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Show High score shows a true dyed-in-the-wool Utahn A Florida columnist recently published an examination examina-tion to test Americans on their patriotism. A high score on the exam indicated that a person was a true-blue veteran vet-eran of patriotic zeal and knowledgeable in the ways of flag-waving and "Love It or Leave It" bumper stickers.' Cyclops BRYAN GRAY Columnist QUESTION FOUR: Which of the following would make an excellent U.S. Senator? (A) ACLU Director Michelle Parish (B) Basketball Coach Rick Majerus (Q Elder Paul Dunn QUESTION FIVE: What is suitable punishment for Hi-Fi Murder cohort William Andrews? (A) Release him to a halfway house where he can study for a Boy Scout merit badge (B) Grant him a life sentence as an assistant director for Department of Corrections Director Gary DeLand (Q Bathe him in 30-weight motor oil and let him do a test commercial for Zippo cigarette lighters QUESTION SIX: What was the best movie of 1990? (A) "Sex, Lies & Videotape" (B) Any film at a $1 theater (Q "Sarah, Plain & Tall" QUESTION SEVEN: Name an entertainer you would pay $50 per seat to see in concert. (A) Fawn Brodie or Mick Jagger (B) Neil Diamond or Cyclops (C) Anita Bryant or Chubby Checker QUESTION EIGHT: In your most recent prayer, what do you ask for? (A) That the Utah Legislature permanently disband (B) That Saddam Hussein take Sudafed for a cold (Q That Shawn Bradley be served generous helpings of prime rib during his LDS mission Okay, figure your score (5 points for every C answer, 3 points for every B answer and 1 point for every A answer). an-swer). 11 Points or Under: You're a California import who spends Sundays in your hot tub. 12 to 30 Points: You're relatively normal-which means you shouldn't run for public office. 31 to 40 Points: You're steeped in traditional Utah culture. Don't venture beyond the state line except for an occasional trip to buy lottery tickets in Franklin, Idaho. Since many Cyclops readers feel Utah is somewhat insular, we are publishing our own Utah test. A high score will prove that the person is a dyed-in-the-wool Utahn aware of the traditional Beehive culture. The following questions allow for multiple-choice (not to be confused in Utah with pro-choice): QUESTION ONE: What is a quaalude? " - (A) A mixer at a Democratic Party social event (B) A Japanese automobile (C) A drug addiction caused by exposure to sex education edu-cation in the public schools QUESTION TWO: Name Gov. Norm Bangerter's most significant achievement. (A) Announcing that he won't run again for public office (B) Laughing at the obnoxious statue in the west desert near Wendover (Q Supporting the country's most strict abortion law QUESTION THREE: Name a book you find personally per-sonally offensive. (A) The Old Testament (B) The IRS Instruction Booklet (Q Grendel |