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Show NAG, NAG, NAG, Why Parents Get Tuned Out By ELAINE SMYTH Copley News Service Parents, particularly mothers, who don't understand why their children time them out should start listening to i themselves, says psychologist-author Dr. Hendrie Weisinger. "The harsh truth is that most parents Incessantly criticize their children in destructive and ineffective ways," says Weisinger. "Worse yet, the criticism becomes so habitual that many parents are virtually unaware of what they are doing and saying," be adds. kn if ypu query most adults ypu will . , find their childhood memories will be heavily peppered with the nagging voice of a mother forever dissatisfied with her offspring, he adds. Children learn early on to tune out criticism "because of the way that it is given. It almost always is focused on He negatives - what the child is doing wrong or what that child should be tag," Weisinger said during an interview. inter-view. Weisinger is author of "Nobody's Perfect - How to Give Criticism and Get Results," which was written with Norman M. Lobsenz. The recently pub-,' pub-,' listed book shows how criticism instead in-stead of being used and perceived as a iWgehammer can be a positive tool lor growth and can help enrich rela-I rela-I tionshlps. In addition to positive criti- cism of children, the book deals with 1 U art of senal criticism and effective criticism in the workplace. The author is a licensed psychologist to also conducts criticism seminars ; fr Fortune 500 companies, hospital ' toffs and mental health professionals. "ith children and criticism, Weis-'"?er Weis-'"?er says, "parents too frequently wtgive an explanation. It's, 'Sit up straight,' or, 'Don't slouch.' It's much re effective to tell the child why sit-or sit-or standing straight is import- ! And for the parent who overwhelms to r her child daily with barbed ques-, ques-, ons' author says you are "forcing to justify his behavior." Asking 'why' calls for excuses and eensive explanations. Asking 'can' 'ws the search for solutions. "Using questions as bait rather than helps to preserve a youngster's "wage, encourages him or her to responsibility for positive action cultivates practice in problem BH" says Weisinger. tead of nagging a child to brush "o Mem, parents should attack the un-problem un-problem of helping the child y 'Personal hygiene. And this has Mrball effect Once a child learns Pnde in his personal hygiene, he will learn to take pride in other areas of his life including his room, his manners man-ners and his school work," Weisinger adds. "Instead of saying, 'Don't forget to clean the sink,' show appreciation for cleaning the sink in advance of the deed itself. This will motivate the teenager teen-ager to clean the sink so that the appreciation appre-ciation is justified." He adds that most of today's overly critical mothers if prodded will themselves remember with much bitterness bit-terness their own childhood in which mom was a daily nagger. 'Children never forget such criticism," criti-cism," he adds. "Experiments have proven that every experience is permanently perma-nently filed for recall in the brain's memory bank. Unfortunately, research also indicates that most memory banks are crammed with a collection of parental statements seemingly made with the single aim of belittling or rejecting re-jecting children." These parents generally fall into two categories, he says. Some parents constantly con-stantly criticize because they feel the child's behavior is a poor reflection of them and other parents believe the criticism "is for the child's own good." Weisinger says such criticism not only has a negative effect on self-esteem, but it also inhibits the child from trying some new behaviors, as well as promoting such counterproductive reactions re-actions as anxiety or anger. "And parents are also teaching a communications process that is harmful harm-ful they are teaching that child how to give criticism destructively. "A child who is consistently and destructively de-structively criticized grows up with a sense of bafflement, of vague sorrow, of experiencing his or her world as one of repeated failure." Parents aren't the only culprits. That teacher who constantly puts down Johnny or Sally in math is not only turning the child off to math but also to other classes and, eventually, school itself, Weisinger says. And it will take an exceptional teacher in another classroom to reverse re-verse the child's attitude of Tin such a dummy. I can't do anything right" Weisinger emphasizes that productive produc-tive criticism is a fact of life. "Intrinsically "Intrinsi-cally we have a need to criticize ourselves. our-selves. Every morning when we wake up we say, 'Well, how am I doing?' "And productive criticism, whether by a parent or a teacher, becomes a way in which we are told how we are doing." The author recommends the following follow-ing guidelines for criticizing children: - Use words the child can understand. under-stand. In dealing with a 5-year-old, for example, don't say "organize your room" because the child won't know what "organize" means. Be sure your criticism is age-appropriate. Don't criticize a youngster for doing or not doing something beyond be-yond his age capability. Be brief and avoid lectures and preaching. Protect the child's self-image. For example, don't say, "Well, you've done it again, dummy," or, "Johnny can do it, why can't you?" Be honest. Don't use threats such as, "If you don't clean up your room you won't get your allowance." Be involved by following through with the criticism and praise him or her by responding to it in a positive way. "These are the general guidelines for criticizing children. The art of criticizing criticiz-ing children becomes communicating these principles in a creative and productive pro-ductive manner," he adds. "One technique is using outside sources. Instead of criticizing your teen-ager directly for his unsafe driving driv-ing habits, pick up an automotive magazine mag-azine as a gift to him that stresses the importance of safe driving. The result? Your teen-ager will feel he learned something on his own; his self-esteem will increase, and he will become a better bet-ter driver without you nagging." Weisinger says another productive technique is called "strategic model- ' ing." Instead of hassling a young child over poor table manners suggest the child watch mom and dad eat. This is assuming the parents practice what they preach. Once the child copies you, praise him to reinforce those nice manners. man-ners. "As for the daily, nagging criticisms that parents dish out, focus on change rather than complaining. "Instead of saying, 'Stand up straight' Tell your child, Tfou really look nice when you're standing up.' "Instead of telling your child, 'Clean up that room or else.' Involve yourself by saying, T bet we can hang up all your clothes and straighten your room in 30 minutes.' You are not only cooperating cooper-ating with your child but your child is learning a good habit and having fun at the same time. "And instead of saying, 'Get off that phone,' discuss with your teen-ager the time period when he or she can use it without you nagging. By working it out with your child he will feel this is a fair decision because he has been involved in the decision-making." Weisinger adds that criticizing a child is part of being a parent "so why not learn how to do it productively?" |