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Show A TIP TO HOME BREWERS. When you think your homo-made liquor is ready for human consumption, consump-tion, pour a littlo in the sink. If tho porcollan cracks and peels, your brow has reached the proper stage. STARTED OFF RIGHT. A stranger was seated on tho railing on the north side Of tho Roed Hotel j'estorday aftornoon. A reporter was passing that way when tho strangor remarked, "Say, young man, Ogden is enrn anmn 1-itn. rltv Tt'a n u'ftml Arfnl big city." '"You are quito right in your judgment" judg-ment" replied the newspaperman." "Ogdon is a fine city." "Yes, continued tho strangor, "Ogden "Og-den is a wonderful big city, much bigger than ' I thought it was. This Is my first visit here and 'I am sure surprised." sur-prised." "Whero do you hail from, inquired tho reporter? "From Salt Lake," replied tho strangor, and added, "Ogden is a wonderful won-derful big city and it keops getting bigger all tho time. I havo been walking walk-ing up and down Washington avenue and havo Been some big stores, crowds of peoplo, lots of automobiles and street cars." "What kind of a place did you imagine im-agine Ogdon was?" onqulred tho reporter. re-porter. "Well," replied the strangor," I thought It was Just a little bit of a place. But now I find it's a big city, and it keops growing, too. I have mado up my mind to sell my home in Salt Lake and buy a place in Ogden." 'Couldn't do anything better," ro-plied ro-plied the scribe asJio left his new found friend," wo welcome all now comers to our beautiful city." SMILE AWHILE. I lead the orchestra and shout to greet tho Ides of spring, but I could' get along without this hero house-cleaning house-cleaning thing. Where erst I sat with comfort in my leathern easy chair, the room resounds with horrid din, the dust-hounds arc in there. They start before I'm even up, they hido my manly duds; I sneak to get a coffeo-cup coffeo-cup and scald my foot in suds. I stumble over rocking-chairs and landed land-ed on my jaw. Outsido n birdllng's vernal plaint my pearly ear enchants; I lean to look a quart of paint un-nolnts un-nolnts my Sunday pants. I flutter hur-rldely hur-rldely and hope that I may bo or use, 1 slip upon a cake of soap and jar my 1 whiskers loose. I see the boss, a fish-" facod hick, and say, "This makes mo 111." Says he, "You only think you're, alck wait till you get tho bill." Leo' Hengaton. HATS OFF. ! Two young matrons of Ogden went shopping the other day. They took their babies with them. Entering Last & 'Thomas' they left the babies in their carriages in the commodious entrance en-trance way of the store. The two ladles had . spent considerable time making bonnets for the babies anai theso bonnets were both a work of art.' On their exit from the stox'e they I were horrified to see tho two young-! stera sitting up in their respective buggies, with their hair standing on end and with not a sign of the beautl- ful now headgear Someone had stolen stol-en the attractive hoods from tho babies' ba-bies' heads! Talk about robbing tne cradle, this Is the best one yet. j OH, MYRTLE. About the neatest conglomeration of wearing apparel that hus been noticed no-ticed this spring was observed on Washington avenue tho other evening. A sprightly young man was seen walking walk-ing along the street dolled up in a white palm beach suit, black socks, white shoes, a fur cap and a heavy overcoat! Whon asked what was tho Idea ho stated that it was an emergency dress. Ho was moving his place of realdonce and that was the only way ho had to carry his clothes. Incidentally, ho had a suitcase, and he Bald he had his other collar and a uccktio in that. MYSTERY DOG GOXIT. 'Twaa the mystic hour! Sh-h-h-h-h; Caroline had been sloeplng soundly and peacefully; sleeping only as a1 beautiful young maiden can at thatj Jiour when she has retired but a few moments before, after having spent a blissful evoning with her beloved on tho moon shaded veranda. Now she was sitting up in bed, terror causing cold and serpontlne chills to course thomselves upward and down the creamy whitcnes3 of her back. She nau been awakened by an unearthly screech I or scream, or agonizing piercing cry, which seemed to come from nowhere. Little drops of dew came' out upon her forehead and elaowhere, causing tne atmosphere which came in contact with hor body to become moistened. She sat thoro for a considerable time, then quietly dropped back to her place in tho bed. She had remembered remem-bered that sho had eaten lobster ai a Ncwburg that evening that accounted account-ed for tho scream. OX AGAIX; OFF AG ACS. The lesson In expr6sslon had nearly been completed. Both teacher and pupil pu-pil wore getting tired. Ocrtrudo persisted per-sisted in changing words and sontonccs! to suit herself. Her teacher had corrected cor-rected her time and time again and finally given up, and was sitting patiently pa-tiently for the hour to end. Finding that her teacher was not correcting her any more, Gertrude thought ::ia: sho was progressing better, so she put more enthusiasm into her work. She was reading, Sir Walter Scott's "Loc-invar," "Loc-invar," When she reached this line, i "She is won! Wo aro Gone! over bank buah and scar," sho cried exultantly, "Wo arc off! Wo are off; " "Yes you're off," Interrupted hr teacher disgustedly. GEE WHIZ. The telophono line was a two party line and whon over the pliono rang in tho knitting factory, It also rang in the office of another business manager, next door. The receivers . of both phones were taken down and tho usual, us-ual, "Hello," was yelled Into the phone. After several minutes of confusion, con-fusion, one was indignantly told to "get off tho line." It Was almost the close, of a long hot day, whon both phones rang,, tho call coming for the business manager. A young lady in I tho knitting factory, took down the receiver and called the usual "Hello",! only to receive the rejoinder, "Get off tho line." Uncertain what to do, the young lady again said "hollo", and was told mora indignantly to--"gct off tho lino." Her third .1'hellti.",,brought. tho rejoinder, "Go to'h ." Becoming I instantly confused at such a command, !the young lady replied, "I will, but 1 don't mention it." YELPS PROTEST. Amid tho clamour of indignant purchasers pur-chasers of flowers, ranting against excessive prices, a local florist, after a day during which his efforts would put to shamo the actions of a one armed paper hanger with the hives, was heard to utter a humble protest. 'He said, "A woman ordered a mixed bouquet and I Included a spray of Statlce (a variety of straw flowers, exceedingly ex-ceedingly dry and brittle). Darned if sho didn't return the bouquet be-causo be-causo somo of the flowers were dried 1 out and by the time sho returned tho order, every flower in the bunch K was nearly brittle. I m GUESS WHAT HE'S DOING? . I We saw a man taking .'home an in- ':' M 'genuous apparatus for putting caps . on bottles today. Ho said that .his wife intended putting up catsup 'in V1 the near future and that tho capper tr Mt would probably como in handy. Far J R be it from us to express a single doubt, P but tomatoes cost two bits per pound u at present. '4 K Wonder whero he keeps the key .to " V t f his cellar? ' |