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Show I Humorous Story of S Q jj ILEWIS ecauao r 1 H the Woea That ? Hartley Insisted a I Can"Ta?tlly Th Veteran on Ordering the J 1 on Their First Unmorict ! Turkey from the m IThsging j " j,.!!!011"'' J IT WAS to be their first Thanksgiving dlnnor after wedded bliss young Mr. and Mrs. Hartley and they determined deter-mined to colebrato tho ovent In a befitting be-fitting manner. Thoy wero settled in a cosy littlo Hat, and Mrs. Hartluy was Just dying to play hostess. Tho husband, on his part, felt that he could aosumo all the suavity and dignity of host at tho head of his own table, and so tho affair was talked ovor and planned out with all the onthualusm that lound some now detail to feod upon every succeeding uay. Tho first Idea was to Invite a party of fourteen to sit down to tho dlnnor, making ma-king sixteen in all. This had been settled for several days when tho husband returned re-turned homo one evening to find tho wife In tears. Of courso ne put his arms around her and anxiously asked if ills mother-in-law were 111 or deaa, and after a littlo alio choken baok hor sobs and replied: re-plied: "Nobody Is ill or dead, but 1 havo been measuring with a tapellnu." . "Measuring what tho back yard?" "No; tho dining-room and tho tablo. Tho tablo won't Boat but eight persons, and wo couldn't get over tweivo Into the olnlng-room It wo packed thorn llko sardines. sar-dines. What are wo to do? Can't tho wnll3 bo bulged out, or something, to maku room?" Tho husband critically examined tho walls and decided that they already hud all thc bulco that could be reasonably expected ot them. A mountain of anxiety was settling down on tho littlo household whon hla lace suddenly cleared and ho exclaimed: ex-claimed: "By George, but it's tho cosiest thing ln the world! Instead of having sixteen wo will only havo eight!" "Oh, Hurry, but how wiso and clever you axe!" alio exclaimed ln turn, as she dried hor tears and embraced him. "No ono on this earth but you would havo thought of anything so clover." That point was Got over and all was screno, but only for a fow hours. At midnight that night Harry was nudged out or his sleep lo hear a voice saying: "Wo can't havo a Thanksgiving dlnnor after all. If we net the tablo for eight persons the tablecloth will bo too short. Whon mamma bought them for us sho said wo would nevor want to scat over four or five at once. Oh, Horry, but!" "But all we'vo got to do Is to buy a longer cloth," ho elceplly replied. "That's so. Why didn't 1 think of It? You aro Just tho cleverest man ln this world, and I'm not going to worry any raoru." But sho did. Next day sho discovered that she had only knives and forks for six. It was tho samo with dining-room chairs. It was tho same with tho after-dinner after-dinner coffco cups and several other things, and sho had wept for an hour whon Harry camo home and suggested that tho way out of thc difficulty was to buy or borrow. For ten days beforo Thanksgiving there were rohearsals ovory evening. That Is. pictures wero taken down and reliung. tho tablo set. an Imagl. nary company assembled, and host and hostess went through their ports until It was certain that thero co'uld bo no failure. Meanwhile, tho turkoy had by no means been forgotten. On tho contrary, ho had really been tho main lsssuc, and tho other matters were tangonts. It hud nevor been a question between turkey, gooso or duck. It had been turkoy from tho Aral a fat young turkey weighing from ton to tweivo pounds a turkoy stuffed with oysters oys-ters and done brown and carved after tho rules laid down by the world's greatest chefa. They had talked, sung and dreamed of turkoy. and on th& sly each had consulted poulterers and butchers days and dayu in advance. From a natural history taken from the public library they read up on tho habits of tho bird, and they smacked their lips ln unison over the concluding words: "And tho turkey Is probably tho finest oatlng of any of tho doraostlo fowl that can be named." Up to llvo days beforo Thanksgiving thero had not been a word of disagreement disagree-ment or tho slightest friction. Thon camo a cloud. Tho young wlfo argued that the turkoy should bo bought that very day and placed ln tlio rofrlgerator. A bird ln tho bo was worth two ln tho butcher shop. Tho market might go up, or all the turkeys In the country lly off to Canada to bo roasted. She would be on tho safe aide. Every hour or two, until he was wanted for tho oven, sho would look In on the bird and seo that ho had not escaped, and ho would bo a prlzo to exhibit to any of her friends dropping ln. 1 Tho husband, on tho contrary, held that tho turkey should bo loft alive till tho last day. llo would be gaining fat and Juiciness Juici-ness all tho times, and would havo the flavor of a fresh-picked peach when ready for tho table. RaUj, germs or microbes might get after him oven amidst tho Ice, and tho thought was not lo bo entertained. enter-tained. When tho husband had called his wlfo's attention to tho fact that hla grandfather had once ran a turkey ranch, and that ho himself hnd boon talking turkey tur-key slnco he was 19 years old, tho wlfo give in and tho next question camo up. Who should order this bird? Tho wlfo contendod that sho should. It was not only hor privilege as a houBOwIfc, but tho butcher would naturally glvo a wlfo a Creator cholco and a finer bird than ho would a husband. Sho could elicit a positive posi-tive guarantee from him as to age. conduct, con-duct, fatness and tcnderncMS, whllo ho would certainly sook to work off most any eld bird, of most any ago and condition, on an innocent-looking young husband. It would bo solcctod tho day beforo Thanksgiving, with jw<lvo and unalterable unalter-able ordors for dollvury next morning at oharp 9 o'clock. By 10 o'clock ho would bo ln tho oven, and by 1 ho would make hla bow to tho audienco. Yes, It was all settled that sho should go down to tho But another disagreement took place. As tho head of tho house It was tho husband's hus-band's duty lo select tho turkey. Next year ho might waive his right, but it could not bo thought of now. Wisdom, experience, experi-ence, observation and cleverness wero required re-quired to solect a turkey to do honor to tho occasion, and tho butcher who thought to pull feathers over his eyoa would meet his Waterloo In trying It on. He might have an lnnocont look, and people might think ho could bo "worked," but whan his guests ato of that twelve-pound turkoy tur-koy they should bo usked to doclde. Tho situation was strained for an hour, and then the wlfo gavo up. If sho was to havo tho honor of cooking the turkoy, why not grant tho husband tho honor of buying it? "Sir," said young Mr. Hartley as ho entered en-tered a butcher shop where scores of dressed fowls woro hanging by tho legs or plied In heaps. "I want one of the best twelve-pound turkeys ln the place, and I want to tell you that I know the difference differ-ence botwuon a first und second rater and can't bo deceived." "I llko to seo one of your sort," replied tho butchor with u patronizing amllo; und ho proceeded to hunL out the leanest and toughest bird In tho lot and declared that Georgo Washington never saw a finer one. It was paid for and the order booked for 0 o'clock next morning, and Mr. Hartley i wont homo patting himself on the back. Beforo ho slept that night ho had described de-scribed tho butchor, tho butcher shop, the turkey nnd what ho said so many limes over that his wlfo dreamed of them and woke up with tho nightmare. Breakfast next morning was o.it nf th- way betimes to prepare tho slutting and lake tho bird ln. Nino o'clock conic, lxit Jhv buiohor'A boy, did not oppoar. Ho was given half an hour's grace and then Mr. Hartley walked out to meet and reprove him At 10 he headed for the butchor shop. Tho butcher consulted his ordor book or his uausugo-iitufflng machine or something or other, and then said that the boy had started out at 8:30 and must have reached tho house long ago. Mr. Hartloy got home at 10:30 to find Inquiries, toars and reproaches awaiting him. Ho took them all In Ills arms and soothe them by saying that he would go out and telephone from the corner. Yes, this wan Jones, thc butcher, and what was wanted? The Hartley turkoy ordered for 9 o'clock? Certainly. Owing to an Incomprehensible mistake, such a ono as had never happened before and could by no possibility happen again, the bird had been left lying on Its back under un-der a bunch, but would Instantly bo forwarded for-warded by lightning express. Sorry, but you know how It is? Mr. Hartley returned lo tho house and waited for tho lightning express to strike. It didn't connect, and Mrs. Hartley wept and reproached and would not be comforted. com-forted. If she had ordered tho turkey if sho had named the hour of delivery If she Tho husband rushed out Into the street to find a boy with a turkey and murder him, but thc host he could do was to find a boy with a leg of mutton under his arm and scare him out of a year's growth be-causo be-causo It hadn't wings and feet on. It was going on 12 when he rang the butcher up again. "Yes, this is Jones. Turkey? What turkey? Hartley, you say? Oh. yes. Why. your turkey ought to bo ulmost ready for tho tablo by now. Just hold the lln for a minute. All. Mr. Hartley, very sorry, you know, but an old fellow named Blnks carried vour turkey away by mistake for . a piece of salt pork, and wo now havo fc , lH three men out on his trail. He will be run t lu IH down without doubt and maJo to disgorge, L ' ti and meanwhile, if tho salt pork will do ' 1! you any coo " f i nl "I knew it would be ao!" walled the ( IH wife as the husband sijoaked into the f i!?"80 wh,, lh'J be!" were ringing noon. 1 Our guests will begin to arrive within . ' ten minutes, and what can I say to them? f, Ifyou had only left It to mo!" ! Thoro was but or;o thing Mr. Hartlov i oould do kill tho batcher. He turned oh V '1 his heel and left the house with that re- a I solvo ln his heart. It took him twentv minutes to reach tho shop, and on tho way down he adopted und rejected twen-ty twen-ty dlfforent plans for putting tho liar to death. Ho finally settled on that of cram- i mlng a turkey, If thero was ono left, down his throat and holding it thero. But It , was not to be. Ho reached the shop to . find it shut up and a sign reading: 1 Closed for the day. Open again tomor- Mr. Hartley rcturnod homo to find his r IH six miosis assembled In tho parlor, and fj nlJ wife blushing ond 3tammoring and tearfully trying to explain tiilngB. The ! lH turkoy dinner was turkoyleas. and It had all como about from the husband Intor- ferine; with tho -wife's constitutional prlv- jH lieges. Tne husband stopped out Into the hall for a moment to jrot his nervo un tr i ! face his f:ietidH and accuser, and Just tbc-n a colored man with a covored baskot f In hand camo upstairs and said: "If your name was Brown, don here's your turkey dat wo dun cooked at do rc-stuurant for you." . i Mr. Hartley took thn turkey ln. Ho . also took tho darky in. When ho had placed tho stpaminc bird In tho center of !' the spread table he entered tho parlor with a paternal smile on his face and ' announced: "Now, ladies a.id centiemen, please don't let tho turkey get cold. Run out, dear, and givo tho few finishing touches, and we will follow In a moment." Il And whon they had pronounced the turkey par excellence, and the tituffinp eilvinc, and the dinner ono of the cosiest ! of tho season, the young wife raised her tearful eyes to her husband and ex- IH claimed: "But. oh, you bad, bad man! How could I know 'you were planning' such n j ll complete surprise and saving mo nil the ' worry of cooking!" ' Jj "Eh? Er! Well, you know." ho re- ) plied; and then thc guests raid he was HHJ a Jolly, clever follow, and drank to his HBl health. IBJ fCopyrlght. 1004. bv Homer Snrague.l J HAV |