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Show 4 A Line o' Type or Two 1 Fay ce quo vouldras. " 4 f By B. L. T. Anybody who desires to gamble that the kaiser will be tried in London, or will . die of anything except old age, can likely get a bet down with Uloyds. Geneva sends word that "suicides among German ofrtcers are increasing alarmingly." What do they mean alarmingly? alarm-ingly? We Should Conjecture Not. Sir: Concerning a new hat for President Wilson, I beg to inquire if the rlrn-cut ia due to underlnflaUon. Jf not, I will contribute con-tribute toward a new lid, unless be has ! already had the mileage for which the ! old one was guaranteed. R. O. MEG. I "Nobodv, with the single exception of England, is offering Ireland a dominion government," declares Mr. Frank Waish-Possibly, Waish-Possibly, Frank, becaimo England is the only nation in a position to make the offer. Say, Listen, Believe Me! (From the Creeds, Colo., Candle.) The Candle Editor does not believe in bragging when he's sober. - However, the arrival of an eight and one-half pound baby boy at his home last Sunday la an : awful temptation. We are perfectly will-1 ing to give the Mrs. full credit for her share In the epoch-making event, and we congratulate the doctor and nurse for their good lucli In officiating upon such a momentous mo-mentous occasion. Some people give considerable con-siderable credit In such cases to a wise old bird, called a stork, but by Gosh, we don't. We're some bird ourself, we'll say we are. Ofcher Lemon-Pickers Ploase WW. Blr: I cannot compete with the large 1 majority of people when it comes to traveling trav-eling records, but when it is a matter of selecting the side of a train on which all of the soot and cinders fly, I am a certain cer-tain winner. Since I am In no sense fatalistic, fa-talistic, and consistently try to avoid looking look-ing on the dark side of things, I am c2k whether any others in your menage have noticed tendencies toward so unfortunate an infallibility. OAX. Skip Grace sells groceries In Carrollton, Mo. "You just feel," writes A. J. T., "that there must b6 some chair for him In the'Academy." There is. At the head of the dining-room table. Small Town Luxury, Sir: Found. In Harvard, 111., the n. f. druggist who, after compounding a two-cent two-cent stamp, rests from his labor in a real barber's chair padded headpiece, foot Bupport, reclining back, and everything. The chair is back of his desk just inside the front window. C. E. T. "Send us your Palm Beach suit and duck suits, and you will enjoy the hot weather." Indiana laundry ad. Righto! But the police might run us In. That Would Involve Work Counting 'Em. Sir: Why rot follow the display advertising adver-tising ofnoe plan and publish every week the number of contributions omitted for lack of space? Even that acknowledgment acknowledg-ment would help some of us who keep hacking away with absolutely no encouragement. encour-agement. LARBEE. Mr. Wilson is "a bit alarmed to find how many speeches he has in his system unclaimed." May we not suggest a little peppermint? Cf., Reverently, Luke 24:16. Sir: Notwithstanding P. B. S.'s recent naive exaggeration, well you wot we remain re-main as noncommissioned an amateur (we will not say, gentleman) as the humblest other of your, retinue of assuming dilettantes. dilet-tantes. Now on rare occasions we make the awe-inspiring pilgrimage from our simple country farm to your metropolis; and on such occasional but inspiring voyages voy-ages we naturally make a Cook's Tour of t,he sights of The City, as bents a rural who may not daily visit the Art Institute, the Stockyards, the 'Public Library, the Tribune Bldg. Once upon such a travel marvelous, you, sir, were pointed out to us- It was an Occasion. Long had we known you in our mind's eye as a genial mystery and a ruthless but ever just censor. So overwhelmed were we on this Event, however, that (as is unfortunately ever our case in introductions, being: rather sensitive than sensible) our eyes blurred Instead of taking accurate note of your line o' face or two. Obstttui, steterunt-que steterunt-que comae, vox haucibus haesit. We were proud, but astigmatic; and such absence ab-sence of mind is not a social virtus'. The aftermath, sir, was regrettably regretta-bly Inevitable. Every time on our peregrinations pere-grinations we tread by the hallowed conjunction con-junction of Dear and Mad streets, we seem to see in every third good-looking (ahem) and twinkling-eyed passerby, a possible incarnation of your royal, and to our memory cloud-wrapped, self. Fain might we grab thee by a wrist and Invite to bevos, but a horrid doubt ever procrastinates pro-crastinates our impulses. So, all too probably, your excellency and this more bashful than brash pvt. have thus un-slgnalling un-slgnalling passed like ships in the night, and we knew you not: as Theos, Edrls on the field of Ardath; or Jess, Jack after the third.. Alas, sir! What should the uncertain rural do? Must he exile his deficient eyes from the sacred territory of Floor Three, or will you not rather run your latest photograph, full length and breadth, in office costume, to clear our too fringed mental haze? It would also help, all highest, high-est, if you would ordinarily wear a sign of your particular eminence; a crown, perhaps, of roses we had nearly said, violets. As for Intruding on your laboratory and Scrutinizing your Lineaments throned behind be-hind your hypothetical Desk sir, we simply sim-ply have not the courage. To us you are a mystJc King of the B'ourth Estate; your ahrine is sanctum sanctorum, well Cer-berus'd Cer-berus'd by a Stygian River of Awe whose only Charon, mutually familiar, is the rubicund shade of the deathless Washington; Washing-ton; fare, two obols, and no contributions returned. RIQUARIUS. Writes a member of a correspondence club Sunday school: "I was born and raised in Indiana, but my parents were neither born nor raised here, with the exception of my father," "Come Live With Me and Be My Love- " Say: In these days, when one has to resort to desperate measures to keep help Satisfied, I am c. 2 k. whether Carrie Tubb, to whom Harold Craxton has dedicated dedi-cated his new song. "Shepherd Love," is by any chance his laundress. T. M. S. Among those who graduated from the Chatfield, Minn., high school were Mary Regina Sharpe and Floyd Luella Dull. It would be interesting, if one had nothing else to do, to follow the careers of this pair. Old-Stuff Prohlem of Conduct. (From the British Weekly.) Edgar Allen, who is deeply in love with a pretty friend, Rose Wylde, but who has not yet ventured to put the fateful question, ques-tion, is spending part of his summer holiday with her family. One day he takes her and her mother for a row on the river. Mrs. Wylde, who is accomplished, accom-plished, but of plain appearance, asks laughingly: "If the boat were to capsize, which would you try to save, myself or my daughter?" What shquld Edgar reply? "It Is a wonderful thing for this nation na-tion to win not only the universal confidence confi-dence of the people of the world, but their universal affections." Mr. Wilson. Will some bright member of the class in English point out how the foregoing might be improved? What two adjectives are glaringly unnecessary? Justice Must Be Stern. . Sir: The Germans are trying to save the face of their fallen kaiser. That's all right with us, as we are not interest-. interest-. ed ia to ac .j B. B. |