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Show 8J 'e; Cyclops Lighter Side By Bryan Grayi 'Special' sections: baloney! For a long time 1 thought there was nothing more sensational than the "National Enquirer" and other grocery store tabloids. You know the type of publication: The gossip sheets sold next to the cabbage and the Dentine with bold headlines blaring "Woman With Three Heads Has Baby with Two Fingers, Claims She Dated Jimmy Durante." But one of Davis County's favorites, the Ann Landers column, col-umn, has the "Enquirer" beat for sherr nonsense. It all started when a reader from Chicago wrote Ann to complain com-plain about having her appetite spoiled by the sight of a handicapped hand-icapped woman whose husband was feeding her in the restaurant. res-taurant. The lady claimed that she was unable to enjoy a pleasant meal--and Ann correctly responded that the complain-er complain-er was some sort of sub-species with little compassion and even less intelligence. Ann's response brought in more letters which were published in last week's syndicated column. Amazingly, the letters agreed that handicapped people should not dine in public, with one member of the sub-species writing that "my rights should be respected more than the handicapped because I am normal and the handicapped are not." The letters made my own stomach somewhat queasy--but I found one letter especially interesting. One woman suggested to Ann that restaurants should have a "special section for handicapped hand-icapped people, partially hidden by palms or other greenery so they are not seen by other guests." 1 suppose even idiots have a right to their opinion. And, therefore, I have a right to mine. We already have smoking and no-smoking sections and, if this woman gets her way, we'll have handicapped and non-handicapped sections. We shouldn't stop here. -I ask all restaurant owners to establish the following ' special sections inside their establishments! NON-EDUCATION SECTIONS: There is nothing more annoying to me than be seated next to an illiterate. It's very difficult to cut my breaded veal and engage in a philosophical discussion of Sartre--my typical mealtime chit-chat-when the couple seated at the next table are talking about J.R. Ewing and using the word "ain't." I suggest that people with less than two years of college education be seated somewhere near the kitchen kitch-en area, preferably close to the handicapped section, where they can destroy the King's English and talk about "Let's Make A Deal." NO BATHING SECTION -.- Personally, smokers don't bother me as much as those customers who have poor bathing habits.. Since we've already put the smokers behind the pillars and the handicapped and poorly educated near the kitchen, I suggest that customers who haven't bathed two hours before . . visiting the restaurant be seated in a special corridor filled with flowers and other nice-smelling floral displays. SPECIAL SECTION FOR THE UGLY -- If the handicapped make Ann's letter writers queasy, then it's obvious that the truly ugly be spirited away into their own special section. It is difficult to savor clam chowder when Barbra Streisand look-alikes are within your view only several feet away. In some cities I have visited, this section will be the majority of the restaurant. TEEN-AGE SECTION -- We now have the handicapped and poorly-educated near the kitchen, those with body odor near the flowers, the smokers behind the pillars and the truly ugly near the exit door. I suggest restaurant owners create a special seating sea-ting area for teenagers. It's very unappetizing to hear a bunch of woolly, kids talk about AC-DC. their health teacher, whose dating whom and whether the Darts beat the Lancers. Such inane conversations and the feeble attempts of teens to spread butter balls are annoying to many of us who frequent restaurants. res-taurants. Place the teens in a special area near the restroom. And these are just a few special sections for restauranteurs. If something annoys you, let the owner know. Soon the restaurant will look much like a jigsaw puzzle with customers dining among their "own kind." That should satisfy some of Ann Landers' reader . Nothing much satisfies them now--especialIy common sense. |