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Show I Mn TVirsmrOri the News . J I Ml I n H II L Y from the Empire StaI J. LlX. JLr y JLJl JL o. By Fikley Peter Buitl I! "A who ht de at laste a I week' be a polisman feels that he is niglicted." I f f HOPE" said Dley, " that Prisi- 1 1 dint Wilson will not inthervene be I g; foorce in New York, It may be thrue H l that annychy exists there, that there is H no settled govermint, an' that th' lives an' prop- I r 7 lv Americans ar-re onsafe. But is that anny 1 8U raieon why we shud go pokin' our heads into th' H domestic throubles in these out-iv-th'-way com- H mtmities ? It wud be no aisy task to subjoo H I! these wild thribes accustomed to guerilly war- fare amongst thimsilves. Like as not befure we H li conkered thim our army wud have narvous pros-H pros-H L thration fr'm th' life an' wudden't want to come . I Ey back home. It wud take fifty years to civilize rjjj New York up to th level iv Arkansaw or Texas. J Do we want to haul into th' gentle sistherhood iv H l th' states this rude popylation diffrin' fr'm us in, H jj dhress, customs, an' thraditions', an' with no idee I j iv th' manin' iv laws an' republican institutions I j as they ar-re undherstood, let us say, in th' state I jjjj iv Arizony? I say not. It is plainly our jooty I 5 . as a Chrystyan nation to sell thim arms an' ara-I ara-I pi mynition an let thim blow each ither's heads off I f in their own happy way. I rjj " I have niver been in New York, but if I was I ip a young feller with th' spirit iv advinturc in me I j I'd take a gun an' go down there. I've read a H i great dale about it, an' fr'm what I've read an' H i what thravelers who've escaped tell me it's wan H Hi iv th' few picturesque places left in th' wurrulcL H f It is almost th' on'y spot that has not been H f touched an' spiled be civilization, Th' state is H jik large in aryea, but th' popylation is all gathered H If in three sthreets which comprise what is known I f as the City iv New York Wall sthreet, Fifth H I j avenoo, an' Broadway or in th' penal settlement Hj M at Albany or in th' resorts iv th idle rich at Sing H iff Sing or Mattawan. I niver read annything about H tt th rest iv th' state, so I suppose it is oninhabitcd. HI : " Th' popylace range in color fr'm white to H j! dark purple an' speak a corrupt form iv th' Yid- H dish language. Th' subjick races call thimsilves H I ' the wise guys,' but ar-re known to th' rulers H I who belong to th' noble caste iv con men as ' th' H 1 aisy marks.' Th' wise guys or aisy marks, as ye H choose to call thim, form about 99 per cint iv H j! th' popylation. Far fr'm beln' dissatisfied with H m their lowly condition, they ar-re intinsely proud H i jjj iv it, an' although quarrelsome among thimsilves H A ar-re obeejint to their rulers, who conthrol thim M' i with gT-reat wisdom an' patience, makin' thim H'i f'rget their injuries fr'm day to day be givin' H thim new injuries to think about. On th' whole H . f they ar-re kept' fairly happy be this constant H change in wrongs.- At times they show signs iv Hj rebillin', but they can nearly always be quieted be bein' told to remimber that they ar-re wise' H 1 ysi. an' aven whin they rise against their rulers H m reuse tnrust each other, but have to EM siiict a con man as a leader, so th' result is th' HS same. flj 1 " A3 agin' th' rale thing they make no com- plaint as long as they are kept properly thrimmcd 1 and occasionally walloped be some wan with a LiK mi t unyform on. A New Yorker who isn't short changed or hasn't his hat dented in at laste wanst a week be a polisman, a sthreet car conductor, 'a waiter, or 'a theayter usher feels that he is niglicted. Although manny outsiders has gone into these bad lands fr'm time, to time an' ayther succumbed to th' thrlbal customs or jind th' rulin' class, th' aborigines ar-re Intinsely scornful iv sthrangers an' passyonatcly devoted to their counthry, so that a rale Nov Yorker who has been thrun out iv a pollln' place because somebody some-body has already voted f r him, run over be an autymobile, picked up an' robbed be a gun man, an' turned over to a polisman f r execution has been known to sing th' naytional anthem, ' Little Or New York, Me Boys, Is Good Enough f'r Me,' on his way to th' morgue. "Th" habits Iv th natives ar-re exthremely simple. They sildom do annything durin' th' daytime but set on th' fire escapes, but whin night falls an' th' booze advertisemints lights up th' firmymint they rush out in hundherds' iv thousan's to th' most convanient places in Broadway Broad-way to gratify their childish pleasure in bavin' their pockets picked an' their feet stamped on or indulgin' in their furyous native dances till th' hour iv midnight sthrikes, whin with inhuman cries they fall on th' briled live lobster an' tear it limb fr'm limb. At wan o'clock th' polis inther-rupt inther-rupt their orgy or supper an' notify thim that it is bedtime be b'eltin' thim over th' head. This pleasant old Knickerbocker custom is known as th' curfew, an' New Yorkers ar-re so used to it that manny iv thim can't sleep comfortably with- , out a bump behind th' ear. " Shure, I don't blame westhern men who go down to New York f'r niver lavin' there. An' be th' same token if it wasn't f'r New York th' westhern pa-apers wuddin't be worth readin'. I pick up me fav'rite journal an' skim languidly through th' tame news iv th' effete west. Red Dog, New Mexico, repoorts a convintion iv th' Chrystyan Indeavor assocyation. At Dead Man's Gulch, Arizony, an archery tournymint is in progress. pro-gress. Miss Lucy Dimple has been ilictcd mayor in Jacks-up, Wyoming, on a platform promisin' to abolish games iv checkers in grocery sthores. I'm about to throw away th' pa-aper in disghust whin me eye lights on a colyum headed : . ' New York, Day be Day.' Thin I settle down f'r rale injymint Rival gangs shoot up Fifth Avenoo Presbyteerian church. Supreme court justices accused iv safe blowin'. Dinnymite explosyon in most fash'nable gamblln' hell. Rivrend Augustine Augus-tine Miff dances th' tango in pulpit. Mayor an' disthrict attorney in free fight in Lobster palace. Gov'n'r iv state accused iv embezzilmint, perjury, forgery, idiocy, an' goin' back on th' gang. Gift-ecj Gift-ecj young millyonaire murdhrer resints snobbishness snobbish-ness an' laves insane asylum in disgust. An' so it goes, There's more goin' on in a minyit in New York in th way iv news than in all th' rest iv th' wurruld in a year, an' wan night iv Broadway Broad-way wud give th' Apachy Kid heart disease. " Missionaryes are rcturnin' fr'm th' Far East " "Little Or New York, Me Boys, Is Good Enox an tell us the popylation is much disthurbed at prisint because th' state is suffrin' fr'm two gov'n'rs, both Dimmycrats, an' has lost its most prom'nint citizen, who is husband iv New York's fav'rite acthress. " I've been thryin' to make out what th' throuble is with me ol' frind Bill, th' people's frlnd. He's always been me fav'rite statesman, because he's so gloomy lookin'. I wud niver thrust a pollytickal leader who looked pleasant. Give me wan whose face is furrowed be pain an' whose eyes show that his mind is far away fr'm sordid things an' may niver return. Bill looks like clay, on'y he's more liquid. But it's no use thryin' to compare him with armybody. No other statesman iver was as statesmanly as Bill. George Washin'ton an' Thomas Jefferson looked like Irish commejans compared with him. He's th' grandest, gloomyest lookin' man that iver lived. What an undhertaker he wud've made if th' sorrows iv th' people an.' th' practice iv law hadn't compelled him to go into polly-ticks polly-ticks ! It wud be a rale pleasure to have such a nachrally dispirited lookin' man presidin' over th' exercises with that I-wisht-I'd-been-taken-instead expression in his eyes as he said : ' Be careful, boys. Look out f'r th' step an' -don't spill th' floral imblims.' "An' what is Bill sad about, says ye? Is he sad about himsilf? Faith, he is not. If that onselfish sowl iver give a thought to himsilf he'd laugh himsilf sick. No, sir; Bill's life has been crushed be a gr-reat sorrow, but it is not his own. This noble heart has been broken be th' suffrin's iv th' plain people. Bill is not plain himsilf. Pie is very beautiful. But he feels f'r thim that have not injyed his nachrel advantages. 'He suffers f'r th' woes iv ye an' me, Hinnissy. It's always been a great relief to me whin bowed down undher th' yoke iv oppressyon to know that ol' Bill was weepin' or runnin' f'r office or makin' some other sacrifice f'r me. He has always been a frind iv th' people. Pie has lavished his sobs on thim an' has ast nawthin' in return but their votes. While he was in Washin'ton nopoor man iver called on Bill an' came away empty handed. Pie .always clutched in his cmacyated fin a bag iv sunflower seeds an' a copy iv Bill's last appeal f'r humanity. "An' now, what d'ye think? They're thryin' to hurl Bill out iv th' gov'n'r's chair these conspirators, con-spirators, these wretches who don't like th' people peo-ple plain but prefer thim skinned an' done to a turn. An' what do they accuse him iv doin'? Nawthin' at all. They say that he pinched th campaign funds an' played thim against th' foolish fool-ish wheel in Wall sthreet, as if that wasn't th customary thing to do with other people's money in New York. " 01' Bill refuses to dignify these charges with a denial, but he has employed eminint lawyers who wud not hesitate to dignify anny charge be denyin' it. Th' truth is that th' rale accusation against Bill is not that afther passin' th' plate he hurried down with th receipts an' flung It on th' red. There's somethin' worse behind it. It seems that Bill was llicted goVnor iv th' state be a binivolint old feller m private life who saves th' people iv New York fr'm th' worries iv polly-ticks polly-ticks be pickin' out good la-ads f r all th' jobs! This mild ol' dishpot sarves without salary an' his motto is : ' I care not who makes th' laws iv me counthry so long as I make th' chunes they dance to.' Last fall he discovered Bill weepin' in front iv a camera. " ' Why so gushy ?' asked the cheery old feller. ' I sob,' says Bill, ' f'r th' plain people, f'r th' millions iv me fellow citizens who can't look into th' glass without a cry iv horror,' says he. ' Thin ye're me man,' says th' philanthropist. ' What I want f'r gov'nor is a fellow that's blinded be tears or anny other way. Ye seem to be single minded or aven less. Come with me,' he says. An' he made him gov'nor. An' they do say that afther he got into the job Bill wint back on his binifacther. I won't repeat th' dark rumors that ar-re goin'-ar-round, an', mind ye, don't give me as ye'er authority, but it's whispered Bill refused to do something f'r kindly ol' Char-rles Murphy. An' that's th' reason in New York. But I'm with Bill, annyhow, I'll niver go back on a man who has to blow his nose ivry time he thinks iv th' troubles iv ithers. But isn't it a tur-rble thought, Plinnissy, that whiniver there's anny marked money goin' around some frind iv th' people is sure to be landed with it? Indade it seems to be th' on'y kind th' thrue pathrite iver gets hold "iv in these times. " As f'r th' other gr-reat sorrow that is tearin' th' heart iv New York, I find it hard to speak iv it without emotion. It is th' worst financyal blow that New York has suffered since Black Friday. Young Nutley Scads, th' brillyant young assassin, assas-sin, an' accorclin' to a number iv alyenists th' finest mind obsarved be thim in thirty years Nutley Scads, upon whom thousands iv lawyers, doctors, an' statesmen depinded f'r support, has followed th' example iv me frind Gene Foss an' other capitalysts an' moved his enormous plant over to Canada. I can't make out why he done it. No man cud've received betther threatment thin this arrystocratic young paranoiac. His pitcher was printed in th' pa-apers Cary day. He was intherviewed on all important subjicts. His proclamations were received with respict. Preachers visited him an' afther receivin' a contribution con-tribution f'r buildin' a new church wint away with his blessing. Whiniver he was displeased with the conversation iv th' superintindint iv th' booby hatch he dismissed him an' put somebody in his place that he cud assocyate with. He had certyficates to th' strength iv his intelleck fr'm some iv th' gr-rcate6t noodle experts in th' wurruld. These imminint men iv science called on him daily an' wrote : ' Afther makin' a thorough thor-ough scientific examination iv th' bank roll iv this young phenomenon, we cheerfully maintain that f'r pure intelleck he make3, Dan'l Webster look like a conginltal idjut' Ivrythinjf was done 4 to make his stay pleasant to MmurpiB th' commonwealth. But he gtn M He objected to th' quality iv th' t3 plied be th' state. He demaidfifj powdher f'r his afthernoon exerdiehB dummies iv th' disthrict attorney. Htcfl that he was annoyed be neighbor! iil pretinded to be Solomon. 'Finlly. J whin th' breakfast champagne waij cud" sthand it no longer, but raidt H freedom. That is to say, HinniM,'H his hat an' coat, shook hands witliifl lit a cigreet,' opened th' front dure, wM his autymobile, said, ' Canady, WiHiSH " These ar-re dark days in NevijH ness in manny industries has etopptM an' throngs iv alyenists an' lawytrtM come back fr'm Mattawan to their bjjjfl ivry night with their pay envtlo pockets have been thrown on their oJ an' may have to take to working ferry. But a new era in prosperity M up f'r Canady. There hasn't bea tachable American money in M since th' days iv Nipissing. Th'barj in Ottawa, Toronto, Monthreal, sn'QB deserted an' gr-reat throngs ir kofl doctors, statesmen, an1 journylist M to greet th' affable capytalist pleasantly, pullin' their hair an're to stand on their heads while he pome. There ar-re very few alyerM because money has been scarce, tdB rival' iv th' distinguished visitor vethrinary surgeons, PlubEr5j3H ers has qualified f'r th' job. Th KW grajuate iv th' Kingston f1M on his way to th' bankton5ftH sthopped be a reporter JM said: 'Ihavecomein-conUdc brilyant mindsN that fzM jug' he says, 'an' M bM found. How did I find him J exthremely aisy. fM akel an' was kind enough to gi M kick as I come out he sayB. jm "IvcoorseNewYorkisbM get their pathron back, . JM him fr'm our warm LM afther he has been d.sWj braces iv th' king's shuriff, th' chief iv polMJ mygration authorities through New Hampshire be enough left iv him JtfcM takln' him back? dfm as though there wud be bread line this winter. - "I don't like thim M nessy. V'HH I wuddin't if I J If wan iv thim iver n jm he'd have ye led3B |
