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Show jSMSk W2naM'ya li:i':i . by Hick If rough What if CBS libel suit was another Vietnam? Last week, General William Westmoreland abruptly abandoned his suit against CBS. The general has been attempting to disprove a CBS documentary which said he acted deceptively in issuing information on enemy troop estimates. The general won practically nothing from CBS in his suit, except a statement from CBS that they always thought Westmoreland was a sincere guy in other words, "Our program was right, but we never said he was a total ratbag." General Westmoreland said, "That's all I wanted." Newsman Mike Wallace suggested this is what Westmoreland should have done in Vietnam instead, of fighting a prolonged war, he should have declared victory and left. On the other hand, Westmoreland could have fought CBS the way we fought the war in Vietnam. Gee, what if history had been reversed... Feb. 21, 1985 General William Westmoreland confounds experts who said he would give up his CBS libel suit. He announces he is escalating his suit. The general, who has been working with a force of 14 legal advisers, says he is bringing an additional 25,000 attorneys into the conflict. Westmoreland is "drafting" thousands of lawyers and recent law school graduates, due to a special arrangement with the American Bar Association. Young lawyers are said to be terrified of being drawn into the conflict which sources now say could drag on for 10 to 15 years. Many are fleeing to Mexico. Some are burning their briefcases in public demonstrations, and other are dodging the conflict by joining the Marine Corps. March 1, 1985 General Westmoreland acknowledged today he is "bombing" CBS by jamming their signals. CBS programs are being received only intermittently on TV sets across the country. Westmoreland said he regrets this course of action, since he himself is a big fan of such shows as "Dallas" and "Alice." "But we had to destroy their ratings in order to save them," he said. March 10, 1985 The Westmoreland-CBS war is taking its toll, as legal troops scour the countryside to interrogate every person who was ever interviewed for a CBS news broadcast. These are called "search and subpoena" missions. Sgt. Barry Sadler hits the Top 40 with a patriotic record called "The Green Attaches." However, the network is fighting back. Hundreds of lawyers have been the victim of "ambush interviews" by Mike Wallace and a three-man camera crew. Wallace peppers them with high-velocity questions like, "C'mon, you know what you're doing here?" "Have you ever really studied the facts in this case?" or "Don't you feel like a pathetic pawn being manipulated for a meaningless cause?" --Combat footage on the ABC-NBC evening news shows emotionally-maimed attorneys huddled on the ground, while their comrades yell "Analyst! Analyst!" Meanwhile, the network attacks in other ways. Legal G.I. are being attacked by the two Dobermans from "Magnum P.I. " Other bodies have been flattened by tire tracks, identified as belonging to the General Lee, driven by the Dukes of Hazzard. March 16, 1985 Special paralegal terrorist squads are kidnapping CBS personalities. Their orders are to "pre-empt with extreme prejudice." So far the victims include Larry Hagman, Captain Kangaroo and the entire cast of "The Jeffersons." Another victim is "60 Minutes" curmudgeon Andy Rooney, who is imprisoned in a small bamboo cage. Rooney says, "Gee I don't know about you. But I'm starving, I'm thirsty, I can't stand up or stretch out in here, and I'm sitting in my doo-doo. Why is that?" March 27, 1985 Westmoreland announced his troops are invading the offices of the ABC program "2020." The general claims that CBS is hiding important evidence I I in sanctuaries on the ABC network. "2020 reported ace Geraldo Rivera has been deposed and replaced by Tony Orlando. Other TV shows, fearing the conflict will spread, have fled their time slots and are seeking refuge at neutral network PBS. Westmoreland said he is winning his fight against CBS, and expects a jury will eventually award him a huge financial settlement. "I can see the loot at the end of the tunnel," he says. . April 16, 1985 On a happier note, an NBC documentary celebrates the 17th anniversary of the end of the Vietnam War, when the U.S. dropped its involvement in the war and reached an out-of-combat settlement. As you recall, North Vietnamese forces gave practically nothing to the other side but President Ho Chi Minh commended, "We never said they were total ratbags. The Americans were sincere. Our opponents in South Vietnam are patriotic citizens. And we know exactly what to do with them". General Westmoreland, leading his troops out of the country, said, "We got what we wanted." In the states, April 16, 1968 was declared VICWSS Day (Victory in Indochina Cause We Say So.) The anniversary show interviews veterans of the war, such as the casualties of the infamous Khe Sanh Kegger a peace party that led to the worst hangovers in U.S. military history. They talk to average G.Ls like William Calley, who served briefly in the war. Calley, now a Boy Scout leader and respected city councilman in his home town, says, "Gee, maybe we shoulda hung in there. Who knows what we coulda done?" Reagan's new Secretary of Education, William H. Bennett, has already stirred controversy with his comments: to wit, that college education isn't all that great, and college students who didn't get government loans would just have to do without their stereos and beach vacations. He might also get some demerits from English teachers for his expression of loyalty to reason. He said, "The notion . . . that I have to swallow the philosophies of the administrations under duress is simply counterfactual. Coming from a Secretary of Education, that sounds counter-grammatical. But never mind. Speaking of things counterfactual, someone recently tried to suppress a story in the Jackson Hole News. An issue disclosed that three residents were arrested in Utah for possession of marijuana. The night before it hit the stands, several callers asked the News not to print the names of the suspects involved. But the publisher refused. So the next morning: Two thousand copies of the News go out on the street in Jackson. Within three hours, they were all bought up. A person or persons unknown spent $500 to grab the papers. .But if they were trying to hush up the drug story, their attempt turned into the Backfire of the Year. Not only did some 5,000 copies go outside Jackson, but the unusual sell-out was the subject of a story in USA Today. Yep. USA printed the names of the three drug suspects. SILLIEST QUESTION TO DEAR ABBEY: A man writes that his best friend, "Denny" was about to be married. So he threw a stag party for Denny, including entertainment from an exotic dancer named "Salome." Unfortunately, after her seventh veil came off Salome ended up in bed with Denny. And the offended bride-to-be called the wedding off. He concludes: "Now Denny is making plans to marry Salome. My question: Should I give Denny another stag party?" I vote for no. It would probably be counter-marital. |