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Show HUMAN NATURE. if e gnyly packed his grips and tilings and went on his vacation, Ami suli'ered varied forms of pain and . torture and privation. j Mosquitoes bit him fore and aft in al- ! most every section. And pestered him until he looked a picture pic-ture of dejectiou. lie ate a flock of rotten grub and drunk a lot of water That reeked with microbes, germs and things that y canned for human slaughter. lie lay upon a bunk at night and tossed in deep vexation. And wondered how a bunk could have so great a population. Two weeks he spent in woodland glades he had no time for catching The musky trout or big blark bass he spent his time in scratching. Then, sore at heart and pocket, he returned re-turned to his employment And told the gang for' weeks about his fortnight of enjoyment. IT 18 EASIEE TO CONDUCT A ! COLUMN. Vacations are vain. They give yotwa pain. If those man-eating sharks on the Jersey coast don't havo a care, one of them will run into a mosquito and get his block knocked off. Bill Donovan has one consolation. Even if he were to shoot all his athletes ath-letes at sunrise, ho couldn't finish in last place. HOW TO BECOME A BALL PLATER. Baseball, as the public knows, is a 1 profitable profession. Some of our baseball base-ball stars draw almost half as much salary as the newspapers say they are getting. If you are young, strong, sound in wind and limb and disinclined to work, we advise you to become a ball player. It is a simple matter to become a , successful bail player. The recipe is as : follows: Imitate Ty Cobb. Some time ago there was a popular song entitled ' ' I 'm on My Way to Mexico. Is'ow they are singing "Home, Sweet Home." ' Frank Goteh and George Hacken-schmidt Hacken-schmidt have retired, but the wrestling game lives in spite of them. , JONAH SEEMS TO BE AN INTELLIGENT INTELLI-GENT CHAP. Bear Sir: Having read your column for the last few days, I have come to the conclusion that "you are under the impression that the weather is warm. JONAH. Not that we mean to be inquisitive or anything like that, but how would you like to be one of the polar bears m Bronx park? YEARNING. A cake of ice upon my head, Another cake to cool my feet, A nice voting iceberg for my bed And life would then be calm and sweet. To Whom It May Concern (Friday night): I am going'hoie and flop into a cool bathtub, in spit' of the fact that it isn 't Saturday. I ouldn 't have the heart to ask a Ford to work on a day like this. :t HEAT. The best description of heat we ever i have read was written by Hangman Welsh, who sat gleaning knowledge be- side us in the little old schoolhouse 1 y 'ars and y'ars ago. "Heat," wrote Hangman in reply to a question on an examination paper, "is wlfcit makes you hot." This, however, is a serious essay. Heat is not a joke. We do not know the component parts of heat, but we are well acquainted with its result. It is mostly profanity. According to Biblical writings, heat was discovered by a guy named Lucifer. Luci-fer. The chief trouble with heat is that it is not evenly distributed. Once upon a time we won a pot on four spades arnica lad who held queens up got hotheaded hot-headed because he had cold feet. Heat is valuable in various walks of 1 i life. It runs our railway trains, our (steamships, such as they "are, and our I boxing game, such as it i's. Were it not I for his power to generate hot atmosphere, atmos-phere, Tom Jones would still be piiot-i piiot-i in schooners across the bar. 1 Heat, however, is not a pleasant subject sub-ject of discussion on such a dav as this. I We are goint; across the street. ! SECOND ACT. i (Fifteen minutes are supposed to chpsc between the first and second acts.) ! It is cooler now. I Some like the word "coolth," while others are partial to the word, "coolness." "cool-ness." In our estimation, "cooHh" is the better word if you are tongue-tied. We are told bv wire that Fred Welsh and Charley White will meet somewhere sometime. If they don't have a care they might. HAVE A HEART, CHICK! Chick Evans comes to scoff us, But, heanily, methinks 'Tis cooler in the office Than on a golfing links. - The Toledo fan who beaned the ump with the pop bottle was an inconsiderate inconsider-ate cuss. He might at least have used a beer bottle. The Yanks, we are told, have been drawing great thrones to the Polo grounds. Moft of them, we suspect, are doctors looking for work. P.ill Carrignn wears a wrist watch nnd Hugh .lennintrs patronizes manicure parlors. Next thing we know Heine Ziin will wear snats. Speaking of " boats, which seem to be the popular topic these da vs. there J is the U-lDl'i, commanded by Connie- I Mark. It has been siihinerueil since last L April. I t ChriMv Malhewson is said to be jtrt- A,fY tins $'.'".011(1 a vear for nianaffing the 1 Re.b. tf he were to get $20,000,000 ' he wouldn't be overpaid. |