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Show eyclops By BRIAN GRAY i For IHC hospitals: a Cyclops personal file The journalistic community was outraged last week when it discovered that the state's dominant hospital company, Intermountain Health Care, was keeping "monitoring reports" on" personal characteristics. According to a former employee, IHC public relations people were encouraged to take journalists out for lunch-and, once back at the office, of-fice, to fill out reports on the person's per-son's likes, dislikes, religion, vital dates, etc. Some journalists viewed these internal memos as comparable to an Ollie North operation; IHC responded that the memos were an innocent form of "improving relationships rela-tionships with the media." Most journalists didn't buy that argument But Cyclops was not upset In fact, I'll be happy to pro vide them with any personal information. infor-mation. So for the benefit of the Intermountain Health Care public relations department, I'm offering the following information. NAME: Cyclops EMPLOYED: Some of the time WIFE'S NAME: On most days I call her "Honey." On mornings when she bums the toast or fails to provide me with a clean shirt, I call her something else. CHURCH PREFERENCE: Red brick HEALTH GOAL: To avoid surgery at an IHC (or any other) hospital. CHILDREN'S NAMES: It depends on whether they completed their homework. DRUG USE VUL-NERAB VUL-NERAB ILITIES : Prefers Neo- Syniphrine nasal drops to bourbon (although bourbon is cheaper). ASSOCIATION WITH OTHER HOSPITALS: Have done work for Humana Inc. (a company that, unlike IHC, doesn't pay its executives ex-ecutives $250,000 a year and then scream that it's non-profit). POLITICAL AFFILIATION: Democrat (except in Davis County where there's no Democrat for which to vote). GREATEST CHALLENGE FACING UTAH: Finding a waste dump large enough for all the used Nintendo sets... Finding a real job for Dub Lawrence. FAVORITE HISTORICAL FIGURE: Walter Mattheau. No one can look more dour or rumpled and yet have so much fun. ENEMIES: People who have 28 children and yet complain about taxes and teacher salaries. LAST PROFESSIONAL AWARD: Father of the Year (for buying my daughter a skateboard and taking my son to Derk's Field). IDEA OF A HISTORIC EVENT: The filming of "Bad News Bears"; the Waylon Jennings appearance at the Tooele County Fair. DEMEANOR: Cheerful (except when putting on a tie or shoveling snow from the sidewalk). INVESTMENT STRATEGY: Take the San Francisco 49'ers and give the points. And there it is....A ready-to-clip personal file on Cyclops. The IHC public relations folks should thank me for my cooperation. It didn't even cost them a lunch. |