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Show I - A 1 7 JT XT DETAILED BY HIMSELF! Adventures ot a JNew Congressman .tz t H Washington, D. C. Feb. 5, 1910. H Hoar IVU: Well, I've ventured into mm fii'iiMv. anil I've come out a little bit Wm M'iCCf!, but Pin still-in the rhie. T've JH heard so much about Washington so- I'-iory. and read so much about, it in the 1 uinV papers, thai I naturally felt .jusl :i lililr bij anxious. I nnisf. contoss oat ai first, I did feel :'. litMe bit like ; '-ai in a Mrangc carrot, but now llin,t ;rv!in"s passed away, and I am ready ! plunge into the 'anic with the best Bul before I tell you about my experiences. expe-riences. J M likcyoifto refute a sjfinder nv inc. You've' hoard it often in our imvn thai the people of the District " Columbia .wouldn't admit congress-iiimi congress-iiimi (o their homes, which was only another way of saying that the' were not admitted within the precincts of polite society. Well, it isnfl true. They've adniitted me. nnd f think "I win 'a, fair specimen of ihc average C To be perfectly candid with vou, congressmen are considered just as good as other people down here as long as I hey behave themselves. My first plunge into f lie vortex of Washington 's '1000 waS'at, the president presi-dent 's New Year's reception. J was very particular about 1113' make-up, -I'ld wanted to look as prim as the best of 'em, but: it was all wasted. Say, Bill, il was a howling mob. Tho line extended fiom the liasi; room, where 1 lie president atood nnd shook the hands of all comers, and spread out in the White House grounds, ami then around Fourteenth street, utitil it, was lost, in l lie dim and hnxy distance. The worst of it. so far as T was concerned, was !ho observance of what, the books on eliqnettc call the "order of precedence." preced-ence." As n conscouencc of this, embassadors, em-bassadors, members of the supremo court, members of, the cabinet, nssis-lant nssis-lant members of the cabinet, officers of tho District of Columbia, friends or members of the cabinet, rfnd tiunlly down near the ond of the line members of congress and the common people. Now, Bill. T don't object lo being pushed into tho background, bul it all depends upon vhose's doing the pushing. push-ing. For instance, I have to play second sec-ond fiddle to a hcathon with a peacock feather ami a flowing robe who conieu from China. Likewise, T hato to tnko Ihe slush from the automobiles of the pagans from Japan. Korea and othor places that we used to search for on flic map with the nid of a microscope down at the district school. ITowcver. 1 grinned and took my medicine, but I was saving up something just the :imc. Vou know I've met the president presi-dent since, I came to Washington, and I lnndo up my mind that when X reached him in the line J would take him to one side and tell him a cracker-iack cracker-iack of 11 story that I. heard the oilier lay. Well, when I reached tho president presi-dent I started in lo give him a heartv grab of tho lmnd, but he got ahead of me. lie grabbed my hand firat, and then h't no of it as" if it were a hot potato, lie fore T could speak so n 1 e "And left mc standing there alone." ' officious usher iiad mc lo the arm and was pushing me down the line, and as J sped along this executive speedway J could hear ihe buzzing voices of ushers, ush-ers, policemen and military attaches crying. "Faster, please, faster!" Ft. was the swift est thing that T ever struck in all my life. It; might, be called the "social shoot the shutcs." But, it was only a day or so afterward ihat T got even with the indignities that were piled upon mc on the, first of the new year. It happened at a sort of minor reception given in the state department. de-partment. T sat down on a high silk hat belonging to the tenth or eleventh assistant, secretary of state. It was an accident, Hill." 1 -could swear to that before any justice of tho peace in the county, but if, made me feel as-good as-good as if I had been presented with a case of champagne. I heard a story that day Ihat struck me as being pretty good". Vou know we have some real haughty people down lipre people whose blood runs in a direct current: way back to William the Conqueror. They're mighty proud of it and speak about it on the slightest provocation, 71 seems that one of these William the Connueror men called on a certain millionaire at his office in the Cochran building and touched him for a small stun. J think he wanted a ten-spot. ten-spot. However, the blooded plutocrat turned him down flat and intimated that eiood, hard work was a. healthy exercise that was sometimes known to stir up even the blue blood. The aristocrat aris-tocrat was furious. He turned on the millionaire. "Say." lie shrieked, "you needn't 1 feel so puffed mi. J knew 3-011 when vou hnd to peddle shoe strings for a living." Did thai phase the man of money? Xot a jugful. .ITe turned calmly and remarked with a peaceful smilo: "That's true, and if T didn't have any more brains than you have I would be peddling shoe strings still." ' They tell another story about the same "pluto." He gave a reception not. long ago which was attonded by all of the "best people." Jfe sat in a big arm chair, suffering from an attack at-tack of gout, and received all the high-toned high-toned folks with the air of a king accepting ac-cepting homage of his courtiers. One fellow, whoso family tree goes so far down into the earth Thai, the roots must surely stick- into China, came up to him and said: "My dear sir, I am sorry to know that you have the gout. J suffer from the gout myself, but T think 1 must have inherited it from mv ancestors." "Same here," said the millionaire, with irony, "my grandfather, who had to go barefooted because he didn't havo tho money to buy shoes, stubbed his big foe ouee and we've had gout in our family ever since." Last: week Amos Smith, a bachelor member of the house from the far west, gave a reception and invited me. Now, you know I really don't ear for these things, and I fe"lt like declining, but Colouel Bob Smith (you know him my guide friend and counselor) said Pd have to go; that 1 might as well bo dead as out of fashion. I said I" had no dress suit; that F had attended the New Year's reception at the "White House because it didn't call for .'1113- fauey clothes, but he solved that problem in two short words: "Hire one." Well, that's how it ended. T hired a dress suit and went to the reception. II. was a groat success that is, the reception was. F don't, think I was a success at all. The rooms were crowded and presently 1 found myself surrounded surround-ed by thrco very attractive middle-aged ladies. Thev wore certainly sweet beings, be-ings, and J melted. 1 was very gracious gra-cious and managed to make them believe be-lieve Ihat I was a great, statesman. That interested them very much and one of them said: "You are a man of power. T hope you will get some legislation through congress that, will stop gambling in this counl ry," 1 assured hor that such n suggestion met with my heartiest sympathy. J said that I detested games of chance in an.y ''form, and that: if my feeble efforts could causo reform this direction direc-tion that she could count on my support. sup-port. It, was quite warm in the room. aiid I reached in tho back pocket, of my dress suit for a handkerchief. I found it all right, but 1, found something else, loo. As f pulled thc'liandkcrchicf out, three bright playing cards fluttered in the air and fell upon the floor, face upward. They were three aces the ace of hearts, flic aco of diamomU and the ace of clubs. The ladies gave one angry look at, the cards, and left mc standing there alone. Say. Bill. I have been teased about that accident ever since, and Hie worsl of it is I can't defend mvself. T can't tell everybody that I hired the drpa? suit. That would cheapen me in the eyes of the members, and F can 'I say I lie suit belonged to me, because if I did that they would think I was n card shark who has secreted tlic.e aces in my coat-tail pocket for some dishonest dishon-est purpose. So there J linger between doubt and despair. . That about sieu up my social experiences experi-ences so t'Hr. but the morcM sco of society so-ciety as society, the less 1 think of mv fellow creatures. They say a spider is proud when it, has got, a fly. but that is nothing to the joy th:h fills the heart of a hostess down here when she manages to inveigle some foreign duke or count into one of her 5 o'clock teas. And then the men sometimes make you feel cynical. I was at one of those affairs where the food and wine nnd cigars are served lavishly, and where everybody pitches in and eals and drinks and smokes until he is sick just because the lnyouL is free. A mem bor of the house, from one of the east-orn east-orn states, was there. If ho has a cent to his name, he has a million in fact, lie is one of the richest men in the house. He was storming up and down the dining room. "What's the matter?" F asked. "J want, a cigar," he said. ""Where's Ihe man with that box of cigars J Jlo hasn't been 'round this part of the room for ten or iifieen minuios. Jf ho don 'r. come soon I'll smoke one of my own cigars." So that's how it goes. "When a man comes to Washington, it's one darn reception after another. Some members mem-bers tako them all in. They say il gives them exercise, by keeping them on tho go from one house to another, but excuse me from that kind of excr-1 eise. As tho great American weakness , is free feeds and free wine it naturally follows that the great; American ailment ail-ment is dyspepsia and iudigesf ion. When a man gets past fifty lie has to be n little careful about tho way in which ho exerts himself. You remember remem-ber when consulted the doctor down nt the far end of the County, 1 asked him to recommend some good exercise, and he looked mc over and said in that dry way of his: "Pla3" a game of checkers night and morning. ' ' YrOUR UNCLE BILL. P. S. Say, Bill, see Jim Jertnon as soon as you rcccivo this letter and get him to put a paragraph in the society column of the Banner, saj'ing that the president had invited me 1o a chicken brenlcfnst at the White House. The! president won't deny it, Atfj mc a wholo lot of good tMk fish aristocracy of tho diKi, |
