OCR Text |
Show (ws EKimapw? X$ttZsL&w3w bv Rick Droatfh Changes in the White House? Washington (API)-A White House spokesman today denied that Vice-President George Bush has been asked to undergo a sex -change operation. Said assistant press secretary Jack D. Ripper, "The Reagan Administration fully stands behind Mr. Bush and would not dream of asking him to give up any of his precious bodily fluids." Meanwhile, Democratic presidential presi-dential nominee Walter Mondale has said that he is re-hiring party chairman Charles Manatt, but only on condition that he undergo a special operation to receive a Southern accent. Mondale wishes to appeal to the South, but now realizes that giving a Darty position to Bert Lance a remainder of the dreaded Carter Administration would be counter-productive. Manatt told reporters he doesn't want to have a Deep South voice, and would prefer something like Willie Nelson, from his "Red Headed Stranger" album. Judge Joseph Wapner of "The People's Court" is a candidate for president or, at least, that's the desire of a disc jockey in Tampa, Florida. The radio man is suggesting Wapner's running mate would be his bailiff, Rusty Burrell. Said the DJ, "We need someone who can make a decision during a two-minute two-minute commercial." Here are some other candidates we could draw from the media : Walter Cronkite has long been recognized as the most trustworthy man in the U.S. And he was suggested as a vice-presidential candidate with John Anderson four years ago. A good vice-president for Cronkite would be Andy Rooney, who would bring humor, understanding and curiosity to his duties. A problem might arise, however, if he looks around during a diplomatic trip and whines, "These people in India wear turbans a lot. Why is that?" Mr. Rogers would be an excellent Chief Executive. When he asks, "Won't you be my neighbor," no one can resist, from the most thuggish right-wing dictator to the aged brutes in the Kremlin. His running mate, Carl Sagan, will not only be able to put our silly global conflicts in a cosmic context, but also has a tranquil voice to lend to the discussion. i In other words, these two guys are walking Valiums, and are not likely to inflame Cold War tensions. If the American people are in a more aggressive mood, a perfect i president would be Howard Cosell, whose boorish, pedantic assaults on everyone in sight have made him a . legend. His vice-president, Clara ? Peller, would be a match for : Geraldine Ferraro, with her relentless cry of "Where's the beef." This pair will doubtless attract several assassination attempts, . which will garner sympathy for us as a nation and, who knows, may even finally remove these two pests from the American scene. ; Sometimes it's healthy to have an open national debate on the issues that affect us. This could be . accomplished if we had a president ' and vice-president who never agree with each other. President Gene Siskel could say, "I think Nicaragua should be allowed to develop in its ; own way." But vice-president Roger Ebert will reply, "I disagree. We should nuke them back to the Stone Age." i |