| OCR Text |
Show ifb tin Of FY TON THE, RISI I !f ' J'LEY PETER. DUNNE 1 1 111' piSdint iv 'th' bank has a flashlight picture took iv th' scene to show that "He used to ketch with his naked hands on til his hands got so busted I th' consarn is solvent." that ye cudden't screen soft coal with thim." H II..JPN' f know' said Mr. Dooley, " I don't ll4"tow whether we ought to interfere or ln fexieo?" asked Mr. llennessy. & jfc, talk like a congressman," said Mr. " I'm not half as much bothered about is T am about th' quarts an' love affairs jits in th' back yard next dure. It's -what thim fellows down in Wash'nton f . 5 lnthrestin' to th' American people, ey're thryiu' to injooce us to save thim fpri vat ions iv life at home they tell us )iey land they'll devote thimsilves en-our en-our inth rests. But whin they get into yatm' attmosphere, as Hogan says, iv iton boordin' house they f'rget all about pind their time solvin' picture puzzles jfi-nance an' liigh di-plomacy that arc use to me thin so much aljibbera, be I ijex' time that long haired Prince Albert vhite necktie that thinks it riprisints bngress comes in here an' thinks to me out iv a vote that ought to be worth ihy man's money I'm goin' to say : put ye where ye are ye promised to k'er time to makin' life more merry f'r what. have ye done beyant movin' out iighborhood? Have ye shook th' fur-flooked fur-flooked afther th' plumbin', or mended ipump, or swept th' snow off th' siric- carried in tlr coal, or stopped th' indher th' front dure, or fixed th' bring iv th' matthrcss, or kilt th' organ pr thawed out th' wather pipe? Thim jhings that affect me life, not th' con- between William Jennings Bryan an' ji sicrity iv state f'r affairs-that're-ijs-business-ayethcr over th throubles Shystan. Don't tell m'e about ye'er vote come tax. Th' on'y people that are about th' income tax ar-re th' few e incomes so large that they're not labout annything. I received an in-b in-b blank to fill out mesilf fr'm a jocose bit among me other mail on th' foor-EjrFcb'ry. foor-EjrFcb'ry. I will say this, that, though, comic valentines, 'twas a. little vulgar pnal an' touched on wan iv me prin-f prin-f fcrmities, I got a hearty laugh out iv p thrun it away with th' others that jfflte about me bald head an' th' size iv jf Bjj- But other people might be more sin-(tjn sin-(tjn aisily undherstand that this coorse WBry might not be relished be a man jjmth' misfortune to be born without an flgji' hadn't been able to make wan grow ?Mncc. i must say thafc half th, pieasure thtnkin' iv Jawn D, gcttin' a cramp JKist makin' th' return has been spiled ijBpght iv hundhreds iv onforchnits who to explain to a collector iv etarnal jjBthat they niver see that all th' time they have been pretindin' to have a rale income they've been stumpin' around oh an artificial wan.' "No, sir, th' things that people talk about in Wash'nton an' th' things they talk about where they have a vote are not th' same. It pains me to see Dock Wilson agytatin' his mind an' wastin' his time writin' letters to Sir Ed Grey about Pancho Villa an' other gunmen whin our own counthry is on th' brink iv civil war over th' base-ball situation. Ye don't catch th' King iv England wastin' his time on such thrivyalities. No, sir; he's at his post iv jooty in th' front seat iv th' gran'stand with a bottle iv pop in wan hand an' a chunk iv cracker-jack in th' other, yellin' ' Rotten ' at th' empire an' c'allin' on Mike Donlin to jump feet first into th' shortstop's lap. He's a smart little king, that same George th' Fifth. He knows howr to cemint th' Anglo-Saxon alliance whin it begins to crack at th' jints. We'll niver fight with a monarch that can figure out a double play, Collins to Barry to McGinnis. He un-dherstands un-dherstands betther thin th' hired hands tindher him what institution we're proudest iv, an' that there'd be more ginooyinc grief in th' homes iv America if Joe Tinker sprained his ankle thin if Cole B lease broke his neck. " There's no wan prouder iv th' growth iv base-ball thin mesilf, an' faith I ought to be, f'r haven't I watched it fr'm its infancy, whin th' Forest Citys bate th' Pecatonica Blues be a scoor iv two hundhred an' ..eight to nawthin'? I remimber whin siven mimbers iv th' cham-peenship cham-peenship team wore side whiskers an' whin wan iv thim, Harry Wright be name, had as complete com-plete a beard as th' wan that gives Jim Ham Lewis th' on'y privacy he has iver enj'yed. I've seen Jim White pitch in spectacles, an' I remimber re-mimber whin th' best base stealer in th' league had a club fut. I've known ivry pitcher fr'm Al Spalding to Eddie Welsh. This very re-threat re-threat where ye are standin' now used to be tn' thrainin' quarthers f'r Mike Kelly, th' grandest player iv thim all an' th on'y man that cud make an error so laughable that ye wudden't be able to scocr it f'r merrymint I remimber whin Cap Anson, a raw counthry boy, come to Chicago fr'm Marshalltown, Ioway " " D'ye remimber Wash'nton at Valley Forge?" asked Mr. Henhessy. " Valley Forge was in th' Pcnnsylvanya State league, an' we didn't pay anny attintion to th' bushers in thim days," said Mr. Dooley. " I remimber re-mimber whin th' ketcher used to stand behind th' plate, without mask or chist protector or gloves, an' take thim all, high an' low, in or out. Ye cudden't get Old Hoss Flint to put on that armor anny more thin he wud a diver's suit. He used to ketch with his naked hands ontil his hands got so busted that ye cudden't screen soft coal with thim, an' thin he caught with his nose or his stomach. He didn't care. 7. " In thim days I niver expicted to see baseball base-ball become th' fi-nancyal institution it is today. Th' season was shorter. About th' middle iv May th' great atheleet turned over th' reins iv th' grocery team to other hands an' wint down to th' ball park an' reported to th' cap. He played ontil" ih'Near muffs blossomed in th' gran'stand gran'-stand an' thin resoomed his civic jooties. Durin' th' winther he was just like th' rest iv us. Ye niver hcerd iv him onlcss he got into throuble with th' polis. Nowadays th' winther is th' peeryod iv his greatest activity. There's more base-ball news whin th' snow is on th' ground thin there is in th' summer time. Most base-' ball players show little inthrest in th' game ontil th' season is over. But whin th' cold weather comes they begin to warm up, an' manny a sturdy fellow that had to be led away fr'm first base be th' ear makes a record as th' spryest conthract jumper in ayether league. Some iv thim go on th' stage an' become great acthors. Others take up lithrachoor as a pro-fissyon, an' manny iv th' best articles in th' pa-apers is wrote be ball players without th' aid iv a mask. If Horace Greeley was to return to 'arth, th' chances are th' foreman iv th' composin' room wud come to his desk some night an' shake a proof undher his nose an' say, 'Look here, ol' hoss, ye'll have to cut this editorial on " Th'' Fate ,iv th' Nation" down to a slick. We've just got in a article on fungo hittin' be Stuffy McGinnis,' T wint by th office iv a magazine th' other day an' sec a crowd standin' at th' dure.- 'What's th' excitement?' says I, 'We're waitin' f'r him to come out says a man. ' Who? Roodyard Kiplin'?' says' I. 'No,' says he; ' Ping Bodie. He's signin' an article on th' " Neo-Platonic Theery iv 'th' Spit Ball,'" he says. ' Th' iditor has offered him forty thousan' dollars, but he says if he don't get fifty he'll jump to th' Quartherly Review.' " It's a great change fr'm my day. Th' heroes I knew cudden't feel a pen in their hands onless it was as big as a paint brush an' had nails in th' handle. An' I niver heerd iv a pro-fissyonal ball player enthrin' a bank at laste in the' daytime. Now, whin Ty Cobb goes down to wan iv these hardware stores with a thrunk containhr his weekly wages th' prisidint iv th' bank has a flashlight picture took iv th' scene to show that th' consarn is solvent. Jawnny Evers wishes us to deny th' story circulated f'r its effect on th' stock exchange that he has consinted to jine th' boord iv th' Standard He comp'ny. It is rc-poorted rc-poorted that Josh Devore will give his entire collection iv rare paintings, Chinese porcylains, an' Pershyan rugs to th' art museem. If ye see a young fellow modestly dhressed in a pink an' green checked suit, with an acetylene hea'd-light hea'd-light in his shirt front, hurryin' down th' sthreet an' peevishly rejectm' an' effort iv a tear stained man in a tattered sealskin overcoat to stick money into his pocket, don't think they are re-' hearsin' a scene in a loonytick asylum f'r th' t movies. No, sir. Ye ar-rc witnessin' an attimpt iv a Fedhral league magnate to lure a white slave into captivity. " It's time our govermint stepped in an' made an invistigation iv this thraffic. It was bad enough a few years ago, whin th' slave raiders fr'm th' ol' leagues used to descind on th' peaceful peace-ful hamlets iv th' west an' seize an' carry off th' finest an' sthrongest iv their young men. Far away fr'm his home in Cedar Rapids th' poor chattel pined awa- th' long summer afther-noons afther-noons in th' scorchin' outfield iv Shibe park, whither he was dhriven in an autymobile be a harsh taskmaster. Ivry day fr'm three to five he toiled most iv th' time in th' blazing sun, sometimes bein' compelled to run thirty or forty feet over th' parched grass to overtake th' crool an' tantalizin' base hit. An' whin he left this post iv torture, was he allowed to relax his achin' limbs in sleep? No, sir; as he set on a hard bench, buryin' his head in his hands, which he cud aisily do, th' harsh cry iv ' Cassidy upl' dhrove him to th' plate, where he was compelled to stand sometimes f'r a whole minyit iv agony, sthrikin' at a ball hurled be another gladiator. If be anny chance he shut his eyes an' hit it he was obliged to stagger a distance iv ninety feet, an' if his faintin' limbs refused to carry him at great speed he was saluted with foul epithets, such as ' Ice wagon!' an' th' like be th' onfeelin' multichood. An' ye must remimber, -Hinnissy, that these serfs ar-re immachure young men, condimned to this brutal an' degradin' toil at an age whin more favored youths are carryin' th' hod. An' what compinsation did they get f'r it? Sildom more thin tin thousan' dollars a year, with what they cud pick up as thrajee- dvans an' ntitlinr?. "Thin come this here Fedhral league an' made their condition aven worse. It appears, Hinnissy, that a number iv men who have grown rich in th' quick lunch business, not satisfied sat-isfied with their inhuman wurruk, has been at-thracted at-thracted be th' hope iv gain to take a hand in th' thraffic in human .souls. In many cases highhanded high-handed viJencc has been used. I pick up th' pa-aper an' read: ' Exthry Jiggs Mulcahy Kidnaped! Kid-naped! At tin thirty-two this mornin', as Mulcahy, Mul-cahy, th' cillybratcd secono baseman iv th' Scorpions, 'was proceedin' in his autymobile to breakfast, he was set upon be rufFyaus in th' employ iv th' Fedhral league, who bate- his chauffeur into insinsibility an' overpowered Mulcahy Mul-cahy be stuffin' his mouth with goold certyfi-cates, certyfi-cates, thus preventin' his outcries fr'm bein' hcerd. A darin' attimpt be agents iv th' other league to rescue him was foiled be his desprit captors, who carried their victim to a neigh-borin' neigh-borin' caffy, where he was rendered unconscious with champagne. While in this condition he was injooccd to sign a conthract surrendhcrin' himsilf into captivity 'r thirty thousan' dollars a year, provided he was allowed to use an auty mobile in runnin' bases. It is feared that he has ! been spirited away -to Brooklyn, where he is locked up in a safety deposit vault.' " No wondher th' counthry is all wurruked up over th' situation. Here's something that con-gress con-gress an' th' prisidint ought to get busy about. jfl There ought to be a fedhral commission to in-vistygate in-vistygate th' condition an' housin' iv pro-fiss- yonal base-ball players. I'm no Socyalist, PI in-nissy, in-nissy, but whin an institution gets to be so im-portant im-portant to th' counthry" as base-ball it ought to be took over be th' naytional govermint. Yes, sir. It is time f'r Dock Wilson to quit foohn' with such pollytickal croshayin' as th' rivolu-chion rivolu-chion in Mexico- an' th' anti-thrust legislachion an' do somethin that appeals to th' heart iv th' American people. " Some people think there's too much busi-ness busi-ness in base-ball. They think a ball player jH ought to be like a pote. or a lawyer an' have anny money he gets secreted in a bunch iv vilcts jH that's handed to. him be his admirers. I don't agree with thim. Divvle a bit do I care whether a man is play in' ball f'r th' fun iv it or f'r a retainer that Elihoo Root wud be ashamed to take befure he quit th' game, so long as he pastes thim on th' thrade-mark whin he's up an' jH hauls thim down with wan hand whin he's iii th' field. Ye'll see me in a front seat at th' first game, watchin' th' nimble young fi-nanceers at play an' yellin', ' Take him off!' at th' fel- jH low who ain't got nawthin' on th' ball but his good intuitions, regardless iv his ratin' in ol' JH man Bradsthreet's ditchnry iv merit. Between jH you an' me, I'd just as soon watch a white slave playin' as a bould freeman. An' if he played betther ball, I'd sooner. I haven't a care jH in th' wurruld whether his constitootynal rights is guaranteed, so long as he gets down to sicond ahead iv th' ball." " I see be th' pa-aper that it's a shame that a IH base-ball player shud get three times as much sal'ry as a colledge pro-fissor," said Mr. Hen- nessy. H " He may be worth three times as much," said Mr. Dooley. '.'If a man's value to th' wurruld was measured be his wages, a sthreet sprinkler wud get more 'thin a tfank prisidint. fl But it ain't." KM " But d'ye honestly think' Tris Speaker ought Bfl to get more thin th' prisidint iv Harvard col- jH ledge?" asked Mr. Hcnnessy. H " That," said Mr. Dooley, " is a matter I can't JH give an opinyon on. I niver see Dock- Lowell H play. I'd lave th' matther to a vote iv th'-stu-' jH dints iv that great an' fash-nable resort.. I'd let H thim decide which athlcct it gives thim more H pleasure to see perform." H "D'ye think they'd raise Speaker's sal-'fy?" JH asked Mr. Hennessy. . IH " No," said Mr. Dooley; " but themight-. cu' down Prisidint Lowell's!" 0 JH (Copyright: jl'l-l: By Flnley Peter Dunne,) ': H |
