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Show Jlllllk WfoawMPyai by Kick Brough J Soviets play musical chairs I There are fireplace logs that last longer than the average Premier of the Soviet Union. That, apparently, is the major rule in Sovietology these days. Students of the Soviet Union are beginning to find little clues which indicate the instability of modern Soviet 4 leadership. Some of the signs: Premier Chernenko's death was a form letter, with his name written into the blank space. The Soviet government's official mortuary now has a night-deposit box. In years past, a handsome portrait of the Soviet leader was prominently displayed in classrooms. Now, it is drawn with Magic Makers on one of those white plastic instruction boards. Russia's most popular morning disc jockey, Daniel Wilcoxski, has been receiving phone calls from childern asking, "Is the Premier alive today?" The official movie biographies of Premiers are now shown in the "Selected Short Subjects" section of movie matinees. To save time at military parades, tanks, troop trucks and missile carriers now drive past the reviewing stand at 55 miles per hour. Flags have been nailed to poles at half-mast. A series of "Big, Tall and Dead'' men fashjon shops have opened at malls across Moscow. Mail from the Politburo to the Premier is addressed to "Dear Occupant." At this writing, it appears the Politburo will choose a younger man to succeed Chernenko. Traditionally, the man chosen to provide the chip V dip at the wake is designated to receive the spot. Now you might think this bad news for the Soviet Union. But according to at least one source, the high mortatilty rate of Soviet leadership is really a plot directed at the U.S. This information came from Arlen X Spectorant, President of the John Bitch Society. ("Yeah, we meant to join the other group," says Arlen. "But we had a typo on the letterhead and the name seemed more appropriate, so we stuck with it.")" The purpose of the plot is to confuse President Ronald Reagan with rapid change-overs in the Kremlin, Arlen said. This is easier than you might think. Reagan is the fellow who stood in the reception line and greeted his own Secretary of Housing and Urban Development as "Mr. Ambassador." This is the guy who came back from Central America and said "It's amazing. They're all different countries down there." Arlen continued, "The Soviets know that when a new leader comes to power in the Kremlin, it takes the White ! House weeks to orient Mr. Reagan. He spends all his time learning to pronounce the name. (On the domestic front, a special bodyguard is on hand to prevent him ever 1 meeting Zbiegnew Brzesinski, Carter's old foreign adviser.) The president carries a wallet photo of the Soviet Premier with him all the time. Three times a day, he has to take it out, concentrate on the face, and repeat the name over and over. "It's very hard for Mr. Reagan to distinguish the Russian leader. He thinks they all look like Ernest Borgnine," said Arlen. Meanwhile, a defensive Pravda editorial was released today, saying, "While we mourn yet again, the death of our glorious leader, at least we do not suffer the fate of the imperialistic United States, which has a corrupt brain-dead leader at the helm." In reply. White House spokesman Pat Buchanan said, "It is not true that Mr. Reagan's brain is dead. It is suffering a cold, but it isn't dead." Fans of the Kimball Art Center may have wondered what its old publicity director, Alan Seko, is doing lately. For one thing, he's correcting the spelling of the Deseret News TV critic. Seko works in the KSL marketing department. He recently sent TV columnist Joseph Walker a list of Channel 5 news staff, their positions and correct spellings of their names. Walker candidly admitted, "Notice how he doesn't even mention the KSL names I have misspelled recently Bruce Lindsay, Don Olsen and Jim Nantz, to name three." Of course, we never misspelled any names in Art Center articles. But it's nice to notice that Seiko is keeping those Salt Lake guys on the ball. The latest example of Park City decadence has been reported by the Deseret News. The News Sunday Magazine reported a pillow fight that eruped during a sleep-over held in a local home. Afterward, one kid discovered that a tube of toothpaste he kept in a pillow had ruptured, gooing up the entire pillow. Parents, are your children sleeping on toothpaste? Look for these warning signs: sideburns covered with a blue, fun-tasting gel; kids spending lots of money on customized toothbrushes with racing stripes ; the sudden use of weird jargon, such as "Don't Bogart that Crest;" and hair with no cavities. OPTIMISM AWARD: To Pam Parsons, former South Carolina woman's basketball coach, who unsuccessfully sued Sports Dlustrated magazine for libel after it said she was sexually involved with a player. The story was verified by Salt Lake Babette De Lay, and Parsons has now been convicted of committing perjury during the suit. Her reaction? According to AP, Parsons called the ordeal "a great new opportunity to learn about myself." |