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Show 2W The Salt Lake Tribune Sunday, Jaly 15, 1984 How to raise kids to stand on their own 2 feet ; Cm tinned From Page W-- l nd decide whether or not to go to college; but when you graduate from high school it will be up to you to earn we will no longer your own living support you. You will have to set up your own home or apartment, and find a good enough job to pay the rent and buy your own food. -- ! Love You More We love you more than anything else in the world, and we always will. There isnt anybody in the world we could ever love more you are our children, you are a part of us. You nave given us so much love and satisfaction and pleasure that we couldnt bear to give that up. But the point is, if we do our job right in the next five years and you do your job of growing up, youll be eager to get out on your .own when youre 18. You may be ore right than we are about how you should live your life, but youll never have full control over everything until you move out of this house. CWe have a lot to get done before hat time, so right now here are four on which we are going to stop gating you like a child, if you feel can handle the responsibility. '1. Were going to stop bugging you bout your room. Most of your life jpure going to be living with some-Snfif you go on living in a sty youre oing to start thinking of yourself as a pig, and worst of all you may start filling that way about yourself. So from now on were going to close the door and its your problem. Pf. Were going to stop worrying tfout your personal grooming. One Mbit doesnt have to do that for r. Every person derives a large measure of his sense of worth from the work he does. School, of course, is a childs work, but school often doesnt seem real to a child its work something kids do. Grown-up- s for money and so the real world starts, in some respects, when someone in the outside world is willing to put spendable cash into their hand in return for a job well done. r The value of the work experience to a young person is so obvious that parents ought not only to encourage the idea but to insist on it Allowances should be minimal, . and parents should take whatever steps necessary to open doors to the widest possible variety in work experience. This is not simply for money, but to expose the teen to the real-lif-e demands of other adults. A disaffected teen, almost by definition, is a kid with an inadequate work experience. He hasnt met enough strange adults who as matter of course require him to think and act in a responsible way, and he doesnt know that he can. What is the real obligation of parents? It is to create a sense of inner worth in the child, a sure knowledge that the outside is not so complicated or frightening that he cant cope. Like master masons, parents must construct layer after layer of ego strength, teaching a child that he can think and act and take, while at the same time perceiving and feeling the needs of others and giving back. Loving and being loved. Does all this require some kind of genius on the part of the parents? Certainly not. There are too many variables not subject to our control. We are only required to produce at 18. a reasonatly competent adult Every human must ultimately resolve his own troubles in life; we are only responsible for giving our children some basic equipment to do it It is the natural condition of parents to feel fustrated most of the time about their children. But lets not lose our nerve, lets just keep plugging away at what we know to be right. Our kids dont have to be perfect at 18 we just have to have some strong evidence theyre going to survive and grow into decent human beings. MONDAY: They Need More Love Than We Think Jim Sanderson is author of the book, How to Raise Kids to Stand on Their Own Two Feet He worked tor The Salt Lake Tribune and NBC. He is married and the father of three. His social commentary appears in Readers Digest as well as other U.S. and foreign publications. iras e; an-me- PJ. We are no longer going to tell time to go to bed. At this how many hours of gwhat know need to function well the ext day, and its up to you to get fhbse hours. p4. We are going to stop worrying Sbput whether you eat your carrots spinach or whatever. A child has to W fed, but an adult takes care of her pwn diet. pDoes the child accept all this new freedom? Yes, he or she is flattered pud pleased. Does he act responsibly, result? No, of course not Not right away, anyway. What does hap-is a change in perception. The Mild senses that some process has Jfrpn put in motion; he dimly begins to )e a path leading somehere up over frlteep hill into the mist of maturity. pSome unexpected concessions have wen made, for which he is grateful; at the same time some new kinds have been placed, and iMse make him a little uneasy. He no ftoger has the exquisite luxury of of wait-a-g jfrfect passive resistance until a course of action is fc every detail of his life and J hen vetoing it if it seems inconve- - Jim Sanders is married and the father of three children. He has written seven books and writes for leading publications. nient He now has to think about his needs occasionally, and make some proposals to himself. At age 13 a child has to begin to see that he isnt at the center of the universe anymore, and not all of his needs are going to be tended automatically. How many kids do you know in their late teens or even their early 20s who still havent gotten this message? The Family Conference on a teens 13th birthday also has to resolve, once and for all, just what chores hes and how hes going to going to do do them. U One reason so many kids feel alienated from their families is that they are never required to become members. The family is the first and most important group that a child belongs to; he must have the experience of contributing to the work of the group. It is the most elementary lesson in learning that you never get something for nothing, in learning to do something for others, in learning to work together, in learning to perceive the problems of others. Own Spending Money The budding teen also needs to earn his or her own spending money. It's easy! You don't Kavo to lift a finger exc.pt to dial the phone. You make the arrangements with us and we do all the housecleaning! Light cleaning or a fuM spring cleaning. 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