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Show Qetttxerecl Smiles TEXAS PRIDE. G. A. Jones, who looks after a portion por-tion of the Swenson interests in Texas, was bothered by thefts of wood from the Spur range. He sent Dut Al Sullivan, a cowboy, to catch the thieves. Within a few days Al brought one in an old nester, dirty ind ragged, with his toes out of his shoes and a tuft of hair showing through the crown of his hat. "I don't feel like sending you to ail," said Jones, "but you've got to be punished. So we'll take a photograph 5f you for the rogues' gallery." The human scarecrow promised complete reform and they stood him dp and took his picture. About a week later, still in his rags, he stood beside the rancher's lesk. "What can I do" for you?" Jones isked, looking up. "If you please, Mr. Jones," said the Jbject, "kin you spare me one of Ihem pictures to send to my kins-lolks?" kins-lolks?" Popular Magazine. Change of Heart. "Blinks has suddenly begun to take a deep interest in the welfare of his country." "He used to say he didn't care very much whether the ship of state foundered foun-dered or not." "That was -before, he bought a suburban sub-urban lot on terms of $50 down and $5 a month." A WISE CLERK. The Boss I'm very sorry, John, but owing to increasing business I can only let you have one week'B vacation this summer instead of the usual two weeks. The Clerk Oh! that's all right, sir. Half a loaf is better than none, you know, and an increase of business means an Increase in salary, I suppose. sup-pose. Draw Your Own Conclusions. His heart Is In his work, But we've heard His newest lady clerk Is a bird. Didn't Get Much. Maud I'm told I get my good looks from my mother. Ethel I wouldn't repeat that If I were you. Maud Why not? Ethel People will think your mother moth-er was stingy. Not at an End, However. "So our engagement Is all over?" he said moodily. "I am afraid it is, darling." There was a note of triumph in her voice. "You see," she explained, "I told It to my dearest girl friend as a great secret." Then, indeed, did 'he realize that it was all over. Lippincott's. Prepared. "What are you carrying that lantern lan-tern around for?" "I am looking for an honest man," replied Diogenes. "But why the lantern?" "Well, you know you can't expect a man of standing to come forward and go to work unless you start in by offering certain spotlight Inducements." Induce-ments." Very Mysterious. An old colored woman had occasion to call the doctor for her husband, who was very ill. The doctor made a diagnosis and pronounced it a severe case of gastritis. "Oh, Lor', doctor," ejaculated the Did woman, "how did he eber get dat gastritis? I hain't burnt a t'lng but coal lie in dis yere house, an' powerful power-ful little ob dat." Harper's Bazar. Simple When You Know. The secret of real beauty la As plain as day. Tou've merely to accomplish this: Be born that way. Ctttf"lic Standard and Times. Too Soon. "Bliggins, when did you begin to write stuff for the papers?" "Me? Great Hott, old chap, I've been doing It for more than two years!" "Then there's no use of my trying to give you any pointers. I've been at It only 45 years." 'TIs So. To wait, alns, Is very tame. 'TIs hard to play A waiting; game. I MIDNIGHT SUPPER. Howe So the famous baseball player play-er ate a Welsh rabbit before retiring and had some wonderful dreams? Were his dreams characteristic of his profession? Wise I should say so. Why, he was pitching and tossing all night Sure. Who's on the go, Both soon and late? "Why, don't you know? The candidate. An Earnest Actor. "Rantington Roarer announces that he will retire from the stage." "Indeed. I have often heard him talk about elevating the stage, but I didn't think he was serious." Figuring That Way. The stage manager was flirting with the soubrette when the comedian came nosing around. "Three is a crowd," remarked the stage manager, pointedly. "In that case we have a pretty good audience tonight," said the comedian come-dian as he peeped through the curtain. New Game. "What's the matter with thus mule's shoes?" asked the village blacksmith. "I put them on'day before yesterday and they look all right to me." "Never mind how dey looks," replied re-plied Erastus Pinkley. "You jest take dem shoes off an' put on yuthuh ones. Me an' Samson Smiley will stan' de expense." "What has Smiley to do with it?" "He's helpin' me finance a spo'tin' proposition. We's got a bet on how many times yo kin fool aroun' dat mule's feet befo' you gits laid out." TIMELY LEAP. She This is called "Lover's Leap." I knew a girl who leaped over there once for love of a sweetheart. He It must have been leap-year, eh! An Explanation. The steamboat came splashing along her course, at full speed, and the first thing the passengers knew had crashed head-on into the pier. "Mercy," cried a passenger, as the bow crashed and the splinters flew. "I wonder what is the matter?" "Nothln'," said Pat, one of the deckhands. deck-hands. "Nothin", ma'am ut looks to me as if the captain Just forgot that we shtop here." Harper's Weekly. Saving Time. "I see you are carrying home a new kind of breakfast food," remarked the first commuter. "Yes," said the second commuter. "I was missing too many trains. The old brand required thjee seconds to prepare. You can fix up this new kind in a second and a half." Borrowed Fame. "I see that a New York editor Is accused of insisting on attaching hla name to poems that were written by paid contributors." "What of It? I know a rich corset maker who puts his name on a corset that was invented by another man." Would Miss Himself So. "It does a man good to get away from himself Te.cjislonally." "Every man, perhaps, except a profound pro-found egotist. He never gets away from himself because he knows that if he ever did he would die of loneliness." lone-liness." A Proof. "Braggs is passionately in love Mth his wife." "How do you know?" "He brings tho coal up for her without with-out onco grumbling about it." j |