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Show JMfik WlhfflM'yffl fw- - - - i hi tttMi - - - -T - - Oil C EifflKIPW? by Rick Broogh wwMwmwpwMiwifc k. ... jrjr ggg This is the official headline of the 1984 Celebrity Classic Whaddyaknow is proud to be the Official Column of the 1984 Celebrity Ski Classic. This weekend, Park City will be awash in Hollywood actors and famous athletes as we host the Celebrity Classic. Unfortunately, the famous faces seem to keep to themselves, on the slopes and in the condos, and we ordinary Parkites don't see them much. Oh, sure, occasionally someone claims that he saw a celebrity in the furthest reaches of the Alpha Beta. J But I always classed those people with the "National Enquirer" folk who say there were kidnapped by Venusians to mate with their women. But anyway, to encourage the celebs to be less shy, the Park Record is sponsoring its first annual "Here, Son, Have a Life-Saver" Consolation Awards. Any VIPs who finish badly in the ski races can claim a consolation prize. But they must publicly appear at the Record during business hours to claim the valuable prize. We can't tell you what the consolation prize is. Let's just say that, like a diamond ring, it's small and it's round. And also, it's fruit-flavored. Goofy is one of the celebrities who will appear at the races. According to press room supervisor Teri Gomes, Walt Disnery Productions has provided pro-vided for the Goof to appear in the opening ceremonies at the Resort Center ice rink. In a special ceremony held yesterday in Salt Lake, Goofy was granted U.S. citizenship in a last-minute last-minute legal maneuver that allowed him to participate in the Park City races. The oath was administered by Mayor McCheese to Goofy, who placed his hand on a Disney-illustrated Bible and said "Oh, golly gee, I swear to God, hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!" Though Goofy has been a major star for 40 years, he has never taken out U.S. citizenship. Goofy's native land, in a special agreement with the State Department, has insisted that its identity will never be disclosed. , Goofy accepted congratulatory telegrams tele-grams from President Reagan, Reverend Rev-erend Jerry Falwell, and Jesse Jackson, who all said the cartoon character has influenced them in their own public lives. Ski Team Director Inez Aimee said Goofy represents the best attributes in amateur sports. "His fanatical enthusiasm enthu-siasm has never flagged, despite his total lack of coordination, his complete ignorance of game rules, and the fact he only has four fingers and always wears white gloves," she said. His flamboyant style, as shown in numerous Disney cartoons, has redefined American athletes. In basketball, he stuffed himself through the hoop instead of the ball. On the hockey rink, he pursued cuddly chipmunks Chip and Dale rather than the puck. And in baseball, he stirred up noxious clouds of dust that delayed games up to six hours before they dissipated. "The Ski Team is proud to have him as their mascot," said Aimee. The Snyderville Sewer Improvement District is to be congratulated for this week's win at the polls. It just goes to show you what can happen if you (1) get the word out to the public, (2) explain your situation clearly and (3) tell 'em you're gonna levy the money anyway, so they might as well vote "Yes." Now that the district has secured the bond, a Snyderville source has informed the Record how the money will really be used. Working with the Chamber of Commerce, it has established relations with a Sister City of Sewage in France. General Manager Ed Davis and several board members will travel to the village of Merde, France, which is right downstream from Courchevel. Board member Jan Wilking said the Americans can learn a lot by studying the French sewer system. "We will look at some of their hand-jiggling techniques for stubborn toilets," said Wilking. "We will compare the U.S. toilets, which flush clockwise, with the counterclockwise flushes on the European models." The two areas have similar problems. Due to the magnetic pull of the nearby Mediterranean, the Merde sewer system often has a tidal-wave problem. Park City faces the same thing on heavy-tourist days. Wilking pledged that the district will curb expenses during the trip. "We never travel first-class on plane flights," he said. "Usually we spend most of our time in the commode, taking notes." He said such study trips pay off by winning respectability for the district. "We were just named the Official Sewage System for the 1984 Celebrity Classic," said Wilking. "You don't get that by staying at home with the plunger." A recent Salt Lake Tribune reports that Salt Lake County is considering a law against "sex paraphernalia." The disturbing thing here is that the law will apparently cover even suggestively-shaped objects such as pillows! If such a restrictive law is passed here, some of the following will probably be outlawed: Pictures of King Kong standing atop the Empire State Building. Any road construction that involves public displays of jackham-mer jackham-mer drilling. Any display of the large soaring white crane at the Silver Mill project. Videotapes of "Skiercise." Photos of sewer board members staying home with their plungers. Back in school, you were pretty hard up if you excused a late paper by saying, "The dog chewed it up." But in Tucson, Arizona, a reporter got away with it mainly because he was telling the truth." A court judge demanded the notes from an Airzona Daily Star reporter who covered the clash between police and a religious sect. According to the AP report, the journalist explained that his notes were chewed up by his 18-month-old-son! "He made a pretty good mess of them, yes," said the writer. The judge let him off the hook. Meanwhile, the baby is reportedly working his way up to chasing cars and running cats up trees. Park City is proud to be the home of the Rocky Mountain Potgut, the Official Flat, Dead Road Animal of the 1984 Celebrity Ski Classic. |