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Show Mk WIhiaiM9ysa by Rick Drough X jf Star Trek IV: The wrath of Garn THE WAY IT COULD HAVE BEEN: Admiral's Log, Stardate 24.2.52: The Enterprise is engaged in a routine mission, traveling to the colony on Romilar-Seven to deliver vitally-needed anti-acid tablets. This corner of the galaxy is historically peaceful. It is so dull, in fact, that the Romulans have paid us in dilithium crystals to take it off their hands. This sector is avoided by tourists. Even the Federation takes an interest only because of Romilar Seven's vital supplies ofcellulite. So why do I have this sense that we are sharing this space with someone else an interloper? The answer was not long in coming. Kirk answered an urgent call from the bridge. As he settled into the commander's chair, the first thing he noticed was the concerned look on the face of Captain Chekhov. "Kaptin," said the staunch little Russian, "sensors shows a satellite out of control, traveling alongside us at 3.4 parsecs." At his post, Commander Spock said, "One life form aboard, Admiral. Sensor shows it is hooked up to monitoring equipment and is emitting a signal." Kirk snapped, "Pick that up, Sulu. What do you get?" A baffled expression crossed Sulu's face. "It sounds like bowel sounds, Admiral. Punctuated by small methane explosions." "You mean something is breaking wind on our hailing frequency across the galaxy? I want answers, gentlemen. Scotty, beam the satellite aboard." "I dinna know if we got the power, Admiral. Those methane bursts are straining the engines ! " When Kirk reached Shuttle Deck m, where large objects were beamed aboard, he saw one of the strangest sights he'd ever encountered. A bald-headed alien was pacing up and down, berating Scotty and his crewmen. The letters N-A-S-A were emblazoned on his baggy uniform. "I'm fed up, I tell ya, I'm just fed up to here. First they hook these wires up to my intestines, recording every burp and belch. And they don't even feed you decent chow up here just pills and tube paste. Then the crew treats me like I'm some chimpanzee. "Then the crew says, 'The satellite's jiggling a little, Jake. Why don't you go out and check on it. Here's a wrench, Jake. Just go in and tighten a few nuts, Jake. We'll wait for you.' The next thing I know, I'm in there alone, and they've blasted off! "Who are you guys? Why are you running around in those fruity tight long-johns?" "You're on the U.S.S. Enterprise. I'm Admiral James T. Kirk." "I'm Garn." "Gorn? The lizard-like creature I faced on Planet Zeta Minor?" "No, I said Garn. And you you're T.J. Hooker. I remember you. You over-act a lot." j .Kirk sensed a threat. "Set your phasers on kill." - "No, Admiral," said; Spock. "We should study this life Jorm. Exactly what is your purpose here," he asked the alien. ,I "I told you," said the Garn. "They hooked up these things to record my intestinal sounds in space. You , know digestion, regurgitation, even eliminating J waste." "Fascinating. Eliminating waste? You mean--" ! "Yes. I boldly go where no man has gone before!" Spock sensed a bad joke. "Set your phaser on kill, Admiral." Though they were tempted to shoot, Kirk and his crew kept the bald one alive. It wasn't easy. Dr. McCoy was at ' his wits' end. For the first time, he met someone who was ', grouchier than he. "Besides, I can't find his heart, dammit," said Bones. The Garn constantly complained ' that it was starving, and said the ship's food looked like ! something called "rabbit pellets." He pestered the crew ' about their jobs, and the crew complained that the ! skeletal, bald-headed one looked "spooky." Kirk addressed his officers in the conference room. "We have a serious morale problem here. Spock, what do the historical records show?" "Apparently, Admiral, there was a Discovery flight, during which one crew member disappeared. There is no record of the Gam except for a comic strip published at the time. Otherwise, all record of him has been expunged." "Did you try the Vulcan mind-meld on him, Spock?" "I am sorry, Admiral, I couldn't get a grip on his head. It is too slippery." Then Lieutenant Uhura spoke up, "Forget that, Captain. Don't you understand? I love him ! I love him ! " Kirk said, "Uhura, I know you're under stress. In 104 TV episodes, and three movies, you've never had a single love affair! I understand your problem . . . But believe me something tells me this wouldn't work out!" The intercom flashed on. "Gam here, Admiral. I understand Spock is taking a landing party to Romilar Seven. I want to go." Kirk responded, "You're not equipped to do that. You must understand, the interests of the many are more important that the interests of the few, or the one." " Flip the interests of the many. I'm a senator. I wanna go! I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna!" Spock leaned over and whispered, "Admiral, perhaps it would be logical to take him, sir. After all, most crewman refuse to go with you or I on landing parties anymore. They say that any crew member without 'Guest Star status from the Federation Academy is killed five minutes after landing on any planet." The Admiral sighed, "OK, Garn. You're in." "Oh, Goodie, Goodie, Goodie, Goodie, Goodie, Goodie, Goodie!" When the landing party beamed back, it was bloody and disheveled, but happy to be alive. "It was awful, Admiral," said Spock. "The creature wiped out the Romilar Seven colony, and would have destroyed us too, but the Garn saved us." "What do you mean, Spock. What did the creature look like?" "You recall the Earth food you call a 'burrito,' Admiral? "Yes." "Picture one 40 feet tall, standing on three legs, slobbering, with fangs." "Oh. Well, what happened?" "The Gam frightened it to death. He is, as you emotional Earth people say, "spooky looking." Then he ate it." "Spock, Tve learned a lesson here. There is some value in any alien life form even Republicans. Nevertheless, I believe he should go back to his own time. Scotty has devised a way to send him back. Send Gam to the transporter room. Where is he, anyway?" . 'In the ship's latrine, sir." ... (UPI) The Discovery crew landed safely today to a 'tumultous welcome, overcoming problems with one of their satellites and unexplained "hang-ups" with Senator Jake Gam. According to reliable sources, NASA monitoring equipment "blew out" while recording Sen.-Garn's Sen.-Garn's digestive activities. "Geez," said a technician, "the needles ran off the gauges and smashed into the floor. It's like he'd been eating Mexican food all the time he was up there!" "Submit for your approval a star-ship admiral and his crew who thought they had encountered every kind of strange life form, until they meet a pushy 20th-century solon with an Air Force rank, a subcommittee chairmanship and a reserve of gall only matched by his taste for South-of the border cuisine. A little lesson that 'Strangeness is in the eye of the beholder." For it is the Enterprise that has escaped a dire fate. And it is we who are still stucfe in The Twilight Zone. |