Salt Lake Herald-Republican | 1891-03-01 | Page 9 | Newest and Best

iiEWEST AND BEST Good Stories Told by Some of our Prominent Men A KIBTICKLINGr TOURNAMENT The Yarns are Contributed by Harrison Morton Blaine Wanamaker Hill Cleveland Gould and Bill Nye NEW YORK Feb 291S9L Special correspondence cor-respondence ot THE HERALD The most novel symposium ever printed is the following fol-lowing collection of good stories told by famous Americans stories that lose much in being read instead of being heard but ribticklers nevertheless The gentlemen who tell these stories and convulse their hearers have many other stories that they j tell first and in case they do not cause the hilarity expected the speakers reputation as a wit is staked on the stories annexed Each story as told is the best in the gentle mans repertoire as the saucy soubrette would put it and they never fail to bring forth showers of laughter BAIUUSOX TELLS A HOB STORY President Harrison very seldom indulges in a joke or story unless he knows his hearers well One day he surprised his hearers by telling the following story to illustrate il-lustrate a point There was a man who had a way of taking tak-ing his own advice and doing things to get even He was a hog dealer and one season he drove a large number of hogs to Indianapolis Indian-apolis a distance of one hundred miles from his home although he was told he could get nearly as much for them at a town nearer Arriving at Indianapolis he fouhd that the price of hogs had gone down He kept them in the city nearly month and finally was offered a higher price than he could get nearer home He wanted a high price and declared he would drive the hogs back home which he did at a considerable cost Then be sold them at home at a price very much less than that offered in this city One of his friends asked him why he had noted so unwisely 0 I wanted to get even with them hog buyers buy-ers ho replied jI1I But did you get even Well they didnt get my hogs What pray did you get out of the transaction trans-action Get Why bless your thickskulled bead I got the society of the hogs back home VICEPRESIDENT MORTONS BULL STORY Vicepresident Morton now and then perpetrates per-petrates a joke or story by way of illustration illustra-tion upon his listeners He knows it well hy heart before he begins Not far from where I live in the country there is a farmer noted for his fine large cattle Durhams and Alderneys roam over his extensive lands and people come from a long distance to view his stock But visitors vis-itors have to bo careful about walking around alone in the clover fields on account of the number of ferocious bulls owned by the farmer A certain majorgeneral who was very proud of his title visited a neigh bar of the farmer and one day he strolled out and began to cut across the clover fields in order to save a little distance Before he knew what was up a big bull bellowing and shaking his head began to chase him The general was a swift runner and he made good time in front of the pursuing animal But the animal was swift too and every time the general would get near a fence the bull was too close for him to even attempt to climb over At last tho general made a bee line fora gate near the farmers house and reaching it in time shut off the bull from further pursuit The farmer it seems was there and had witnessed the chase The general all out of breath said between gasps I Sir sir did you see your bull chasing I me Yes said the farmer suppressing a smile Is that all you have to say Do you know whom that bull was chasing You I guess Do you know who I am sir I am General Gen-eral Blank Wall why didnt you tell the bull that curtly retorted the farmer BLAIJTE AND THE FREt TICKET MAN James G Blaine is fond of spicing conversation con-versation with a story This is one that he has made do duty more than once A man accepted free ticket to a theatre The play was not a good one and the actors were thoroughly in accord with the standard stand-ard of the play At the end of the first act there were groans and hisses and other vehement ve-hement expressions of disapproval on the oart of tho audience The free ticket man sat still and seemed satisfied When the second act began it proved to he worse than the first and nearly every one in the audience audi-ence groaned their utter disgust except the free ticket man Finally a man who sat near the free ticket man said My friend are you disgusted with the playYes Yes very much Then why the deuce dont you groan and hissI cant do it decently I am here on a free ticket given by the head of the theatrical I theatri-cal company If the play grows worse r will go out after the next act buy a ticket and come back and express my disapproval I in a vehement way WANAMAKERS BEBOKE PostmasterGeneral Wanamaker is given to illustrating feje Geaversatiea wit 0 0 0 0 0 minted stories Once he rebuked some of I his Sunday school boys for laughing at a i deaf nays mistake in answering misunder stood questions and related this story I Now little boys it is not right to laugh or make sport of affliction I knew of a deaf man once who was disposed to be parsimonious simonious He was fond of society and a confirmed bachelor He gave a banquet to some young ladies and young gentlemen ho elite of the city For convenience I will call the bachelor Brown When the banquet was nearly over one of the boldest of the youngest men arose to toast Mr Brown The latter stood up all smiles hut he could not hear a word that was spoken He only knew it was about him hat the toast was being said The young scapegoat said ii IIr Here is to you you old miser Brown You are no better than a tramp and it is suspected that you make your money dishonestly dis-honestly My wish is that you may get your just desserts yet and land in the penitentiary peni-tentiary The deaf Mr Brown smiled raised his glass to his lips and said The same to you A GOOD ONE BT CLEVELAND When Grover Cleveland was governor he was fond of telling humorous stories to illustrate a point It is said he got off a good thing on a certain exassemblyman who dropped in to see him about the time the newspapers were exposing the job in the contract for putting in a new ceiling in the Albany capitoL Itappears that all during dur-ing the days of Boss Tweed this exassem blyman was in tho Lower House and fought ahainst jobbery and against the boss Mr Cleveland was listening to the comments com-ments of the exassemblyman about the substitution of a papiermache ceiling for oaken one when all at once with a smile on his face he interrupted his visitor thusly What is the difference between the assembly as-sembly now and when you were a member mem-ber berWe We were ruled by a Democratic boss and now by a Republican boss ventured he exmember Oh no When you were a member the fraud was on the floor now it is in the ceiling ceil-ing said Mr Cleveland GOVEBNOR HILLS STORY OF TWO ENGLISHMEN ENGLISH-MEN Governor Hill is a good storyteller Two Englishmen who had been bosom friends came to America They met with poor success suc-cess drifted apart ana finally one took a position as waiter in a cheap restaurant He had not been there long before his friend appeared at the dinner The meeting was not overjoyful Why old man you down to a waiter ch1 Gracious how you have fallen And in a Bowery restaurant too Yes replied tho waiter turning on his J 0 1i I 0 q0J friend sarcastically But I dont eat here thank God now A SOLDIER FEELS IN BATTLE General Russell A Alger of Detroit do snot s-not often illustrate his conversation with a humerous story Now and then he does and the following is one of his favorites Four ministers stopped at my house in Detroit once during a conference meeting and one evening they asked me if the glory of brave deeds celebrated in song did not have a powerful influence in stimulating soldiers to emulate heroes of history I said notat all Then they wanted to know what was the sentiment that took possession posses-sion of the soldier as he went into battle I answered that just three words were often uttered by soldiers in fighting and they embraced em-braced all the sentiment and poetry of a warriors nature For example in my division there was a certain colonel known for his religious views and orthodox ways He would not do anything to violate the Sabbath and never was known to utter an oath or any word on the cuss order I thought he was a Miss Nancy kind of a soldier and was afraid he would not be any use in battle except assist in a quick and successful retreat One day in a big battle I saw a regiment in the thickest of the fight and the colonel with his sword in hand on foot his horse having been shot in front cheering his men and urging them on I rode up rapidly and the words that that I good orthodox colonel was using made me smileGive Give em hell 1 Give em hell boys P he would yell at each volley Why colonel I said I am surprised at your language you our best Christian Waving his sword ho replied Well that is just what I mean and just what I feel give em hell 1 These are the three words of sentiment that a soldier feels like uttering in battle JAMES GORDON BENNETT AND THE IMPS This is one of James Gordon Bennetts prime stock stories as ho relates it When Irving was playing in Faust in this country he made it very realistic by employing a large number of suoernumar ies who alternately appeared as angels and then as imps of darkness One of the grand scenes is where the imps of darkness descend de-scend At a signal from Mephisto the imp began to scamper and get down below through a trap door Many had gone down below when a big fat fiftyceutsanigh imp started down He was too large for the trap door and got stuck In vain he tried to push himself down An Irishman in the gallery leaned forward and said Thank God hells full TALMAGE AND THE HUMAN VOICE Rev T DeWitt Talmage is fond of any story that will illustrate a sermon or beautify beau-tify a moral Here is one that he tells now and then in his own original way A German family emigrated from the Fatherland to this country and settled in Milwaukee The oldest boy in his teens concluded he would start out for himself Finally ho brought up in Now York city and soon spent all the money the old man had given him Then he wrote his father this kind of an appeal Dear Father I am sick and lonely without a cent Send me some money quick Your son John Now the father was illiterate and could not read so he went to a great strapping H butcher and asked him to read the letter 0 0 S rhe butcher had a gruff way of reading and I loud voice When he finished reading obns letter the father was furious and I declared ho would not send a penny even if I the boy starved to death He had never heard of such an impudent demand for money On his way home the father thought the butcher might have made a mis take in reading and a desire to hear the letter read again overcame him A consumptive umptive baker with a low falling inflection tion was next asked to read the sons letter let-ter When he concluded the father said with tears in his eyes My poor boy Ill send him all the money he wants The baker had read word for word the letter as it was read by the butcher You see my dear friends that there is a great deal in the human voice THE BILL WILL TAKE HIS BREATH AWAY Henry Watterson is quick in repartee and now and then perpetratas a good thing on the spur of the moment He met in Vashihgton at the Riggs house the celebrated cele-brated poet and lobbyist Colonel Dick Win ersmith The latter was in a gastronomic quandary and told Mr Watterson that he Wintersmith had an idea of ordering a dinner of fine beefsteak and onions He was skeptical as to whether the Riggs house could serve a dinner of onions and beefsteak that would have real onions and yet leave no offensive odor upon his breath Colonel Dick I can tell you what to do said Watterson What is that Why go to John Chamberlins and order beefsteak and onions and when you pay your bill it will take your breath away GENERAL SHERMANS TURKEY STORY General William Tecumseh Sherman tells good stories When I was with the army in Georgiaa slave owner one Xmas missed a fat turkey He suspected a fine looking colored man and had him brought before him You have stolen my turkey and eaten it said the irate master Ise not gwine to say I didnt when you says I did massa I ought to do something to you What have you got to say why I should not pun ish you 1 Well massa you haint los anything particular You see you had a little less turkey and a good deal more nigger And the master had to acknowledge the philosophy of his slave and let him go unpunished un-punished SENATOR INGALLS AND THE DRUNKEN MAN Senator Ingalls is prolific with apt anecdotes anec-dotes and stories A man considerably intoxicated got into a street car and hung on to a strap There was enough room for him to sit down but one gentleman had spread himself so as to occupy two seats The man holding the strap said to him Sayhic my frenhic wish you hicwould move You are drunk answered the party on the seat who refused make room I know ithic was the reply but hicIll get over it Yourehica hog sirbicandll neverhlCget over it I THE WITTY IRISHMAN AGAIN Edwin Booth the melancholy Dane is very entertaining when he enjoys a brief convalesenca from dyspepsia Here is one of the jokes he tells on Fecnter who played a round of characters this country I went one night to hear Fechter in a melodrama of a tragic cast In one part of the play Fechter had to count out money He was very deliberate and said slowly One two three four five and so on The interest of the play was hanging on tho tragedians having lost enough money and paying it over to the villian > He kept slow iy UUUQUGK mm Tuo auaience grew more restless and anxious for him to finish A I witty son of Erin in the topmost gallery getting tired yelled I Say Mister Fechter give him a check l SENATOR MATT QUAY AND THE DOCTOR Senator Quay of Pennsylvania is popularly popu-larly supposed to have a keen appreciation of piscatorial yarns but occasionally he tells a joke that it is not related to the finny tribe at all The following is one he often relates Isaacson was ailing and sent for his doctor doc-tor As soon as the doctor arrived Isaac son began to talk about death Pooh nonsense Isaacson you will live to be a hundred soothingly said the doctor doc-tor Veil doctor you are wrong The Lord will never take me at von hundred when he can get me at seventysix I JAY GOULDS STORY Jay Gould always has something witty or humorous to say A rich and exacting man had a colored servant boy employed named Jim Thi Jim was expected to be on hand all the time One fine morning Jim was absent and his employer went to his old fathers house and asked for the boy The father said Boss you cant have Jim any more Why what is the matter I will have himOh Oh no boss you cant have Jim Well why cant H uKase hes dead AN ENGLISHMAN COULD NOT SEE IT Little Marshall P Wilder the famous merrymaker is perennial and has a humorous humor-ous skit for every hour of the day This is one of his latest illustrative of an English mans appreciation of humor I have been in England and I have studied stud-ied English humor Its fundamental principles prin-ciples are not related to the American art cle that raises a cyclone of laughter An Englishman was dining at a swell hotel out west and after he finished his regular dinner din-ner he asked for sweets A waiter from the Bowery had gone west for employment and was waiting on the particular table at which the Englishman sat And what is sweets sur asked tho waiter The Englishman finally explained that he meant dessert puddings etc Weavo apple and mince pie said the Bowery man I Give me mince pie Whats del matter wid der apple pie asked the waiter in a hard Idontcare continental tone of voice Many heard tho remark and laughed An hour later I happened to meet the Englishman and he asked me if I heard the waiter ask him what was tho matter with the apple pie I said Yes Then the Englishman Eng-lishman naively asked me Well what was the matter with the apple ap-ple pie WANTED GOLDEN SHOES ExCongressman William Scott the millionaire mil-lionaire of Erie Pa has a great number of fine horses and anything that pertains to the equine race he appreciates even who it is more or less of a facetious nature He occasionally tells the following A gentleman wanted to borrow some money from Mr Isaacs The latter said rather indignantly that he did not lend money unless he had good security FInally the gentleman said he thought he could give security What asked Isaacs A horse Bosh the horse is worth nothing Yes it is Why my horse is seventeen hands high has diamond eyes ruby ears and silver mane A horse of this great value the gentleman thought would be taken as security when Isaacs put an end to the dicker by asking Veil mine frient has dot horse got golden shoes too LEW WALLACE IS FUNNY General Low Wallace the author of Ben fur and exminister was once asked if he had seen Monsieur do Blowitz of Paris tbe correspondent of the London Times He replied I have heard him blow but never seen his wits This is credited as one of the generals Turkish jokes There lived in Stamboul Turkey a welltodo Turk named Ismal Hassam He did not have tho eloquence of I our Ingalls nor the imagination of a Rider Haggard but he was endowed with a ready Oriental wit that stood o him well in band when he was in a tight place A neighbor called upon Ismail one day and wanted to borrow his donkey to use an hour Ismail made a low salaam and said Neighbor I am sorry but my boy started on the donkey an hour ago to Scu tan By now he is gaily trotting over the hIlls far from the sacred precincts of Stam boul Just as Ismail finished his speech a donkeys don-keys loud bray was heard in the stable which was under the same roof as Ismails I house but in the rear The neighbor said Ah I hear your donkey bray Ismail protested that his neighbors ears were deceived and that the noise was not a donkeys bray Then the donkey which was supposed to be jogging along toward Scutari brayed twice loudly It was too much and the neighbor cried Oh that is your donkey Ismail Allah help me I can now borrow him1 Then Ismail said I Which do you believe is lying the donkey or me The neighbor had to give Ismail the benefit bene-fit of the doubt and went away THE SAME REVERSED Now and then Senator Leland Stanford tells a joke and smiles wearily as if he almost al-most regretted it was so humorous Here is an amusing skit of the variety order that he occasionally relates One day I was riding in a street car in San Francisco when I overheard a conver sation between two men that struck me as being peculiarly funny They may have been comedians rehoraing One of them uidWell Well Bob lye got a 300 aovn town Yes What doing 5 Mixing lather Thats queer Ive got a job up town in a barber shop lathering Micks DID NOT WANT HER LOVE IN SECTIONS As a rule Chauncey M Depew has now stories at his finger ends each day It is almost al-most impossible to put in cold type the humor of one of his stories for the chief charm consists in his inimitable way of telling tell-ing them Not long ago a mature spinster called upon the famous afterdinner speaker and asked him to give her some information about real estate He said there were two things he knew nothing about and they were women and real estate This reply amused her and she asked him a number ef questions about people whom they both knew in common After she propounded he folio wing questions about stammering bachelor she asked no more but went her way Where is Mr Blank Mr Depew He is in the city replied the only Chauucey Does ho stammer as much as usual Oh yes worse I believe said the orator ora-tor Strange he never married No it is not strange dear lady Blank courted a lovely girl He told me about his courtship several years after ii occurred He proposed this way Dddddear aaangel I 111love you You neednot proceed artherMrBlank I do not care to be wooed on the installment plan said the proud beauty A GOOD MANY WIVES Colonel Robert G Ingersoll the great agnostic ag-nostic is apt in storiesand some of them have become famous He is never at a loss ior a good story to illustrate any point Not long ago a group of gentlemen in which the colonel was the central figure i were discussing dis-cussing people who have a knack of saying the right thing at the wrong time The colonel said 1 can illustrate that by relating a case in point which occurred i in a western state A welltodo mercnanc rir jjnoinpson iiv ing in a town noted for itsmalaria and funerals fun-erals whenever his wife died would go into an adjoining county and marry again He had married his fourth wife and taken her to the malarial town to enjoy quinine and domestic felicity when as the novelists say this story begins A loquacious lady in the healthy county was in the habit of assisting Mr Thompson to find some eligible eligi-ble young woman willing to marry him and takffher chances Some six months after he married his fourth wife ho appeared again in the healthy county The loquacious loqua-cious lady greeted him and said Hows your wife Mr Thompson Sheis dead he replied sadly What dead again cried the loquacious woman in surprise BILL NYES HOTEL EXPERIENCE Bill Nye tells a good many funny stories but he considers the following his best because be-cause it is true and happened to himself I was barn storming once m a smal town in Texas and went to the leading hotel for dinner Thelardercontained only a tough piece of steak so I had that and a cup of bootleg coffee When the bill was handed me I asked the proprietor who was also waiter and cashier how much owed himTwo dollars I was the calm reply Two dollars I said for what For the steak and coffee But that is outrageous I answered I can get a really good steak and coffee and other things too in New York for 1 What makes you charge so muhc Well to tell you the truth I need the money A TRAMP STORY BY GENERAL PORTER General Horace Porter is a noted after dinner speaker and has a fund of anecdotes and humorous incidents Here is one of his stories Lady to Boston TrampAnd now you want something to eat I Boston TrampYes lady you are religi i ously correct in your surmise LadyDid you saw that wood Boston TrampOh dont say that lady but put it this way Did you see that wood ONE OF TOM OCHILTRBES BEST The worldfamous raconteur Thomas P Ochlltree is never at a loss to adorn an otherwise commonplace conversation with a story of thrilling adventure narrow escape es-cape or humorous incident Recently at the Hoffman house a number of men were telling of narrow escapes when the colonel told of a close place he got into as follows Gentlemen I was with General Dick Taylor when he operated against General Banks in the transMississippi department It was shortly after the battle of Pleasant Hill and Banks was retreating to Grand Ecore One day wo got near General Banks army and General Taylor asked me to head a squadron df cavalry and charge I was mounted on a coalblack horse and when I rode out to take command of the squadron I never thought to come back from the charge alive We had to charge across an open field a distance of a mile and a half I drew my sword put spurs on my horses sides and dashed forward ordering the cavalry follow SomE QOOO of Banks 1 f 1 infantry wore drawn up in line just on the edge of the field awaiting attack Of course when I started I did not know that 20000 men were waiting to give a warm welcome to a handful of cavalry When within 300 yardsof the Federals I raised in my stirrups and yelled to the squadron to follow me I expected to hear each caval ryman yell but to my dismay all was silent I turned my head to look when horror upon horror I the squadron was over a mile from me in swift retreat I had been riding across the field alone thinking they were right behind me They had evidently seen the thousands waiting to pour a storm of shot into us and had retreated but I didnt see them as I am nearsighted Of course I saw them when I yelled A gleam of bay onets extended for miles right in front of me My horse trembled Iheld my breath expecting to be mowed down in a second Turning my horse rode leisurely back and not a shot was fired at me My horse died with nervous prostration half an hour after I got back Why didnt the Fedral army fire upon me learned afterwards that hey were ordered to fire but no soldier was pusillanimous enough to shoot one man who had the courage to charge 20000 Gentleman I believe in human nature and the nobility of the volunteer soldier since that event TIlE CABBY WAS CAREFUL General Porter has the infinite jest backed by a capacious fund of anecdote to make him one among the best equipped off of-f speakers A presiding officer said of him introducing him to an audience All you have to do is to drop a dinner in the slot and up comes a speech This is one of the Generals ready hits in his own style I New England speakers have said that the Puritans were always reformers and missionaries among the people with whom they came in contact I noticed recently an item in the public press an evident reference to this disposition 06the Pilgrim whenever he ran up against anybody to attempt tempt to show him just how near he was to the borders of the hereafter The item referred erred to announced that the Puritan had collided with Hell Gate Whenever the modern J ew Englander gets a man just on that border edge and it is seen that someone some-one is going over the precipice he always takes care that he is not the person He is as conservative in this respect as was tile night cabdriver standing in front of a house in which there was a dinner party A man came out of the house staggered across the sidewalk laying out more zig zags than did our patriotic sires at the siege of Yorktown opened the door of the cab and threw himself on the seat The driver inquired Where will I go son To hell I muttered the man Inside After cabby had driven along for sometime some-time not geing yet intimately acquainted with the topography of the torrid country mentioned inquired again Where am I to take you sor To hell P mumbled the passenger Coachy scratched his head pondered over he situation and finally said I beg your pardon SOl but can I backup back-up when I land you General Porter tells a good story about his going to Europe for the first time As soon as I landed in Ireland I attempted tempted to look for traces of some of my ancestors who came from the extreme North of Ireland Meeting an intelligent looking Irishman I informed him of my mission saying that my ancestors emigrated emi-grated from about that spot a hundred years ago and that I was there trying to look them up Ho answered Ye say your ancestors migrated from our town to Ameriky about a hundred years ago Thin why are yez looking for thim here n