| Show CRAZY MENTORS Rattlebrain Ideas Which Have Been Lately Patented THE TOY COW NOW GIVES MILK A Doll Baby That Sucks Its Bottle Forcing Hens to Lay ElsA Patent Faro Box Other Curiosities I WASHINGTON D C July 3 ISO Special correspondence of THE HERALDJ SI have spent the past week in looking up the freaks of the patent office Side by sideS i side-S with the greatest inventions of the age are classed the craziest off springs of the human brain Today some mighty Edison patents an idea which lights the world and tomorrow some lunatic offers a plan by which all humanity can lift themselves to heaven by their boot straps In looking through the patent office you are surprised at the wisdom and foolishness of a mans intellect The one is as great as the other and from TIlE FOOLI5II POINT OF VIEW it would seem that when an idea of a patent creeps into an inventors house commonsense common-sense flies out of the window Take the department of canes and umbrellas There yrc thousands of canes of all shapes and sizes and one of these is a cane and spittoon spit-toon combined it is patented by Myron L Baxter of Illinois and it states that the tobacco chewer has only to suck the head of the cane when he can slip his saliva into it to tho extent of hal a pint and that his ladylove or the preacher need know nothing noth-ing of it This cane said he is of great advantage during the continuance of religious relig-ious services lectures or other entertainments entertain-ments Its top is made in the shape of a dogs head and the opening for the expectoration expec-toration is made in tho mouth of the dog Another cane has an eyeglass attached t its head and a third is so arranged that the drinking man may carry his allowance of whisky inside Of it dnd take his nip on the sly There are caneuinbrellas sword Cines and pistolcanes and canes which are so jointed that they can be formed iuto the S legs of a stool of such U nature that the j pedestrian can sit down and take a rest during his wrhlt Some of the greatest fortunes are made out of patent toys and there are atloreu toy inventors who have made fortunes during dur-ing the last twenty years Among these are Crandall who got up the PIGS IN THE CrOVERPD2ZLE Plimpton tho man who invented the roller skates the inventor of the reluming ball and others There are perhaps yOOO toys in one division of the patent ollicc and ouo of the latest and craziest curiosities is a doll baby which sucks tie bottle This doll is patented by Rudolph SteIner of German aea it consist of a doll baby sitting sit-ting on a pan with a bott 1lcd with gel uine milk 01 a ltte tbe 1 front of it A rubber tube connects with the glass pipe which runs into the bjltlcs and going into the mouth of the doll down dol runs own behind and through the doll into the pan By S means of a syphon which comes cut through the dolls head machinery is set t work by which the doll begins to such and tho milk Jlows up into its mouth and out into the nan No sensible mother would ever think of buying such a toy for her child and it would bo the dirtiest and slop piest of amusement Still this man Steiner thought so much of it that he patented I pat-ented it both in Germany and In America S and he evidently expect t get fortune out of It Another toy of much the same order is the toy cow whrh can bo milled This cow is made of wood or metai aad it has u tank inside of i ju where the bag of the i cow usually is Tere arc four uilncrs connected con-nected with this und ttieso have little valves in them so that squeezing them a certain amount of milkJlows out each time Of course the tank must lirst be filled with milk and this is done through a pipe that runs up from the tank to the tail of the cow The inventor states that tho action of milking milk-ing is exactly the same as that of the real cow and he has in addition ai iron wiro S which connects witu the jaws of the cW and runs back to this tack so that Dolly chows her cud while her Dol S whie l teats arc being puledTUE TUE irTCMiATin CAT S was granted u patent iu IBSi and it i a cat pasteboard or lln for the purpose of EriirUtening rats or lafoa Tisis cat i to be ensile in r sitting posture and it is painted D r itl hospherous so that it shuies in S the dark like a cat of lire Its inventor itale that it ought to bo perfumed with oil = D eppermiaU which te obnoxious t rats 55 itjitiiice and that while it does servo to Tftihferoacnbj avtxv in the dark i maybe may-be IliO Ssto form a vryusi3f lparlor orunmcul in the daytime Another cut Dually a funny4s the patent sheetiron S 4 S 1Jtj S cat which is worked by clockwork and which has a bellows inside of it which swells up its tail to the size of the maddest of felines I properly set it will emit a noise equal to the wildest of living midnight mid-night Thomases and it has in addition steel claws and teoti You wind it up and place it on your roof and set it to howling All the cats in the neighborhood jump for it and its poison claws kills every ono it strikes I There are numerous patents containing the principle of the illuminated cat Luminous Lumin-ous harness has been patented so that a horse being driven at night looks like a sheet of cUain lightning and you think ELIJAHS CHARIOT HAS COME TO EARTII again There are luminous match boxes and luminous ghosts to scare away grave robbers The patents to protect the dead are especially funny After every noted grave robbery metallic coffins come in by the scores and I looked at one coffin surrounded sur-rounded by bars of wrought iron binding the casket and extending from it at such a distance that when set in tho earth it would be impossible to move it except by a derrick der-rick A New York man has invented a coffin torpedo consisting of a canister of powder balls and a trigger and he warrants war-rants it t kill any person who attempts to open the grave in which it is placed He does not reflect that in this day of changing grave yards some of the generations of the future may want to remove their forefathers forefath-ers and may to their great surprise bog bo-g en an immediate introduction to them through his torpedo A Massachusetts Yankee has patented a dynamite bomb which he places in tho tomb This would shoot tie grave robber up to heaven and it I is equally probable that it might send both coffin and the corpse down to the other place There are hundred of patents for different kinds of embalming juice and the embalming juice inventors fought over General Grants body at Mt McGregor in order t demonstrate the virtue of their various fluids One of these fuids some years ago sent a model consisting of a coffin with an embalmed baby in it to the patent office and was very indignant because the commissioner com-missioner would not put this dead baby on exhibition SPEAKIXG OF cornxs calls attention to medical patents Doctors mistakes are generally buried and some of tho inventions here show the means by which men are taken out of the world in trying to remain in it The medical patents are of every description One of the most ridiculous was referred to in a recent speech in Congress I is a tapeworm trap I and its inventor isaman named 1Iyre who claims he has had great success in catching tape worms with it I consists of a gold I capsule about half an inch long and asbig round as a lead nencil At the end of this capsule there is a little ring and to this a silk thread is tied By pulling the capsule apart you set a spring a good deal like that of the oldfashioned steel tooth rat trap and this spring baa teeth just like the rattrap rat-trap You bait it with a little bit of cheese starve yourself for about three days and then swallow the trap maintaining all the while a careful hold of the thread attached to it Your tape worm which by this time is very bungrymakes a greedy dash for the cheese and presto the jaws of the capsule spring together on his head and you draw I him out hand over hand and sei your trap for the next worm Another trap for worms is a little silver hook which one swallows and which catches the worms as we catch fish THE INVENTIONS 1OU SMOKERS I are somany that a division of the patent omce has to be given up to them There are dozens of devices by which a man may carry his cigars around in his hat and the pipes arc legion One of the most curious of pipa inventions is 3 rest or brace by I which the weight of the pipe is taken oil I the teeth and rested on the chin This is I said t be a very good pipe for sore teeth but it is doubtful whether it would be of I much use to the ordinary smoker There I mire umbrellas which can be turned into pipes and pipes whi h can be turned into canes and there arc perhaps a hundred inventions in-ventions for the cutting off of ends of cigars some of which are probably valuable IX AGlllCULTUK PATENTS the human brain has gone wild The old cannon plow has been often referred to by I which the farmer takes his horses out oft of-t the furrow and shoots at the Indians The lovers gate however is new and this consists con-sists of 1 gate which will swing both ways and which can be lowered and raised to suit tho size of the lovers On the same principal princi-pal is the adjustable pulpits which will lit I all kinds of preachers The pulpit runs up and down on a pillar by 1 spring and by pressing a button tho preacher can raise it to Ills height or lower it to suit I is said tlmt this invention was In use in one of the western congregations and that a short preachei bad been invited to discourse but had not lisen told of the peculiar arrangement ar-rangement upon which the Bible was placed in front of him He was a very active little mau and he had a way of pounding his pulpit and leaning over and shaking his linger at the congregation During ono of his wildest moment while in this position 11u kicked tho button with his knee and the pulpit which had been set at three feet straightway sprung up to six carrying the 1 I preacher kicking along with it I There is a patent machine here for i roncixG IIEXS TO LAY EGGS and there aro numerous ones for the prevention pre-vention of their eating their own eggs or breaking thorn Many of the patent hens nests have five or six also eggs glued to the bottoms and the innocent hen drops her I egg on a trap which lets it slide down into a box beneath whereupon the trap springs back and the nest is ready for a second lay ing There is one branch of the patent office known a that of cowtail holders The festive cow is apt to flirt her tail while she is being milked and as the tail is not always of the cleanest this is offensive to the pretty milk maid Many of these cow tail holders strap the tail to the hind leg of the cow others fasten it to a beam over her head and still others weight the tail in such a way that if the weights were attached to a strongtailed cow she might blow out the brains of the milker There are patents for horses tails as well as cows tails and I the science of making a horses tail extend out from the body at just the proper angle is one which has bothered the intellects of many patentees Most of these patents are superior to the old Plan of tying a chestnut burr under the horses tail but they are all ridiculous and impracticable The most curious among them however is the patent pat-ent of a Yankee who has invented an Adjustable Ad-justable False Tail for Horses He claims in his specifications that this tail will puzzle and mystify the keenest critics of horseflesh horse-flesh and that with it the bobtailed horse or the rubtailed horse becomes quite as valuable as he whose tail reaches to his feet feetOther Other patents are those FOR TRAINING HORSES and in many of these the hind legs of the horse are strapped up to belts around his body and some are so complicated that they would frighten a highstrung animal to death A western man has patented a shield t prevent horse from being cut by wire fences and this consists of a sort of armour of padded cotton or leather which is strapped around the neck breast and front legs of the horse Another way of preventing horses from hurting themselves on these fences is found in the electrical division The wires are charged with electricity and when the horse goes against them he gets a shock which drives him back In the same division there is an electrical plan for proventing horses from curbing The manger is charged with electricity and the moment the horse attempts to curb ho gets a shock Then there is a chicken hob I bier consisting of a spring attached to a hens leg which if the hen attempts to I scratch will move it onward and will in fact walk it right out of tho garden There is a bedbug buster by which the insects I in-sects are gotten a hopper and killed by chloroform and there is also the tumbler fly trap through which the flies drop into a bath of alkali THE PATENTS TO MAKE WOMEN UEAOTirUL are numerous There are face powders by the hundreds and bustimprovers by the score The nose improver is one of the most curious these crazy patents I has made it i said a fortune for its inventor and it consists of a metal shell formed of two parts which are connected by a hinge The shape of its inside is that of a perfect nose aquiline Roman or Greek as you prefer and it does l its work at night The patent states that the nose should be first well bathed in warm water and then greased with olive oil until it is thoroughly softened After this the improver im-prover is to bo attached and the person using it is to go to bed and sleep until morning morn-ing At first it is said the operation is somewhat painful but this wears off in a few nights and the soft cartilage of the nose soon begins to assume the form of the beautiful shape of the improver At the end of eight weeks you have a brand new nose which remains with you until you get tired of it when you buy a different stylo of improver and come out in D new nose quite different from your last one but still I beautiful A Boston woman has gotten out a patent cheek beautifer hicn takes away all the hollowness and gauntness from an I old maids chops and transforms them into j I tho delicious plumpness of sweet sixteen It consists ol a spring plate with two prongs attached to it This plate is fastened fast-ened into tie teeth at night and the prongs reaching out from both sides prop out tho cheeks so that the lose their hollow bolt and grow round and young again This same woman has a patent way of making the lingers tapering and elegant by means of coaipresMon and she calls her patent The Finger Compress Restaurant keepers have long been troubled as to how to GET EVEN WITH THEIR BOARDERS Josephine Doriat of New York has gotten out a patent for them It consists of a table and stools both of which run on an endless chain Tho diner comes in takes a seat on u stool pays his 25 cents for his meal and it is set before him The table then begins to move and the man moves along with it I continues to move him along till b gets to the outer end of the room and at this time he is supposed to have finished his meal for his dishes slide off around a wheel and his stool slide out with him There is an endless chain of these stools aud the procession of diners and dinners goes on continuously The inventor in-ventor states that her improvement materially mater-ially reduces the number of waiters necessary neces-sary for a restaurant It avoids delay in serving meals and prevents any undue lingering guests at the table on the part of the T tiE IS A PATENT IAKO BOX in theraodel room and there are patent dice boxes and card games One of tho dice boxes throws up tho dico by means of a spring and tho throwing is done under a glass case ao that it is impossible to cheat S10 with them Curious boob jacks form another an-other large class of patents and one of these consists of an iron affair made in the shape of a pistol which you can carry in your hip pocket and frighten a robber with upon any occasion There is also a patent pocketbook with a pistol inside of it When the robber asks you for your money or your life you hand out your pocket book and shoot him through tho heart Other patents pat-ents are still mdre ridiculous and tho man who looks for cranks on his road through the patent office will come to think that inventors in-ventors are fool and their patents are humbugs hum-bugs The serioufe side is however the greatest sideof the ntitent office and this I may discuss hereaffen FRANK > G CARPENTER CO BONNERUD Contractor and Builder All Kinds of Mason Work a Specialty ESTIMATES GIVEN PROMPTLY Address Salt Lake City KELLY CO DRINTERS p PRINTERS R MAKERS S 1 AND STATIONER U1 No 46 W SECOND SOUTH ST Salt Lake City U TOUR TIE facilities for doing first class Jpb Printing OUR Prtlg arc of the newest and best 4 BOOKS Ruled Printed and Sound to Order IS Samples of Railroad Mining Bank and Mercantile Work always on hand iPlOMPI > 15TE line of Office Supplies embracing C the most approved aborsavlng and economical econ-omical inventions PRICES LOW OALL ON U5 i jOS WH TAYLOR I The Leading Undertaker and Embalmer I My Coffins and Caskets are the Finest MS Prices the Lowest I WHOLESALE AN RETAIL Embalming and Shipping a Specialty doing my own Embalming and having my own Morgue t Telegraph or Telephone Orders Day or Night receive Immediate Attention 1 Telephone 351 Zi 23 S West TemDle St t I I |
