OCR Text |
Show ZJkwnhd about' Greenhorn Hunters. BEVERLY HILLS, CALIF. Now that the casualty lists are drifting in, there's talk of action to cut down the needless fatalities that mark every gunning season. Greenhorns prowl the glade, firing at anything that moves. All who can afford hunting licenses and high-powered high-powered rifles are eligible. They rarely hit big game, but seem able to blast down humans at any distance. If it were permissible to mount guides' heads there'd be handsome trophies over many o mnntplnippp in this fair but careless Irvin g. cobb land. Once there was a Maine guide so the old story runs who got gosh-awfully gosh-awfully tired of being shot at by city slickers. So he made a complete suit of broad awning stripes, alternately al-ternately white and black. He figured fig-ured that ought to save him, but, on his next trip into the woods, an amateur potted him the first shot. At the inquest, the coroner said: "We know you didn't mean to kill poor Eph, but how in thunder did you think a man dressed like him could be a deer?" "I didn't think he was a deer," confessed the remorseful one, "I thought he was a zebra." Antics of "Antomaniacs". IT MUST indeed be true that providence provi-dence looks after idiots and drunkards. Else how could all such be able to get drivers' license? I rode with a prize specimen yesterday. yes-terday. He seemed lucid enough until un-til he got his foot on the gas. That was what fooled me. If ever I ride with him again, which heaven forbid, for-bid, I shall carry a lily in my hand just in case. We had a set of overcoat buttons, but-tons, the top off of a stop signal and part of a gocart in our car when we arrived. So we didn't actually hit anybody, this being due, I think, to his holding dead on the mark instead of leading it by a few inches, as one should when one's target is moving. He hopes for better luck next time. Yet there was no rush. There rarely is. And that's the funny part about an automaniac's reactions. It's the only funny part the rest is tragedy. The Simpson Affair. THE simple name of Simpson has become practically a household house-hold word in America, but 'tis said millions of English people haven't so much as heard it yet or at least not in their public prints. It's another an-other case of having to go away from home to hear the news. If it's true, as exclusively reported over here, that his majesty invited a premier and primate two of the highest cards in the whole deck to mind their own business, he set the tune for the daily press of his realm to dance by. However, the British newspapers never did develop the high arts of keyhole peeping and transom lifting lift-ing to the extent practiced by a certain peculiar school of American Ameri-can journalism. With them, an Englishman's Eng-lishman's house still is his castle, though it be a glass house. Or even a royal palace. But some of the London gossip-writers gossip-writers must be so swollen up with strangulated copy they've probably had to have their clothes let out Now, if haply 'twas purely a Yankee affair instead of being, as it were, fifty-fifty how those boys would love to cut loose. A Job for the New President. IF, in his first message to the next congress, our newly-elected President should come right out and advocate the following things: First Taking steps to collect, or at least try to collect, what those defaulting debtor nations Owe us; second instructing the proper departments de-partments promptly to deport all aliens illegally admitted to this country coun-try and therefore here in defiance of our immigration laws; third authorizing immediate action so that all unnaturalized communists and other foreign-born enemies of the government which shelters them including especially such of these as are on federal relief rolls or hold private jobs to the exclusion of citizens citi-zens shall be put out of this country coun-try and kept out Well, if he did do those very things, there wouldn't be, as Adam Bede once said, a dry throat left among the kind of Americans I trot around with. IRVIN S. COBB. WNU Service. |