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Show bv Kick Droufih The scoop of the week The first fatality of the Main Street construction season has already been recorded. A young man was accidentally, accident-ally, scooped up by a front-end loader and thrown into a dump truck under tons of dirt and asphalt. The victim was wandering, for some reason, in the construction area. The young man's last words were, "As I walk up Main Street, I hear the Ten 0 Arrrrgggghhhhh ! " A Swiss watch-making company is manufacturing a wonderful new wristwatch for Moslems. According to the AP story, the watch not only tells the time, but points the way to Mecca. The timepiece has a unique magnetic system that gives the correct direction no matter where the religious devotee is. This could lead to a whole series of religious wristwatches. For instance a watch for black Muslims gives off an alarm whenever you encounter someone who casts aspersions on the great and glorious candidacy of Jesse Jackson. It also points out residents of Hymietown. Another watch would be sold to people who want to deal with Mormon Missionaries. This watch shows, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much you know about the Mormon Church. It also shows how much more you want to know. For this, numbers from minus 1 to minus 100 are also provided. The Christian Scientist watch won't tell you the time but advises you to pray about it. The Moonie watch requires you to give up everything. Don't work, don't play, don't go to the bathroom. Just concentrate on the little second hand moving around and around and around and around and around and around the dial. Moonie disciples will gather in Madison Square Garden to synchronize syn-chronize their watches under the direction of the Reverend Moon. But these things will not be made just for the devout. There's also the Main Street construction watch. This watch gives the time, points to the exact place you parked your car, and tells you how much time you have before the car is ticketed andor run over by a bulldozer. In a special edition for business owners, it also shows how much money they have lost, to date, 1 because of the project. Violence is nasty, we know, but we think the National Coalition on Television Violence is getting too picky when it goes after the violence on the Disney cable TV channel. Among other things, it objected to the Three Little Pigs bashing the Big Bad Wolf, and Donald Duck fastening clothespins on the bills of noisy Huey, Dewey and Louie. In fact, if the morality groups get started, they may find all sorts of nasty stuff going on. What the heck is Snow White doing in the same house with those dwarves, without benefit of clergy? We could ask the same thing about Tarzan and Jane. Why do we allow Superman to publicly disrobe in a phone booth, when anyone else would be arrested? And going back to Donald Duck-it's scandalous that a character can dress only in a sailor jacket and hat, and yet is allowed to adopt three minors. It is time we found out the truth about the Lone Ranger and Ton-to Ton-to these two guys roaming around the West alone. Why were the Ranger's pants so tight in the 50s TV series? It all depends on how you look at things. When Wile E. Coyote bounces back from destruction so often, it could desensitize you to violence. Or it could be a subtle attempt to propagate the Eastern rice-eating turban-headed concept of reincarnation! Parents, beware! A man got up from a wheelchair last week after a blessing from the Pope. But don't get excited, you afflicted folks and other pilgrims! It wasn't really a miracle! Jan Lavric accompanied a group of handicapped Britons to London to meet the pontiff. He was standing around and decided to rest his feet in a nearby wheelchair. The next thing he knew, a nun wheeled him in to see John Paul. What was he going to do? Disappoint the Pope? Next thing, some historian is going to examine Brigham Young's diaries and find the settler's crops were saved, in reality, by a wagon train of very hungry Jewish pioneers. ("The Siegals ate the crickets? I thought they said the seagulls ate the crickets ! " ) Just as the Burger Wars are dying down, it now appears that the Soft Drink Wars are starting up again. Pepsi got things fired up, so to speak, when Michael Jackson filmed a commercial com-mercial for them. Now Coke has countered, coun-tered, with a commercial by international inter-national singing star Julio Iglesias. If the trend continues, we can see Dr. Pepper, the soft drink that is "so misunderstood," endorsed by Boy George. Seven-Up brags about being colorless. Their ads will feature types like Sen. Ernest Hollings, Brad Hall of "Saturday Night Live" and Dan Valentine Jr. John Denver will sing of Shasta. The coffee companies have already done a famous commercial series of ads where they assure you that coffee doesn't make you jittery, but "gives you the serenity to dream it, and the vitality to do it." A new commercial was to be filmed with endorsements from Kirk Douglas, John McEnroe and Col. Muammar Kaddafi but it was canceled for some unexplained reason. QUOTES OF THE WEEK: 1) A syndicated political columnist explains after Reagan's China trip, why China feels it should be able to do what it wants with Taiwan. "Imagine what the reactions of Washington and the American public would be if China supplied arms to Hawaii, as if it were an independent island unlinked to mainland China." (See, and Afghanistan is just like Montana, only the people wear funnier outfits.) 2) UPI reported that a man who had been passing himself off as author Ernest Er-nest K. Gann died at a New Orleans veterans hospital. The real Gann is alive and well. Said the author's agent about the impersonation: "I guess now this will stop." Finally, you ever notice how dumb people are when they-AIEEEEE! (EDITOR'S NOTE: The above notes were found yesterday near the construction con-struction zone. The Record hopes to continue with "Whaddyaknow," somehow, during the summer season. ) |