'lo-,m iwlu'lo-,m viNllk'.lIO.k ll e.iu' iiiok' iIimiIh'iIi-;tvllion iIimiIh'iIi-;tvllion .nul imli.ippi- , I .llk'W.Ul'V I c; 1 1 1 0 r Iun Ih' Ik' .ui.mi.u il of tin' y n cl," n.i I'l J.iiiu'n . lor. iIiuyum of olmio.il ' ,.iikI a sHi.ilivl in p.i "lolo-oonl piolMcmv ( uN of l ou.chKn o o.in't ;J. hut I lie iiiciIhhK for if is ihOM' iso.iK .iioii'l , the Ki." I 'lkno IoiiihIoJ ,i a Jpiiioupfoi p.iionl-. r .1 ,f pvoholo:il. lis f IlltOIlt is to U'slOlO f I .uilhonlv In sollini; ; riilos .uul In ink 011- f ihom. I tio nunoiiioiil, . o.iuchl on iUK'kl I p.iients of unooiilioll-.n.i.cors. unooiilioll-.n.i.cors. now iik'IiuIos "H'IOll..l,l700ol1;,,,M1;llloll. kll V( ( ORDINC TO Alova,,. ;k r,Mioli a straiy m.ivwoik loi oiinnoi oluUluMi.lnil itoan nuke a Icona.uor nunc rohcl-lions rohcl-lions aiul disobedient. "Ilaiulins down ulimuliinis has l he poiciuial of hi-iiiu Ninknuiislnp." K savs .. M'tuluw alinoaiKl loll the Ul NOII 10 (Mini; u, phvsi,.av pun-i pun-i luni if he slops ovor ii.ihc ilillu'iilllcona.uoi is often noinu lo Mop o onlic line Then yon cither have io follow Ihmugh oi lot ii j;o this lime." KKSKAKl'll, ho sas. sii-KcMs sii-KcMs lh.it lay ins down the law isn'l necessarily (he way to handle problems foi all leena-.cois. leena-.cois. In his woik with iiivenilc doliiuinonls, Alexander found lhal setlini; rules and enforemi; (hem without understanding what Iheteeiuixrisexpcriene-iS Iheteeiuixrisexpcriene-iS ollon does not cause lonn-lei lonn-lei m hohavioral eh.m.nes. He ilia's Toughlove advocates In Mail keeping careful data. " 1 ostimoiiials ami intuitive appeal aren't siillicienl," he as. "1'eople who deal with luiinan misery have an ohliga-Hon ohliga-Hon lo evaluate (heir piog-(ini's piog-(ini's effectiveness." TOI CHI.OVK, says Alexander, Alex-ander, is particularly appcal-i"t; appcal-i"t; to parents hecause, unlike Hadilional approaches, it does not blame parents for the child's behavior. Subsequently, Subsequent-ly, however, the parents start Winning the teenager. "W hen laced with a rebellious rebel-lious teenager, parents have a tendency to go from one extreme ex-treme lo another," says Alexander. Alex-ander. " They've tried being understanding and forgiving and when thai doesn't work, tbey say, 'I'm not going to take il anymore. They can live by my rules or gel out'." Willi. K Toughlove has worked in some cases, it won't work in all, and it should be used only as a last resort, he maintains. " There are usually a lot of alternatives thai haven't ha-ven't been tried," he says, emphasizing thai there are no easy solutions. Parents need lo understand how everyone in the situation is a victim, and thai assigning blame only creates defensive-ness defensive-ness and resentment, Alexander Alexan-der notes. They must also separate the behavior from its function or reason. '"The kid is rebelling, that's the behavior," be-havior," he siiys. "So you look al the reason he's rebelling. rebell-ing. Il may be because that's the only way he knows how lo assert his independence." lilX'Al'SK teenagers need independence, Alexander says parents should negotiate rules and consequences to allow more flexibility within limits while maintaining the absolute "bottom line." l;or instance, if the teen is slaving out too late. the parent can say, "Aflercur-few, "Aflercur-few, I need you home or I worry. wor-ry. You need lo be with your friends and have llexibilily. To make us happy, if you're wilh your friends and it's past curlew, cur-lew, you can call me to lell me where you are. You can slay out later that nighl, but you'll have to be home earlier the next nighl." The reason for a rule doesn't have to be good, says Alexander, Alexan-der, but il must be honest, immediate im-mediate and personal. "Don't say, 'If you're out after 1 a.m. the police will pick you up,' or 'What will the neighbors think?' Make the reason your own, even if it's only 'I'll worry'." UK SUGGESTS letting the teenager know the rules have some benefit for them as well. ("If you do your homework right now, you'll have more lime lo be wilh your friends or watch 'TV later.") Offering alternatives can also help prevent a confrontation. confronta-tion. ("You can take out the garbage tonight, or you can get up early and put il out or you can drop it offat a later pick-up area on your way to school.") ONCE THE rules are agreed upon, he noles, the results of any violations should also be negotiated, and implemented if necessary. If there's no agreement, parents will have (he final say. "It's a real problem-solving approach," he says. " I here are no automatic rules and you've built in some flexibility." flexi-bility." ONCE SIX'H a framework is adopted, he says, things al home arc likely to go more smoothly. "It would be much easier, of course, if such an approach had started when (he-child (he-child was 10 years old," says Alexander. "When adolescence comes parents are aware of the changes taking place, but they have no idea how to deal wilh (hem. When the child was young, you just told him what to do. If you still do that when he's 13. he'll rebel." PARENTS, he says, want to remain in control, but their absolute authority decreases wilh the onset of adolescence. "How can you be the leader when the follower doesn't want to follow? You change your leadership style. You've got to change your approach to discipline as the child grows." |
