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Show I TurD nnm fy on the military career! lltCIJJ XJJUtL 1 FINLBY PETER, DUNNE M "They were well armed an manny iv thim were in th' shipyards, where it wud be .almost impossible to attack thim without takin' a polisman along." jr-r 7 ELL, sir," said Mr. Dooley, " I'm glad W t0 aee roue m Ulsthcr is over." 1 "What's happened?" asked Mr. - Hennessy. " It's hard f'r me to make out fr'm th' frag-mentary frag-mentary repoorts iv th' war corryspondints," said Mr. Dooley. "But as far as I can see th' situa-tion situa-tion stands about like this : Th' ar-rmy iv Ulsther has won a splindid vickthry, but th' English ar-rmy has not been disgraced. It has rethreated with colors flyin', dhrums batin', an1 nayether its honor nor its buttons tarnished. Gin'ral Ed Car-son, Car-son, th' dauntless leader iv Ulsther, magnani-mously magnani-mously permitted th' officers to retain their side arms, dancin' programs, tea caddies, an' enough Hj marmalade to sustain thim ontil fresh supplies can be for'arded fr'm home. Gin'ral Carson is to be proclaimed king or impror iv forty-four per cint iv th' county iv Anthrim, impror iv thirty per cint iv th' County Down, an' protictor iv th' County Donegal, or such part thereof as needs his protic-tion. protic-tion. It was a gr-reat war, an' I'm glad it's over an' ordher has been restored in Ireland. Now ye may see some fightin'. " Arly in January th' king iv England ordhered an immeejit attack on th' rebels undher Gin'ral Carson. A council iv war was hurridly called, consistin' iv Gin'ral Lord Guff, Gin'ral Lord Stuff, Gin'ral Lord Bluff, Gin'ral Lord Muff, an' Gin'ral th' Hon'rable Percy Algernon Herbert Fluff. Owin' to th' unaccountable delay in th' tailorin' departmint th' unyforms were not com-pleted com-pleted ontil arly in March, whin intinse excite-mint excite-mint was noticed at th' war office. Cabs dashed up an' dashed away, waiters rushed in an' out, an' all th'grim signs iv th' comin' conflict cud be obsarved. Inside th' ol' sthructure, whin th' tea things had been cleared away, th' sthratejists gathered around th' boord an' laid out th' plan iv campaign. Afthcr that ivints followed in rapid Hj succission. It was detarmined to reconoither th' inimy's position at wanst. A sthrong foorce undher Gin'ral Fluff swooped down on a neigh-borin' neigh-borin' news stand an', afther a brief but fierce resistance, which did honor to both parties, pro-cured pro-cured copies iv all th' momin' pa-apers. These Hj were hurrid to th' council boord, where afther a haty examination iv th' racin' news th' gin'rals gleaned fr'm spies that Gin'ral Carson's foorces numbered in th' neighborhood iv fr'm wan thou-san' thou-san' to five hundherd thousan' picked men, most iv thim silicted fr'm th' ladin' stores iv Belfast but includin' a gr-jcat manny who had seen achal service undher Lord Londonderry, ayether mounted or as footmen. They were well armed with rifles, monkey wrenches, pick axes, pikes, hosepipe, bricks, nutmeg graters, an' religious convictions. They were inthrenched behind count-ers count-ers or in putlers' panthries, an' manny iy thim were in th' shipyards, where it wud be almost impossible to attack thim without takin' a polis-man polis-man along. Gin'ral Carson himsilf occypied a house in th' suburbs, where he was heavily guarded be a few zealous frinds an' made occa-sional occa-sional sorties in a cab f'r lunch or dinner, but mlaiaaai look his. bxcakLut.at ham&. like th' ol' campaigner he is. It was plain at wanst that it' wud be worse thin folly to attimpt to attackt this disprit an' well armed organi-zation. ' It is apparent ap-parent to me that we have been outmanoovered,' said Gin'ral Guff. ' It wud be .a military crime to sacrifice a British ar-rmy in such a rash enther-prise,' enther-prise,' said Gin'ral Bluff. ' Carson is in a disprit mood,' said Gin'ral Muff. ' Hiven knows what he might dp if pressed. He has had lagal thrainin' an' he might get out an injunction against us. I will not lead me gallant fellows against a possible concealed writ or some devilish conthrivance like that. I've been in such an action befure, in th' chancry coorts, an' I know th' cost,' he says. So sicond place says th' gin'ral with risin' anger, ' I won't make anny further sacrifice iv blood an' threasure to put Ireland in th' hands iv people that keep Lent with so much bigotry that they'd soon desthroy th' salmon fishin',' says he. ' Why didn't ye say that befure?' says th' sicrety iv war. ' I had no idee that such a horrible catasthrophy was starin' us in th' face,' he says. An', embracin' th' gin'ral an' pinnin' th' Victory cross on his chest, he sint him back with instructions f'r th' ar-rmy to beat a hasty rethreat. An' they beat it. " I don't blame English gin'rals f'r not wantin' to fight thim Ulsther men. If I was an Englishman, English-man, which, thank goodness, I'm not, th' last J "Good momin', Alexander; take that. How d'ye do, Michael, th' same to ye fl' with this pick ax!" in Ireland. They are an onralsonable an' slow actin' people, while we're ralsonable an' impetchus. " But whin sqjers sthrike I don't know what's goin' to happen. Th' nex' thing ye know a polisman polis-man will refuse to catch a burglar because th' house he's robbin' is ownded by a Republican. . Thin a fireman will come down th' ladder, throw th' hose on th' ground, an' say: 'Cap, I ain't goin' to squirt out that fire. I see a pitcher iv-Willum iv-Willum Jennings Bryan on th' wall.' An' th' cap will say : ' Ye done right, me boy. Sind th' comp'ny back to th' injine house.' " Annyhow, I don't blame a gin'ral f'r not wantin' to fight. With a sojer it's diff'rent, but "Whin not dhrillin' 'he idles away his time in wheelin' the major's baby in the perambylator. " it was detarmlned to slnd Gin'ral Lord Guff over to see th' sicrety iv war an' discuss th' matther with him. Th' supreem chief iv th' ar-rmy received re-ceived him sternly an', afther th' tea things had been cleared away, demanded to know why he had disobeyed ordhers, an' wud he give him a light? 'We have decided to discontinue this crool, onnecessary war,' says th' gin'ral gruffly, puffin' a cigareet. ' Why?' says th' sicrety iv war angrily. ' Because,' says th' gin'ral, 1 in th' first place th' inimy ar-re armed,' says he. ' That is a ralson that don't appeal to me at this distance,' -sars,th' sicrefct iv war bnnffbtlW. '.An' Ja Jh' inimy I'd pick out wud be thim tough fellows fr'm th' north. As foreigners I despise thim, but as fellow counthrymen an' inimies I hold thim in th' highest regard. Now that th' military has retired, if th' polis will kindly step aside, we'll resoom th' argymint where it was left off whin th' English had th' presumtion to intherfere. Good mornin', Alcxandher; take that. How d'ye do, Michael, th' same to ye with this pick ax! Wc undherstand each other perfeckly. So we must fight. Nawthin' leads to throuble so quick as a perfeck undherstandin'. Th' English don't undherstand us an' they ahvqt trft n , bl&gy Jgg If I was a gin'ral diwle a fut cud they dhrive me into a war without they loaded a cannon behind me. If a statesman come to me an' said, ' Gin'ral Dooley, in ordher to square mcsilf with me con-stitooents con-stitooents in Kansas I must ast ye to grab th' ol flag an' rush into a gory grave,' I'd say, 'No, thank ye kindly,' I'd say; 'I'm comfortable here. It's a good job, th' quarthers are to me likin', an' I'm told be th' fair that th' unyform is becomin'. " ' I have no hard feelin's at all again anny foreign for-eign nations whativer. Th' foreigners I have met has been agreeable fellows. If ye feel badly about P?tfty$poj is actin', if rice ye'er impetchus blood is bllin' beyond enduranc' B' if nawthin' but slaughther will satisfy ye'er ardei iete nature, ye'll find me soord hangin' in th' clos! t Take it, me boy, an' lead ye'ersilf to death ; J an victhry, or both. 111 stay back here an' tell-; j what to do fr'm time to time,' I'd say. No, sir;i t w Andhrew Carnaygie ra-aly wants to haveei s an' isn't on'y on a spree with his money, he'll stc ;rlghi hirin' orators an' thry to have th' English idj took up be all th' wurruld. Lave th' makin': jeth war to th' gin'rals an' we'll have peace. No gin'r JJ ought to go to war onless he was ready, an' r gin'ral that knows his business ought ivcr to I ready. Maybe that's why we've had so few va mt lately. Th' statesmen ar-re always prepared ; b &l fly somebody else at th' throat iv th' inimy iv the fffm counthry, but just as things looks fine f'r a fig ti th' gin'ral steps in an' whispers in th' statesmar, jjjS ear : ' We are in a wretched state iv onreadine fcs We have on'y three millyon men an' not mo; thin siventy thousand millyon rounds iv ammyr Wa 1 tion, an' we'd be bate in a week,' an' he goes honr an' goes to bed an' th' nex' day th' pa-apers sa; "poii th' situation has been improved by mutual cdi cessyons. , tflcy f But with th' private sojer it's diff'rent. If 3 left it to him there'd be nawthin' but war. T 5a? 0 martial jooties iv a sojer in pipin' times iv peac 6 as Hogan says, seems to excite him to go out a Veak kill some wan. A young fellow', afther changi his name so's his parents won't know he's took t etojt th' ancient an' noble pro-fissyon iv arms, enlis JJj an' goes where glory waits him. Whin it ketch faee him it ayether puts him to wurruk at his 0 jj'jjjj thrade at wan-fifth th' union scale or taches hi n a j a new an' akelly onpleasant occypation. JJjJk plumber who goes into th' array to duck th' di dets graceful pro-fissyon at five dollars a day finds he wipln' jints In th' barracks f'r wages that wu fe make th' walkin' dlllygate have him shot at sui fed rise. Whin not dhrillin' or writin' letters to t pa-aper complainin' about th' food, he idles awa ust his time in curryin' horses, shinglin' roofs, hodi weeds in th' colonel's garden, or wheelin' i major's baby in th' perambylator. Some day 1 fcjr, does somethin' that if he done it befure he becori a hero th' most he cud get wud be a ten day a vacation in th' bridewell. Th' coort martial ta Jnht into account all th' extenooatin' circumstances a gives him two years at hard labor. Small blan rauo to him if ye nivcr hear him yellin' ' hooray ' wh Jn Andhrew Carnaygie goes on. No, sir; if I hi g iver been timpted be thim colored pitchers . r y enlist an'" th' gin'ral was to come to me an sa ' Corporal 'f'r I'd be that or nawthin-- t v Jn govcrnmint wishes ye to go out an' fight Hi j, nissy, ye'er best frind. Can we ly on yer say, 'Hinnissy? That little, -disagreeable fellof tiebt( Why, I've wanted to shoot that man 1 r for years.' ' Thin I will lead ye to victhry. I doi care where ye lead me to. On'y lead me aw; fr'm here.' " . , - j '&? " I see in th' pa-aper that if thim n rals j K tho in Germany they'd be hanged," said Mr. Ho ar nessy. . .J. s, "If thim gin'rals were in German) im wudden't be gin'rals," said Mr. Dooley. 1 t Copyright: 10H: By Flnlcy peter DttawJ A |