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Show . A F.ural Sherlock. Farmor Hay Jest passed ono uv them blamed nutormubblcs dashln' along llko all possessed, an' I'll be durncd It the two snobs a-drlvln' It wa'n't woarln' maskB! Farmer Husklniyby Jc3t as I thought! I knowed thorn fellers would take tew rob-bln' rob-bln' their victims sooner cr later! Town Topics, Diary of a Roman Politician. (From Diary of Julius, a Roman politician. poli-tician. Dug up from beneath the ruins of tho Forum.) June the 20th: It has been a great day. The convention was called to order or-der by Spurious Jagglus and three fights, during which an amphora of beer was broken, thus losing the price of seventeen votes. It was a great calamity. ca-lamity. Soothsayers say It Is an augury au-gury of defeat. Certainly it has all the earmarks of a bad omen. And right on the heels of this cataclysm cata-clysm came Bilious Bryanus with the announcement that he was about to get rid of a speech. Cashless Penurious got him by the toga and Implored him with tears In his eyes to reconsider. "For God's sake, Bill" said Cashless Penurious; "for tho love of all the gods on Olympus, don't DON'T! Haven't we got trouble enough?" But Bilious Brvanus was obdurate. "I've got to do it, Cash!" he said, firmly. firm-ly. "I've simply got to do It or bustl Here I've been corking It up for four years, my only outlet being the pages of the great religious dally, the Com-monerlus. Com-monerlus. I'm Just this way, Cash: Whenever I see a platform I feel It coming on, and Tve simply got GOT to get up there and antic. I'm sorrj'i old sport; but " "But, Bill' said Cashless Penurious, "do you want to break our hearts? Why can't you go out and take a drink Instead? Why " "The great Public," said Bilious Bryanus. Bry-anus. drawing himself up and waving a hand, while the other hand -was thrust Into the bosom of his toga. "Tho People Peo-ple cry for Justice. You cannot press down the crown of thorns any longerl The cross of gold " "Bll BIL!" yelled Cashless Penurious Penuri-ous "listen to me LISTEN to me! Only one moment' Ono little momentl Only thre grains of corn, moth Bil, I'm going dippy, and all on account of youl Cut It out" "Now, see here, boys," said Bilious Bryanus, quietly, but very firmly, "I'm an orator, ain't I? Then why sha'n't I orate?" "But, Bll!" said Cashless, in a hoarse whisper of grief, "what the party of Democratus wants Is less -wind and more beer! Without beer wo are as " But Bilious Bryanus was gone. The next moment we heard his noble voice flinging language to the winds. It was great talk, and the unthinking rabble danced on. one leg and howled with glee; but the -wise bunch butted their heads against the wall and chewed the furniture. "He is losing us ten thousand votes with every metaphorl" groaned Davld-lus Davld-lus Hllllus. "Every flight of eloquence Is over tho blood of an army of wasted beer kegs! Per Hercules, but It Is helllus!" And he hid his nose In a flagon fla-gon of Falernlan and wept bitter tears "What a pltyl" sobbed Champlus Clarklus, as Bilious Bryanus fell fainting faint-ing from exhaustion; "what a pity he missed his calling! He should be at the head of a Correspondence School of Oratory!" And then, deep In gloom, we sought the back room of a saloon and ordered a large modicum of The Same. "And what word from Altonlus Par-kus?" Par-kus?" demanded Spurious Jagplus "Has he said aught?" ' "Not a word!" said Cashless Penurious, Penuri-ous, a wan look of hope lighting his haggard face. "There is still hope!" said Spurious Jaggius. And with this ray of comfort over our souls we accumulated a mutual mu-tual Jag and forgot the woes of the first day at the convention. Lowell Otus Reese In Leslie's Weekly. |