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Show IEaflihl(niinaiIl What to do while waiting for the dust to settle Let my people go! That's what you feel like saying when you're trapped with a batch of other drivers at the bottom of Heber Avenue. As most of us know, traffic is clogging up these days at the intersection of Park Avenue, that section of Heber in front of the Kimball Art Center, and the exit from Swede Alley. Why us? Must we suffer through this, after years of waiting for the Belt Route; after enduring the winter traffic jams on Park Avenue, and, most of all, after we nearly made it through the demolition repair of Main Street? Do not despair, however. In the spirit of community service, the Record offers some ways to pass the time while you're stuck in the Heber Avenue clog: Read "Shogun." All the way through. Slowly. -Sing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall." Get the other cars around you to sing along. If you have a passenger, play road games with him, like looking for out-of-state license plates, or yelling, "I spy something green!" Play a memory game. Try to remember all of the teachers you had in school. . .or think of what you did each Christmas Eve for the last 10 years. . . or try to recall what rock bands were rained out in the last two years of the ParkWest concert series. Read "Shogun" again. Write out your name, using lint that you find on your clothing. How many town celebrities can you spot? Give yourself 5 points if you see one on foot, 10 points if they're driving, and a big 25 points if one is run over by a dump truck. If you're the first car in line, and you're situated right in front of the flag person try to lure them into a staring contest. (Alternate: do the same thing with the Labrador gaping at you from the back of the pick-up truck in front of you). To put your plight in perspective, remember that you are merely one entity on one planet in a vast galaxy amid an unending universe. If that doesn't make you feel insignificant, compare your physical condition to the people on "Skiercise." Clack your heels together, while repeating "There's no place like home, there's no place like home. . ." Take your morning newspaper and fold it into a replica of the Silver Mill Mall. If the design looks too historical, start over. Write a theme on "Shogun," with the major themes and characters detailed and compared. Snatch the pebble from my hand, grasshopper. Well, maybe one can get a bit carried away. But we guarantee that if you use these suggestions, you'll have a safe and sane summer. Happy motoring. And in the words of Eric Estrada, "When you drive use a car!" -RB |