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Show -:-:-:-:-:-:-x-xx-:-:--x--:--:-:-:5- Spoiling the $ I Child :: : :j; J By RING LARDNER '? "..... '' To the Editor: I have received a letter from she who signs herself Worried Mother, that wants information in regards to how to handle her 2 kids that seems to be kind of a wild pair and in behalf be-half of other parents that maybe in the same pickle, It looks like I should ought to print her letter to me and my reply to same as follows: She writes, in a kind of illiterate way : "Dear Sir: 1 beet informed by the authority that you have 4 children that is probably the best behaved children this side ct the reform school. Well, Mr., I haven't got only y2 as many children, 1 of them a boy 4 yrs. old and the other a girl, 1 and yrs. old and I can't do anything with either 1 of them. For inst in the first place, the little girl won't sleep nights and crys a whole lot and also laps up more milk than we can afford to buy for her. In regards to the boy, he won't mind anything we tell him and keeps running run-ning away from home and when the neighbors' children comes over to play with him, it always winds up in u fight and he always gets the worst of it as he hasn't got no nerve, if you will pardon the slang. I enclose a plain envelope with no writing on it for reply and hope you won't fail to reply." Atd then she signs her name and address which is none of our reader! business. My reply follows: "Mrs. Angus Simpson, 436 Railroad Street, Crestline, Ohio. Dear old girl : You can bet I won't fail to reply to your overtures as I always make it a pt to auswer mash notes from fair ladys of the fair sex. I presume your note was in code, but I will reply to it on the up and up and my motto is safety 1st and then they can't nobody no-body have a comeback. You been well informed about the size of my family and you couldn't of come to a better man to get the desired information. Amongst my 4 children I had about the same kind of a struggle you are having with your 2, but I presume you have to . give the boy the unique name of Junior Jun-ior and probably the little girl is called Lil. Well, we will take up Junior. 1 of my sons about the same age had a habit of running away from home all hrs. of the day and finely along come the good old summer time and I told him he could go bare footed, then I went out on the st and paved it for a a mile in both directions with tacks turned bottom side up but the little devil crossed me by going through the fields and the neighbors back yds. So 1 day I got him out in the wood shed and pretended like I was splitting kindling wood and by accident the heel of my hatchet come down on 3 toes of his 1st ft foremost and the operation was successful. Him and his parent both thought it was an accident so to say. The way It is now, his nurse who is 79 yrs. old and built in proportion, can roll after him and catch him before he gets out of the yd. As for Junior not minding anything you say, I have a kid that was the same way until I got me a whipping post witch can be boughten at a reduction re-duction in any first class post office and after about 3 lessons he begun to pay a tension. One day after 1 give him the works, a couple of our friends drove by in their tractor and they seen him and stopped and said: 'Hello, Stupid, are you all well?' 'No thank you, was his reply. T am all welts.' As for Junior being afraid to fight, the thing is to match him up with Maloney and let him get some courage. cour-age. Now In respects to Lil. I haven't no gals, but the same treatment ought to be good tor both brands. One of my kids insisted on 5 bottles of milk a day and wouldn't take no less till I conceived the idear of putting sour milk in 3 of the bottles and he wouldn't touch none but the other 2 and we made a daily savings of CO per cent on milk alone. And when this bird wouldn't sleep at night I would first rock him to sleep with a punch In the jaw or sprinkle a little chloroform on his pillow and the first thing you know you couldn't hardly wake him up. 1 also had a kid that cried a whole lot and for no reason except that he had the collect or something or was getting teeth, witeh Is a waste of time in the first place because they loose them all when they are about 6 or 7 and get a new string. Well, when he had cried till I couldn't stand It no more, I went out and bought a double hid. shotgun and shot out his tear ducks. Children Is a great comfort when they are broughtei up right and not get too fresh and it is all in the handling. I hope I have helped you out, darie, and if you ever hi; this old town eff New York City, 1 vi:-h you would call me up or give me a ring as they say. only be sure not to call up the house as the phone isn't In very good shape and pretty near aobody is liable to answer and not understand you, but give me a ring at the office and what ever information I can give you, why 1 am at your beckon call." j lore's Island. N. Y. by the Bell Syndicate, Tnc.) |