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Show Mr Dooley THE- hi6h?- ba5 au III YE iver go to a baseball game? " asked ' Mr. Hennessy. & "Not now," said Mr. Dooley. "I i, haven't got th' intellcck f'r it Whin I lyoung fellow nawthin' plazcd me betther $.go out to th' ball grounds, get a good r!ai la th' sun, take off me collar an' coat, a bottle iv pop not so much, mind ye, ttfrishment, because I niver was much on js to have somethin' handy to reprove th' PBWthwhin he give an erronyous decision, nfythat, me boy, but I was a fine amachoor jigtr mesilf. I was first baseman iv th! Je Wblra whin we beat th' nine iv mjine for 5 be a scoor iv four hundhcrd an' eight fee hnndherd an' twinty-fivc. It was very pTtf game started just af ther low mass on pkb mornim' anJ was called on account iv mm st th' end iv th' foorth inning. I Bd th' ball over th' fence into Donovan's iird no less thin twelve tim.es. All this talk Kjliis here young fellow Baker makes me KWhin I was his age I wudden't count Hjtf.bnt home runs. If it wasn't a home HM ssy: ' Don't mark it down an' go back HeWther belt at th' ball. Thim were th' "ttscnt to think baseball was a science. No wan Was very good at it that was good at annything else. A young fellow that had a clear eye in his head an' a sthrong pair iv legs undher him, an' that was onaisy in th' close atomysphere iv th' schoolroom, d'ye mind, an' didn't like lh' pro-fissyon iv plumbing, was like as not to jine a ball team. He come home in th' fall with a dimon in his shirt front an' a pair iv hands on him that looked like th' boughs iv a three that's been sthruck be lightnin', an' he was th' hayro iv th' neighborhood till his dimon melted an' he took to dhrivin' a track. But 'tis far diff'rent nowadays. To be a ball player, a man has to hav a jo)mt hitelleck. Inside baseball, th' pa-apers calls it, is so deep that'd give brain fever to a pro-fissor iv asthronomy to thry to figure it out. Each wan iv these here mathymatical janiuscs has to carry a thousand mysteryous signals in his head, an' they're changed ivry day an' sometimes some-times in th' middle iv th' game. I'm sorry f'r th' poor fellows. In th old days whin they were through with th' game they'd maybe sthray over to the Dutchman's f'r a pan iv beer. Now they hurry home to their study an' spind th' avenm' poorin' over books rv allgibera an! thrigynom-cthry. thrigynom-cthry. " How do I know ? Hogan was in here last night with an article on th" ' Mysthries iv Base- ball.' Ifs be a lamed man. Here ft h: 'Th' ordhinry obsarvare, or lunkhead, who knows nawthin' naw-thin' about baseball excipt what he larncd be playin' it, has no idee that th' game as played today is wan iv th' most inthricate sciences known to mankind. In th' first place, th' player must have an absolute masthry iv th theery iv ballistic motion. This is especialy thruc iv th' pitcher. A most exact knowlege iv mathymatics is required re-quired f'r th' position. What is vulgarly known as th' spit ball, on account rv th1 homely way in which th' op'rator procures his effects, is, in fact, a solution iv wan iv th' most inthricate problems prob-lems in mechanics. Th' purpose iv th' pitcher is to projict th' projictyle so that at a pint between his position an' th' batsman th tindincy to proceed pro-ceed on its way will be counteracted be an impulse im-pulse to return whence it come. Th' purpose iv th' batsman is, afther judgin be scientific methods th' probable coorsc or thrajecthry iv the missile, to oppose it with sufneyent foorce at th' proper moment an' at th' most efficient point, first to retard its for'ard movement, thin to correct th' osscylation, an' fiVlly to propel it in a direction approximately opposite fr'm its original progress. This, I am informed, is technically known, as "pasting tli' ball on th' nose (or bugle)." In a gr-reat number iv cases which I obsarved th' cx-rrimMif cx-rrimMif it- th hafsman failrrl. an' th' nmnirc was obliged so to declare, th' ball havin' actually crossed th' plate, but eluded th' (intended) blow. In other cases where no blow was attempted or even meditated T noted that th umpire erred, an' in gin'ral I must deplore a gin'ral lack iv thrained scientific obsarvation on th' part iv this officyal. He made a number fv glarin' blundhers, an' I was not surprised to Jam fr'm a gintleman who sat next to me that he (th' umpire) had spint th' arly part iv his life as a fish in th' Mammoth cave iv Kentucky. I thried me best to show me disapproval dis-approval iv his onscientific an' infamious methods be hittin' him over th' head with me umbrella as he left, th' grounds. ' " ' At th' rcqutst iv th' iditor iv th magazine, I intherviewed Misther Bugs Mulligan, th' pitcher iv th' Kangaroos, afther th' game. I found th' cillybrated expert in th' rotundy iv th' Grand Palace hotel, where he was settin' with other players, polishin' his finger nails. I r-read him my notes on th' game an' he expressed his approval, ap-proval, addin' with a show at lastc iv cnthusyasm: " Bo, ye have a head like a dhrum." I requested him to sign th' foregoin' statement, but he declined, de-clined, remarkin' that th' last time he wrote his name he sprained his wrist an' was out iv th' game f'r a week.' " What'd I be doin' at th' likes iv a game like that? I'd come away with a narvous headache. No, sir, whin I take a day off, I take a day off. J'm not goin' to a baseball game. I'm goin' to lake a bag iv peanuts an' spind an afthcruoon at th' chimical lahrytory down at th' collcdge, where there's something goin' on I can undhcrstand." " O, sure," said Mr. Henncssy, " if 'twas as mystceryous as all that, how cud Tom Donohue's boy Petic larn it, that was fired fr'm th' brothers' school because he cudden't add? " "Well, I dinnaw' said Mr. Dooley. "I thought iv that th' last time he was in here. I'd been readin' an article be Pro-fissor Slapgood, an' I har'ly knew how to addhress th' young scientist, though 'tis not so manny years since I chased him away fr'm in front iv th' place with th' hose. I'd lost thrack iv him since he left home, so I says: ' I suppose ye've studied hard says T, ' since I sceti ye last,' I says. ' How long a coorse iv science did ye take befure ye enthered th' pro-fisyon pro-fisyon ? ' says L ' Put 'em lower says he. ' Th' sun's in me eyes he says. ' Well,' says I, ' where did ve lam baseball?' I says, ''in th' back wi with a bed slat an' a woolen ball he says. ' Thin it isn't thrue ye wint to Heidelberg whin ye left here ? ' says I. ' I niver heerd iv th' team. I wint as stibstichoot sicond base on th' Baryboo nine, an' thin wa3 thraded to Cedar Rapids he says. ' This here pa-aper says I, ' says ye pitch a wondherful ball that ye projoocc be disturbin' th' relations iv th' radyua iv th' ball to th' circumference,' circumfer-ence,' says I. ' How about it?' ' It's thrue,' says he, 'He's thryin' to tell ye In simple language about th' old spitter. Ye sec, it's this way, old boss : On some days I can peg it so it crosses th' turkey like a poached egg, an' Ty Cobb cudden't hit it with a snow shovel. That's th' day I've got th' smoke on to it. Thin another day, whin I feel just as good as iver, ivry thing I toss across looks like a thrunk covered with electhric lights. That's th' afternoon I take me girl f r a walk. What's, th' name iv that fellow that wrote th' article ye was readin' ?' says he. ' What d'ye want to know f r ?' says I. ' I want to find out how I do it whin I do it, an' why I don't do it whin I don't says he. " I ast him about th' science iv hattfn'. He said it was in hittin' on'y th' good wans. His idee iv th' mathymaticks iv ficldin' was niver to thry to catch a ground ball with th' ankle, or a fly ball with th' nose. ' Whin says I, ' d'ye pitch best? ' a day or two, says nc, Derare i sign me con-thract,' con-thract,' he says. I asked about his thrainin'. It is simple but severe. Afther breakfast he goes to dinner. His dinner is usually intherruptcd In th' middle iv th' fifth pie be th' summons to th' game. Afther th' game he goes to supper. Afther supper he sets in a rockin' chair in fronf iv th' hotel till th' manager goes to bed, whin he an' th' other athlects sojourn to a rathskellar. He is invaryably in bed befure th' manager gets up. In return f'r all their suff'rin', these hayroes ar-re threated like white slaves. His sal'ry is on'y nine thousand, dol- lars a year, an' fr this he is often compelled to - ; pitch ivry other week. ' jfj: f iff; ? ' " That's all I cud get out iv him, an' there ye -J jjj; ar-re. I know no more about th' subjick now, at jjlj th' end iv me invistigation, thin Willum Alden Smith knows about steamboats an' icebergs. j " Annyhow, 'tis a gr-rand game, Hinnissy, whether 'tis played th' way th' pro-fissor thinks , or th' way Petic larncd to play it in th' back ? yard, an' I shudden't wondher if it's th' way he's jj still playin'. Th' two gr-rcat American spoorts i ';.': are a good deal alike pollyticks an' baseball. ' f -;! They're both played be profissyonals, th' teams j; ar-re r-run be fellows that cudden't throw a base- ball or stuff a ballot box to save their lives, an' 'iv,- ar-re on'y inthrestcd in countin' up th' gate re- '':'! ceip'ts. An' here ar-re we settin' out in th' sun ''ffM on th' bleaching boards, payin' our good money I f'r th' spoort, hot an' oncomfortable but happy, jib; injyin' ivry good play, hootin' ivry bad wan, lenowin' nawthin' about th' inside play an' not carin', but all jinin' in th' cry iv 'Kill th' cm- jjj:H pire.' They're both gr-rand games." p;ljt " Speakin' iv pollyticks," said Mr. rlenncssy, " who d'ye think'll be iJicted?" " Afther lookin' th' candydates over," said Mr. Dooley, " an' studyin' their qualifications care- Mm fully, I can't thnithfully say that I see a pnsidin- tial possibility in sight." fi'jl Copyright. 1012. by Flaky Peter Dunne. tJ $ |