OCR Text |
Show infill Nizer Ex-Rays a Columnist I By LOUIS NIZER Attorney, Author of "Wh.n to Do Wit Germany," "Thinking on Your Feet," Ect I am afraid to write this colum because a columnist must hav many talents. 1. He must be a humorist, whos column wears a pun-striped suit. A for example: Alimony is the high cost of leav lng. Sex magazines are the filth col umn of America. Today we have many sulfa-con sclous young doctors. True pals stick together 'til deb do them part. He adored her and the feeling wa: nuptial. Time wounds all heels. Z. A columnist must be a movii and theatrical critic who can creati atomio bomb devastation with t phrase. As for example: It took the Curies 30 years to fine radium; it took Sir William Ramsaj 16 years to discover helium; it tool this play only 2 hours to product tedium. 3. A columnist must be a lexicographer lexi-cographer who can invent new words which tickle the brain and surprise the eye. As for example: Bilboorish, Rank-in-justice, Teu-. Teu-. tonic Plague, guesstimate, sindicat-ed sindicat-ed column, kilocyclopedia, Emperor Emper-or Fearohito, infantuation, Petaint-ed. Petaint-ed. 4. He must be a philosopher who disguises his wisdom in simplicity so that he does not appear pretentious. preten-tious. As for example: It's better to give than to lend and it costs about the same. Suggested sign for a museum: "Touch as much as you like with your eyes, but don't see with your fingers." I am afraid of Senators who have a difficulty for every solution. Love at first sight often ends with divorce at first slight. Funny thing about temper, you can't get rid of it by losing it. Man argues that woman can't be trusted too far. Woman argues that man can't be trusted too near. The President has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of his cabinet. 5. He must be a religionist who realizes that religion is caught, not taught. As for example: An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. The best reply to an atheist is to give him a good -dinner and ask him if he believes there is a cook. 6. He must be an ironist who does not hesitate to master the art of insult. As for example: She dresses like a bad photograph underdeveloped and overexposed. His mind is like his farm, naturally natural-ly barren and made worse by mistaken mis-taken cultivation. He is addressing his speech to posterity, pos-terity, but his audience will be here before he finishes. 7. He must be an economist who knows that when a theory collides with a fact, there is a tragedy. As for example: Those who complain about rationing ration-ing ought to remember that there was no sugar until the 13th Century, no coal until the 15th Century, no coffee until the 17th Century, no matches until the 18th Century and . no gasoline until the 19th Century. 8. He must be an internationalist who keeps the conscience of the people peo-ple boiling. As for example: A good motto for the war criminal crimin-al trials is: "The prisoners, not the sentences, should be suspended." Don't relax. Germany has more intelligence per square head than any other nation. International moral: President Lincoln saw a small boy carrying a child up a hill on his shoulders. He asked him whether the burden was not too much for him. The boy answered: "It's not a burden, it's my brother!" Under fascism, the only virtue is strength. Under democracy, the only strength is virtue. 9. He must be a historian with a human interest touch. As for example: ex-ample: The spelling backward craze goes back a long way. In 1808 there was a political fight over Jefferson's embargo. em-bargo. His political opponents ridiculed ridi-culed him in cartoons as "O Grab Me." 10. ne must be a reporter who can reveal information kept secret even from many Government officials. Our Army found in a German chemical laboratory a new secret gas so powerful that a drop no larger than a pinhead would kill a human being. The Nazi laboratory chief revealed re-vealed that Hitler lost his nerve. He was afraid to use this weapon because be-cause he had been informed that the Chemical Warfare Division of the United States Army had even more fearful gases and in much largr quantities! |