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Show O: TTeim (D9CTBlk I : WDnfisitle j by David Fleisher Sunday afternoon in the Park Ntwt Item: A blue van was reported stucfe In snow In a Park Avenue condominium con-dominium driveway over the weekend. Ice under both rear tires was seen as the primary cause for the van's inability to free itself. A man was observed ob-served standing near the van, carrying on like a raving lunatic, waving his hands In various directions and muttering mut-tering obscenities to himself and to the vehicle in question. The owner of the vehicle, a Park City resident, was out of town at the time of the incident. The lunatic present at the Incident was reportedly a friend of the owner. The following are actual notes taken from this reporter's personal journal regarding the above news item : December 4, 1983, 12:30 p.m. The van is stuck in my driveway, and I can't get it out. The rear tires are spinning spin-ning wildly on a bed of ice. I tried going forward and it didn't work. I tried going backward and it didn't work. I tried going straight up and it didn't work. Maybe I should try going sideways. The van was recently equipped equip-ped with brand new snow tires. I can't understand why I'm having so much trouble. I'm going outside now and try again. " 12:50 p.m. The van teltUl stuck. The ice appears to be growing along the side of the van. I think I made a mistake by pushing the accelerator down to the floorboard. I noticed several children staring at me in a strange way. I turned on the radio to get an updated weather report it's going to snow for the rest of the day. It's fairly cold and the wind is blowing hard. I think I'll take a short break, and then try again. 1:15 p.m. I'm going outside now to get that van off the ice. I feel confident, even relaxed. The van is sitting there in my driveway, waiting for me to release it from bondage. In fact, I have never felt so confident in my life. In a matter of minutes, the van will be free. May God be with me. . 1:45 p.m. I don't think God loves me anymore. The van is still in my driveway, stuck in the same place. I tried chopping the snow out from under un-der the tires, but it didn't help very , much. I think I may have reinjured my back; I felt a sharp pain near my neck while I was using the shovel. I am beginning to develop bad feelings towards this van. Of course, it's not the van's fault. I'm sure it would much rather be in a warm garage. I just thought of a great idea! I'll put twigs under the tires, which will give me more traction. Why didn't I think of that before? I'm going outside now. 2:30 p.m. Didn't work. Dumb twigs. I put twigs under all four tires and they did nothing but break. I am definitely experiencing a certain amount of hostility towards this van. I even told the van off before coming inside. in-side. I also kicked it. If I don't get it out of my driveway soon, I'm going to throw a bomb on it. The children are still staring at me in a strange way. But I can't worry about what other people thfnk right now. I have to deal with getting the van off the ice. I'm going to call someone for help. I need a push. The muscles in my neck are getting get-ting tighter and tighter. My hands, ears and nose are freezing. My feet are cold, and my hair is beginning to stand up. I think even my eyes are cold. I didn't know eyes could get cold. I wonder won-der if I'm delirious. Am I hallucinating? Maybe there is no van in my driveway. Maybe it's only a motorcycle. But it can't be because I just put twigs under four tires, and motorcycles have only two tires. I have to relax and not allow this problem to get the best of me. Maybe I should take aspirin, then a brief nap. But how could I possibly get any sleep, knowing that dumb thing is still in my driveway? What is that thing? 3:30 p.m. I can't believe it, but this thing is still living in my driveway. Tony came over and the two of us couldn't free the van. We chopped snow, we pushed the van, we pulled the van, we rocked the van nothing worked. Tony left after having a brief, encounter with his heart; he almost had a cardiac arrest. Before coming inside, I stared at the van a few moments and said, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." Am I losing a grip on myself? I've decided there is no van in my driveway. It's a train. The thing is growing. I'm going outside. . .to battle again. 4:15 p.m. I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, and I think now's the time to do it. I understand the weather is quite nice there this time of the year. The thought came to me while I was sitting in the thing, praying. The fact of the matter is, I heard the thing say something to me just as I closed the door on the driver's side. It said: "Get thee to Miami Beach." Since I'm under 85 years old, I would feel out of place in Miami Beach where the average age is 93. I'll go see my travel agent and make plans for Hawaii. I'm starting to feel better already. The thought of lying on a beach, reading a novel and sipping pina coladas! That thing can sit in my driveway till hell freezes over! December 5, 1983-Back to reality. It stopped snowing and today is clear and sunny. I just checked to see if the van was still in the driveway. It is. Yesterday Yester-day was strange: I was picking up twigs and placing them under the van's tires at one point, then suddenly I was running along a beach in Hawaii. At any rate, I have to go to the post office of-fice this morning, so I need to free the van. 11:30 a.m.-Finally! My friend Rocky came over, and with the help of another guy, we got the van out. During my drive to the post office, I said to myself, "It's only December. The winter has just begun." And the van said, "That's right." As I walk up Main Street I hear the Ten O'clock Whistle. |