| Show I 1 I We Have With Us I Tonight In the Haunts of After Dinner Speakers Speakers Modern Modern tors Oi-tors and Or Oratory tory BY TOM TOrr MASSON Editor of L Life e I I I banquets are now the order JL P of or the night Ne Nc Never er before have havethe the they t en b-en cn en so popular In the thc metropolis alias H la alias Manhattan I account account ac account ac- ac count for tor this on the principle that the cost of oC food tood b boing ln so high as It Is a n. aman aman man wIll commit almost any crime or descend to almost any level IC of enough nourishment nourIshment nourishment nour nour- in order to ge get to 1 keep bod body and soul together tos to toI Of at course there aro are public banquets forced which the assembled guests aro are I to subscribe some fome of ot them as high as asI but a man AN who ho hoIs se seven se n dollars ollars a a. plate I Is still more or less a attached to a CurI fur fur- bearing family will lI secretly save up for I order to set get the necessary necessary weeks n ds ahead In or er sary ar capital capita to indulge in 11 almost an any form of or gastronomy not boiled on a common or a domestic gas stove sto which deserves the name of ot sustenance sus sus- In an any way When hen the gu guests of ot the evening have he all been corralled the doors ha have been closed and there Is no hope left Jet the chairman rises solemnly and the table and from one end of towering over his victims like an avenging 1 spirit says say or would say y If ho told the truth Gentlemen now Ive I've got sot you where I want you oU There Is no escape If It anyone amon among you should attempt to sneak out before the third speaker completes tes tho the d deadly work begun b by bythe bythe the other two he would be Justly condemned condemned condemned con con- by public opinion Here Hero you Ou are In my fatal power and between my light airy persiflage and the all ready all ready ready- wear to platitudes of the tho others ImI Im I'm going to Khe you OU what hat you OU deserve b by I coming here The table Is 18 usually arranged In n the tho form of or a T or an X and the speakers ol ot the tho evening sit along the top panel looking as 8 say gay and merr merry as If Ir the they were nere the Inma inmates es of ot a Siberian jail Every once In a while one of or them smiles smites a fitful smile and tries to make maco It appear to the victims who are scattered scattered scattered scat scat- around the table that he alone of or all aU men is carel careless ss and indifferent of or what happens to him The poor devil who sits an the end and who knows In some occult manner that ho he will bo be boc c called on nn 1 last st vies with t his fellows In seeming mirth and swallows s each mouthful with desperate courage knowing kno that for tor him the zero hour will will bo be not less mitigated d because it is h. delayed ed ed A horrible presentiment that the other other speakers will each tall talk so 0 much longer oner than the chairman Intends to have ha them and that by the time he puts in tho the finishing touches about one- one halt half of ot the tho victims will ill steal awn away away- comes ComeR over ocr him ever e and anon But Buthe Buthe he lie struggles on to the bitter end an and when the chairman rises at last he settles settles set set- ties back In his scat seat and tries to look like an masterpiece On the other hand hantl the man wha knows knot hes he's coming first Is fairly calm He ire is read ready to beU believe e that what ho he io is going to sa say will be swallowed up In Inthe Inthe the utterances rances of ot those who follow him I The coffee cotte and cigars having been brought In and the waiters walters having vanished 11 Into the glad free Cree world outside outside out out- side tho the chairman as already hinted begins to to explain the object of ot tho the meeting meeting- and tl to lead up to the tho first speaker A fierce struggle has haa been going on in the like Apollo-like breast atthe of at the said ald chairman He does not want to say This reminds me ate or wo we We have e with us tonight Neither will he p permit permit per per- r- r mit himself to declare amid the low low- muttered curs cur curses s 8 of ot his audience audience- Gentlemen Gentlemen Gen GAn the first speaker on our list needs no Introduction Also he ho will UI not permit himself to refer to the fact tact that now not that t prohibition has mado made every everything thin dr dry the wit of ot the tho evening will partake of ot this same ramo quantity But the chairman has resurrected n a story from his Ills back files and Its It's absolutely essential to his pe peace ce of or mind that he hebe hebe hebe be r relieved of at it ft And so after stating the object t of or the meeting ho he said Gentlemen Gentlemen Gen Oen this recalls the negro gentleman gentleman gentle gentle- man who who who- About 75 per POI cent of or tho the audience ha have hae e not heard this ancient ancien t wheeze Some of ot them burst Into loud and up uproarious uproarious uproarious up- up laughter which trails Itself oft off Into the mild and cynical smiles of ot those sophisticated gentlemen who have come by b- experIence to to believe In Mark Twains Twain's observation that there are only twenty nine original Jokes joltes Tho The speaker of or the evening e comes come about third on the list It matters not what he says Ss He Is A a. celebrity The rho committee In ehor charge e of or the Jhc proceedings have worked t weeks wees ahead to ensnare him Into this utterance If ho he is 18 no orator so eo much the better It Jl I is enough to tn u un p on i I. I t e to 11 11 p to g w un u u b yio s man y IU arm LU U stew to 0 his embarrassed remarks Afterward ard an any member who has been there can remark romark casually By the way dined i the he other othor ov evening with Sir on Delightful man Quite man m my kind of or an all around fellow Sometimes the speaker of ot the evenIng evening even- even Ing ne Is a professional humorist who has hns been Inveigled Into spending good time lime on what t ml might ht otherwise be employed In writing wrIting- Jokes jolce to support s his num roua rous r- r ous oua progeny This gentleman n ha has a n twin advantage over all other speakers speak speak- ers for Cor not only can be talk about himself with Impunity but his r reputation reputation tation enables him to tell tin t solemn things of at or In Indeed Indeed In- In deed hlo hie true cile lies not In tn Inny any ny attempt nt at tempt to be funny Ho has only tl to Ihs observe observe ob ob- s serve r e that It Hit looks look like rain tomor tomor- rG row and his Chin hi will be Int Interpreted as asa asa 15 a n. subtle prognostication of at the th-s future or tho tiro national wine Ho lIo ha has only to remark I am not te feeling we well this evening evening- This Thin bald nt he- he r received with t loud applause his In Inspiration Inspiration inspiration In- In I com comes and ho he hastens to add The ho reason for tor this Is 18 that as I J 10 look lok upon UDon your our almost human t C facia 3 I can cans s sec e that I am the only one wit who hns has not stopped somewhere on hi ph hip W way to this thin oasis of or brains I r once b longed lon 11 to th the ann army but although I c b be still In public I am no private le r till So you ou see sel how hot easy It Is After it Is 18 all over ocr one of ot the guests gUest remarks remarks' to f the other He was t great greit wasn't he he Very cry funn funny replies the other othe only to save nave me I cant can't remember a thing he said al In this respect however tire th lh professional humorist Is no worse olf It n the tho solemn orator l few there bo be who t remember what the solemn orator orator ora ora- tor has said As for tor thin rule of or talking talking- yourself however even evin the orator Is coming to I I It ha hat Leon been discovered to be good One of or orthe the most prominent lecture bureau plutocrats plutocrat In this thin country has recently a advised it 3 d his lecturers to this effect American n audiences lie hp declared do do 10 not want winded long d opinions opinion oven from celebrities about t ho how Isom tho they thoy think the world ord ought to be bs ro iJ On the contrary they ar Are Intensely In Interested interested In- In tere ted In tho the celebrity himself how himself how ho foe and lIV lives B what he dor Iona O A In his hI drIy life lire Especially lly Is this true of ot gentlemen from tram abroad It If you are a solemn orator therefore there thero- fore tOTe do not think It immodest t tc is begin In tills this wise r Ladles and gentlemen Her Herd HarJ 1 t nm Tal Take e a a. good look at me I assure you rou oti I 1 Mn tm a regular human being manufactured manufactured according to formula lacking some come things to bo be sure but making up for tor them with a certain sturdiness In others I prefer tho the old boned night shirt to the tho more modern and d degenerate pajama I tako take two lumps lump of ot sugar when sugar when I can get them them them-In In my coffee My fy wife rules mo me and anI tells me mo things about myself that mate mako me blush with shame I I frequently getup get gel getup up in tho the night and wander about the house and stumble over o the furniture and emit low Jow cries of at anguish I have havo rehearsed this speech before a lookingglass lookingglass looking looking- glass for tor three weeks and cant can't think of I to I J love a L thing was wan aM going say soy OYO prunes for tor br breakfast I go to the movies movies' when I can and secretly read trashy tush- books I wouldn't got get up In the In-the the morning If It I driven to it and getting dressed is something I always look forward to with dr dread I have haYe a ahole ahole aholo hole holo In n the to toe of ot one of at m my socks atthe at atthe the present moment and this thin dress suit Is ix eight years year old The only r reason ason I 1 have ha been n able ablo to put It on tonight Is 18 because m my oldest son who is s m my size decided that ho he would spend the evenIng evenIng evening even- even Ing at home Otherwise I should probably probably ably aby have ve had to hire one for tor tho the occa occa- sion The only peace that interests In Interests In- In me is tho the one I am nm trying to negotiate ncr with Ith my creditors My I wife wite carves car I r have havo never been nb able to learn The only mechanical ability I have developed Is to wind my watch and find I forget torget this about three times Umes ateek a a. week t It Is all I can do to keep my eyeglasses clean enough to see eee through them I suppose I ought to thank you OU for tor coming hero here to look Jook at me And AndI I do I am grateful I really mean It It Far bo be It from me mo ever ho to derIde deride de- de rIde the public dinners and banquets now not going on The They servo serve a L useful purpose pur pur- pose For ore one thing there are now BO so many orators springing up everywhere every every- w r- r where that no one ono of or them has a chance chanco to monopolize the talk Tho The ten-minute ten speech has arrived and no nobody nobody no- no body can do too much damage in n ten minutes unless ho belongs to the I I. I tv W W and most of or us In this country countr dont Copyright 19 1920 O. O b by The Salt Lake Herald |
