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Show ?!pr ,v Kirk Krough Throw some this way I don't mind the City Council making an occasional gift to the Chamber of Commerce. As you can see by the news pages, the council is proposing to give $100,000 to the Chamber. This money, we are told, comes from revenues generated by an increase in the resort sales tax. The sales tax increase was aimed at the tourists who visit Park City. These people create a demand for services, so they should pay for them, we figured. Now a good portion of this sales-tax money will go to the Chamber, which will attract more tourists, to create more demand, to be paid for by more sales tax... some folks may say this is a fiscal form of bulimia (where one binges in order to throw up), but I disagree. The idea is fine, but maybe the City Council could hand out money to other equally important institutions in town. How about giving $75,000 to the Park Record? Every week the Record represents our town to the outside world. You may ask, does the Record present an attractive and wholesome picture of the town? Well, don't ask. I mean, if you're going to nit-pick, we'll never get anywhere. Rest assured, your tax money will be used wisely It will go to buy fine wardrobes ward-robes and snappy cars for Park Record staffers. We can then be effective effect-ive ambassadors for Park City whether attending an important press conference in Salt Lake, dancing at the Zephyr Club or eating at Wendy's. Wen-dy's. How about giving $75,000 more to Park City Performances, for further productions of "This is the Place"? With this funding, PCP can present the musical every weekend in perpetuity, until the money gives out or the cast drops dead. Is the play worth that amount of money? Well, by comparison, let's look at one of the Chamber's productions. produc-tions. Remember the billboard that was placed down by the Salt Lake freeway? The picture of a wholesome family romping in the meadow, with their frisky ; dog? To- Parkites, this became known as the "Sound of Music ' billboard." If that is worth $100,000 then surely "This is the Place" deserves 75 grand. Finally, the Council could give $100,000 to a new organization called the Chamber of Non-Commerce. This group consists of people who don't own businesses residents who need to learn how to act around tourists. Visitors want to see what the residents look like. But most of the time, we're in the living room, guzzling beer and watching "The A-Team"; falling asleep in a rocking chair on the front porch; or staggering out of a bar on Main Street and throwing up on tourists' oxfords. The Chamber of Non-Commerce plans to buy the complete tapes of every episode of "Andy of Mayberry." These will be stored at the City Library, where they can be studied by residents. Parkites will learn how to leave hot apple pies sitting out on windowsills. They will stage square dances and quilting bees. They will also set up a barber shop on Main Street, where the City Council will sit around all day - and tell quaint, lovalbe stories. Watch our sales-tax revenues soar then ! LAST IMPRESSIONS, DEPT: A while ago we read the obituary in the newspaper for novelist Irwin Shaw, and we were struck by one detail in the article. It said that at the time of his death, there were two books by his bedside a novel by Thomas Mann, and a book of Byron's poems. Obviously, we can deduce that novelist Shaw was a man of culture and breeding right to the very end. Most of us hope that we will utter some Great Last Words before we die. Now, you can eliminate that problem and still leave a good impression. Make sure that when you kick off, you are surrounded by great works of literature by Bernard Malamud, T. S. Eliot, Tolstoi, Nietzche or F. Scott Fitzgerald. This is sort of a Great Deathbed Books series fine writing that won't help you in the next life. But it will assure you loved ones that your last conscious thoughts were of a lofty nature. On the other hand, make sure you hide the stuff you really read under the bed. fliis would include the National Enquirer and People, the Garfield car-'.. car-'.. toon books and your stack of "Sports Illustrated" that consists of only one issue per year the swimsuit edition. We could start a business called Terminal Lit, Inc. When a client dies, Terminal Lit gets to the death scene before the coroner, and makes sure the corpse is surrounded by worthy literature. At the same time, they confiscate con-fiscate any embarrassing books and mags from his room and library shelves. Here are some examples of how this could work: For a journalist What you leave: Woodward and Bernstein's "All the President's Men"; books by Mike Royko; the "Making of a President" series by Theodore White; and Playboy magazines with the dirty pictures excised and the political interviews in-terviews saved. What you get rid of: Woodward's book on John Belushi; Dan Valentine's colllected columns; the "funny-caption" books for news photos; and "The Sex Lives of Famous People." Businessmen What you leave: Copies of Fortune and Business Week; Dale Carnegie's "How to Succeed" books ; the works of Adam Smith. What you get rid of : Mickey Spillane novels; "Winning Through Intimidation"; In-timidation"; and a collection of tasteless joke books. Clergy What you leave: the Bible; the biography of Martin Luther; Norman Nor-man Vincent Peale's "Power of Positive Thinking." What you get rid of: the Rocky Horror Picture books and paraphernalia; parapher-nalia; a set of TV Guides, complete, going back to 1955; and the "BYU Coed Joke Book." Utah Republican officials What you leave: "The Federalist Papers"; Washinton's biography; Zane Grey Westerns and Wolfe's "The Right Stuff." What you get rid of : "How to Survive the Coming Nuclear Holocaust"; Solider of Fortune magazine; Gordon LiddyVWill." Ex-college radicals What you leave: Kurt Vonnegut; Tolkein's "Ring" series; books by Hunter Thompson; Carlos Castenada. What you get rid of: "High Times" magazine; Apartment Wrestling Monthly; Mon-thly; Louis L'amour Westerns; and Spiderman comics. Developers What you leave: Ed Abbey's "Monkey Wrenchy Gang"; photograph books by Ansel Adams; the Whole Earth Catalog. What you get rid of: James Watt's autobiography; "Red Men Don't Eat Quiche" ; "100 Uses for a Dead Cat." |