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Show MSttk WDaadldll'yffl ,1t,,(,f,(,l,Ta How to dress for disaster If vou see someone walking around Main Street wearing a huge amount of clothing, he may not be preparing for winter. He may not even be going to a game of strip poker. Hes probably preparing for nuclear war! It's all because of a study that was done for the Federal Emergency Management Administration (FEMA). The $174,000 study, from the Lawrence Livermore Lab, said that people could protect themselves from a nuclear blast by jumping into a large body of water wearing as much clothing as possible. FEMA quickly disavowed the study, according to a UPI story, but not soon enough, a representative burst into our offices the other day swaddled up to his chin in clothing. "Hi, FEMA fans!" he said. "I'm here to tell you how to survive nuclear war." "You mean, duck and cover?" we asked. "No, that's old hat," he said. "What you have to do is jump into a large body of water wearing as much clothing as possible." "That's ridiculous! Where are we going to find a pond wrapped in a parka, long johns and a pair of galoshes?" "No, stupid! I mean you wear as much clothing as possible. W hen the warning of nuclear attack is sounded, you should flee, in an orderly fashion, to the Silver Springs lake. Then, just as you see the flash of the nuclear bombs, jump into the water." "What if it's winter? The water will be frozen," we asked. "In that case, you wait for the nuclear blast to melt the ice and then, real quick, you jump in. A little tricky, sure, but any nation that split the atom can also master the split-second timing needed for this maneuver. "Some people may sink quickly to the bottom, especially those who don't know how to swim. But this is not altogether a bad thing, since you should avoid the surface of the water. In some cases, the land may be permanently unlivable. But the odds are that, due to radiation effects, some survivors will develop gills and be able to live permanently underwater. I know. I saw every episode of 'Man From Atlantis.' " Not every Parkite will be able to jump in the Silver Springs lake, he acknowledged. Therefore, residents who have hot tubs should fill their tubs and hide there. FEMA is also experimenting with other insulators besides water. Our friend suggested adding Jello mix to the hot-tub water. "But be sure to jump in before it sets up." The FEMA agency has also been experimenting with yogurt. Malt 'o Meal and huge quantities of Rice Krispies. "But what use is all this?" we asked. "What are the survivors supposed to do after a nuclear holocaust?" "Well, for one thing, you can play a lot of strip poker." We told the FEMA man he should see the town's new fallout shelter. We led him to one of the construction holes at the bottom of Swede Alley. "This is good," he said, stepping into the hole. "Get enough dirt over you, and you'll be safe!" He didn't see the bulldozer behind him that pushed a mound of soil, burying him up to his neck. "On the other hand, maybe this needs a little more elbow room," he said. Just before the next shovel load buried him, he looked up and sail "Are you sure this will protect me?" "No," we said. "But it'll protect us! " ' You Democratic voters shouldn't feel too bad. After four more years of Reagan (if we survive), people will be ready to elect Frodo the Hobbit as an alternative. |