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Show It's slim pickens in interview with this Halloween spook By MYRA MAINES straiBht an. . . . XT By MYRA MAINES Intrepid reporter I thought skeletons were a dead issue but my boss thought we should resurrect the subject for Halloween. interview with a skeleton for heaven's sake? In order to flush out the information in-formation I had to search all the closets from here to city hall. It took a lot of digging, but I finally unearthed one Mr. D.M. Bones who was rattling around just waiting for Oct. 31. "How on earth do you find access to all those closets? " I asked him . "Well, I've got connections in most of the joints around town, and one of my friends, Fingers, loaned roe a skeleton key," D.M. replied. "Is that all you guys do, just wait around for Oct. 31 every year?" The curious reporter queried. D.M. rose a bit from his reclining position, "No way. I have a job. By the way, all my friends call me 'Dem' " He wouldn't reveal his place of birth, but told us his wife's name was "Bagga" and their small son Was "Slim Pickins." . "My goodness, 'er, where do you work?" "Well, I always wanted to go straight and I almost got on for the church but I found out it was a seminary instead of a cemetery program, so I got a job as an actor in instead" nnd..myth0logy movies instead. Dem" revealed that they were real low-budget films where crews nthing but Skelet0n The eager reporter, now warming to the unusual interview, found out through further questioning that when "Dem" isn't acting in old movies he spends his time hanging around doctors' offices. "When you're not acting, what do you do for a hobby?" "Dem" shifted positions in his comfortable casket, leaned on his elbow and said, "I love exrayted movies. You know, where they take it all off." The reporter choked, '"er, what's your all-time favorite song?" "Oh, 'I've Got You Under My Skin' or 'I Found My Thrill qn BooBury Hill,' "Dem trilled. The courageous. reporter glanced at Dem's spare frame and said, "You do eat, don't you?" "Of course. My meals provide the necessary supplements and nutrients. I'm a survivor. My favorite dishes are spare ribs with hollow weeners on the side. I like to smother them with ketchup; the color whets my appetite, you know?" Dem chortled. Intrigued, the ace reporter asked, "Do you get around much? What is your favorite transportation?" "Yeah, I like to cruise .... in my hearse and buggy. It's the only way to go." The impervious Sherlock continuing con-tinuing his relentless questioning, asked, "You're so, 'er, clean looking. Is taking a shower a problem for you? You know, the drain and all?" "No showers," Dem answered emphatically. "I like to stay bone dry. A little dusting does it." Wondering if Dem ever got lonesome, the reporter asked, "Do you and your friends get together much?" "Sure. We get together for skull sessions all the time. Somebody's always got a bone to pick with us. Last Halloween we had some marrow escapes. We just got out our socket wrenches and knuckle busters and went to work. We took care of it." Thinking he'd better get back to safer subjects, Ace asked, "What are your favorite movies? " Dem answered instantly, "This is Spinal Tap.' I also like to read. My favorites are Stephen King's 'The Skeleton Crew' and 'Pet Semetary.' " Curious about a skeleton's love life, the reporter queried, "What is your favorite perfume?" Dem actually sat up then. "I like 'White Shoulders.' " And, anticipating an-ticipating the next question, "Yes, I like girls. I'm kinda waiting for Twiggy. There's something intriguing in-triguing about her." "Do you consider yourself attractive?" at-tractive?" the avid reporter asked. "With a little spit and polish and a dash of 'Brut,' Yeah, I've got that certain something," Dem grinned, twirling an imaginary mustache! "Is there anything that particularly par-ticularly bothers you, Dem, something you'd like to change? " "Yeah, I don't like the skull and cross bones warning on medicine bottles. It gives us a bad image, like we're poison or sump'n. It's enough to give us skeletons bad vibes." A bit uneasy now, Ace asked, "Do you ha ve a favorite sport? ' ' Dem raised his bones, pretended to be sighting in a rifle, and sneered, "Yeah, deer haunting. Any objections?" "No, 'er, no." the reporter quavered. "What are you most afraid of, Dem?" "Dogs," Dem answered flatly. "Your favorite flowers, Dem?" "Lillies and caraniums, are you through with the interrogation, Bud? , I'm ready to split." And with that, the lid closed, the closet door slammed, and the reporter found himself outside on the ground. He realized that somehow he'd made D.M. Bones very angry, or hungry, or both? He heard a wailing sound, a rattling rat-tling noise, then nothing. Glancing down, he was still clutching his pen, but his notes were lying in shreds by his side. ' |
