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Show rni.Phillipr ELMER TW ITCH ELL ON A SIMPLIFIED TAX BLANK - ("Congressmen Discuss Simplified Tax Blank." Headline.) Congressman Now, Mr. Twitch-ell, Twitch-ell, you are aware that we are looking look-ing for ideas for making the income tax blank simpler. Have you any suggestions? Elmer Yes, sir. First of all I would propose that the double-edged steel scraper be eliminated. Congressman There i3 no 6teel scraper in the tax blank. Elmer Well, whatever the thing is that draws blood in the first three paragraphs! Congressman Nothing in the income in-come tax blank draws blood. Proceed! Pro-ceed! Elmer I'm just judging by the color. How about cutting out the electrodes? Congressman What electrodes? Elmer Now don't tell me they're not in the present tax blank! I can show you my burns. Congressman Please get down to fundamentals, Mr. Twitchell. Have you, seriously, any constructive ideas for a simple blank? Elmer Of course. . It can be simplified sim-plified In a thousand ways. Yon can start by cutting out that big black heading "FORM 1041. TREASURY TREAS-URY DEPARTMENT, INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE" at the top of the blank. It lowers the taxpayer's taxpay-er's morale and vitality, at the outset. out-set. Congressman There may be something in that. What else? Elmer Why not eliminate all that tripe about full name, street, town, city and state? Congressman How would you cut that? .Elmer Just let a taxpayer give his first name. And only his street address without stating the town or state. That would simplify everything! every-thing! Oh, boy! Congressman How would the government know how to locate the taxpayer? Elmer He wouldn't know. That's why I like the idea. . Congressman Come, come, what else? Elmer 4VeIl, you could drop all parentheses. Most of the trouble comes out of those things in parentheses. paren-theses. And let's have fewer dotted lines. Congressman We have to have those dotted lines for answers. . Elmer How are you gonna make the income tax burden simpler unless un-less you permit taxpayers to make fewer answers? Congressman You have something some-thing there, Mr. Twitchell. Anything else? Elmer Yes. Eliminate all words like fiduciary, net gain, balance, item, schedule, computation, etc. Congressman What words would you substitute? Elmer Well, there's always "Mairzy Dotes." FISHING BY SOUND DEVICE ("Secretary Ickes says that the echo-sounding devices developed in hunting U-boats and torpedoes may be of value to fishermen in locating schools of fish after the war." News Item.) Scene Any Lay. First Fisherman Heave the anchor an-chor and let's see if we HEAR any fish around this spot. Pal Okay. There she goes! First Fisherman Got the fish detector de-tector all set? Second Fisherman Which one, the small one or the big one? First Fisherman Try the little detector first. Wires all set? Okay? Drop the receiver overboard, and put on your ear set. Second Fisherman I'm not very familiar with these gadgets. I always al-ways trusted to luck, not the radio engineers. It's gonna seem funny fishing by phone. Say, how does a fish sound? First Fisherman It's a sort 'of whirring noise. Second Fisherman (excitedly) Whoops! There's something. I just heard a tremendous gurgling noise. First Fisherman That's just a beer bottle I threw overboard. Second Fisherman I think I hear fish now. They sound as if they couldn't make up their mind. It'a a big schooL First Fisherman What wave length? Second Fisherman I thought so. Just a lotta porpoises! Let's move. (They move.) First Fisherman I'm beginning to wonder whether the fishing is poor or whether it's your hearing. Second Fisherman We must have used the wrong bait First Fisherman We are using the wrong amplifiers. The all - time understatement: Marshal Goering looking up at the sky from Berlin and saying, "It looks like we might get a little rain." One of the best lines we have heard in the theater this season: A refugee taunted with the question, "Are you afraid to die?" replies, "No; I am not even afraid to live." Voice at a post office window (now that the new rates have gone into effect) ef-fect) Gimme two stamps . . . and if there's any change keep it |