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Show GsdthierejCL Smiles FOREHANDED. "I understand that Edison says that concrete shoes will be all the rage soon." "Gee! I guess I'll speak to your father fa-ther right away." Her Limit. She could golf from morn till night. Then dance the whole night long; But she couldn't help do housework, 'Cause she wasn't very strong. Some Force Required. "I'm sorry to see you buck here again," said the judge. "Your honor," answered the battered prisoner, "I did my best, but luck was agin me." "You mean you struggled against temptation?" "Er no, your honor, but It took six cops to bring me here." Unsatisfactory. The old farmer was looking over a comic paper the storekeeper at the crossroads emporium had given him. "I don't think much uv this paper no how, by grass !" he remarked. "What's th' matter with it?" queried his good wife. "They ain't nothin' in it much but pickters," replied the old granger, "an' most uv them ain't so." Not Yet Disillusionized. "What are you reading there?" "A poet's farewell to his flivver. It was stolen a week after lie bought It." "The verses seem to affect you. 1 see tears in your eyes." " 'Tis a deeply moving lament. No one who had owned a car for any length of time could grieve over its loss with such poignant woe." Should Say Not. "A millionaire bought the house he was born in and had it razed to the ground." "That's singular. Why didn't he preserve pre-serve it?" "Oh, the house happened to be a log cabin. That sort of thing will do very well for a man with political aspirations, aspira-tions, but not for a plutocrat whose wife Is socially ambitious." Fish Stories. Mrs. Flatlmsh Your husband said that since the purchase of Alaska by the United States its waters have yielded yield-ed fishery products valued at more than $250,000,000. Mrs. Bcnsonhurst Well, when it comes to talking about fish I wouldn't believe my husband under oath. Driven to It. "You ask me for help, and I dare say you haven't done a lick of work since the day you were born," snarled old Mr. Codgers. "Oh, sir," answered the mendicant, "you do me a great injustice. I had a Tuel parent, sir, and many a time, after he had walloped me, I went forth nd milked the cows." ON THE CONTRARY. "So de farmer wasn't at all'pertick-ler all'pertick-ler about his langwidge w'en youse oskt fer young fried chicken, eh?" "On the contrary, he was worry per-tlckler. per-tlckler. Nothin' but do most opprobl-dus opprobl-dus langwidgo he used." One of the Symptoms. "Miss Twohble is a soulful creature." crea-ture." "I've noticed that." "Have you really?" "Yes. Evory time she puts a piece of chocolate in hor mouth she sighs and falls into a deep reverie." In for a Drubbing. "Father likes you. Henry,'' "He ought to, Geruldine. But after te are married he's going to find out lat I'm not such a poor pinochle play-m play-m ea I Ju'va led him to believe I am." NOT STRICTLY MODERN. "Dubwaite has succeeded in discouraging discour-aging Mrs. Dubwaite's political aspira tions." "I wonder how he did it?" "The neighbors say that every time Mrs. Dubwaite came home from a rally Dubwaite contrived to let her catch him making a pretense of doing crochet work." "But that wouldn't have any effect on a real suffragette." "Perhaps not. It seems that Mrs. Dubwaite still clings to old-fashioned ideas about the way men and women should occupy their spare time." Optical Illusion. "It is said that if a person threatened threat-ened with seasickness will only keep his eyes fixed on some immovable object ob-ject he can fight off the attack." "Nonsense," replied the recent victim. vic-tim. "I had heard of that theory and while taking a short sail In the gulf I kept my eyes fixed on a lighthouse, but the longer I looked the more convinced I became that It was trying to dance the turkey trot." Not Needed. "I'm looking for a job," said the college col-lege graduate. "What can you do?" asked the corpulent corpu-lent man at the desk. "I was the best all-around athelete in my class." "I'm sorry, but I don't think we can use you here. You see, we conduct an orderly business and don't require the services of a bouncer." An Overcrowded Phrase. "Anything wrong with that story?" asked the youthful reporter. "Oh, it will do, I guess," answered the city editor, "but there is one thing I wish you would remember." "What is that?" "The intelligent newspaper reader takes it for granted that suicide is a 'rash act.' " WHAT SHE DID. ili "What did that woman do when her pet dog jumped on you and bit you?" "She gave me a very reproachful look, an' then she ordered the dog's valet to give it a bath." Waiter's Philosophy. With a bow and f cheerful smile. The juggler of cups and plates Thus spake as he pocketed a tip: "All things come to him who waits." Choice of Two Evils. "Can I be of any assistance?" said the stranger to the irascible man who was struggling with a punctured tire. "Yes," replied the motorist, as he wiped the perspiration from his face. "Just stand where you are and whistle 'La Paloma'." "But will that help you?" "Yes. If you whistle you won't be able to offer me foolish advice." Saying Nothing. "What was your congressman before you elected him?" asked the eastern man. "He was a lumberman." replied the westerner. "Gave up that sort of thing after you elected him to congress, I suppose?" sup-pose?" "Well, I don't know. He seems to be sawing wood a good deal of the time." Seasoned Timber. "Jokes." said the self-confessed hu7 moristj "are a good deal like nuts." "What's the answer?" queried the party at whom the remark had been aimed. "The drier they are the better they crack," explained the chestnut husker. Impertinent Query. "The wages of sin Is death," quoted the moralizer. "Suppose," rejoined the demoralizer, "that sinners should strike for higher wages and were granted 25 per cent increase, what would their wages be then ?" Plausible Theory. "Dubwaite has a horn on his automobile auto-mobile that sounds like the wailing of a lost soul." "Well, Dubwaite is a temperamental motorist. Maybe he uses the horn to express His feelings whenever he thinks about the mortgage on His home and the high cost of gasoline." Matter of Sex. She It is saitl that most men whistle whis-tle for want of thought. He Yes, and I believe most women talk for the same reason. j |
