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Show L Qyclops By BRIAN GRAY Why the Pilgrims didn 't celebrate in Davis County food with their fingers. If the Pilgrims were in Davis County, the Board of Health would have quarantined the whole bunch. "And look at what the Pilgrim youngsters were doing. They were playing with a leather ball filled with feathers. The little kids could swallow and gag on the leathers. The Consumer Protection Agency wouldn't allow such goings-on." "We don't care about history," said the children. "We're still going go-ing to honor the Pilgrims. They were just celebrating a good com crop. ' "That's another thing. What do you children know about the health risks of com oil? I bet 90 percent of these messy Pilgrims had clogged arteries!", 4 I After devouring the last of the pumpkin pie, the family sat around the kitchen table and spoke of the Pilgrims. It was once again time for the annual Cyclops history lesson. "We romanticize the Pilgrims," I told the children. But keep one thing in mind: It's a darn good thing the Pilgrims didn't hold their feast in Davis County." "Why?' ' asked the children. "Because their celebration did not meet Davis County standards," I explained. "It's all in the Plymouth Plantation report issued ' by the Smithsonian. In fact, if the !" Pilgrims had wandered into the Bountiful area, all kinds of organizations would have become 5i" upset." The kids wanted an explanation. "Okay, let's start with their , celebration," I said. "According to B the historical reports, the Pilgrims carried on for three entire days. And since this rowdy group was not singing Psalms all night long, you'd expect that some of their neighbors would get angry. All-night parties ', are illegal in Davis County." ; "But they didn't have any j neighbors," said the children. I "Well, that's a good thing," I !said. "But the Pilgrims still broke the excessive noise ordinance. And . think about what they ate. ' ! "What did they eat?" "They killed a bunch of deer for j the feast. Can you imagine what the 1 animal rights groups would do in i Davis County? Here's a bunch of j religious guys hunting out of season I and slaughtering deer just so they can hold an all-night bash." "But it wasn't a bash,"said the kids. "Of course it was," I said. "The Smithsonian reports the pilgrims washed down their venison with beer. Think about it: Three days of solid drinking. If the Pilgrims were here today, Joy Beech would be calling 91 1 to report them." "Well, they didn't have any tea, coffee or soft drinks," the kids said. "And, after all it wasn't a beer bust. The Pilgrims spent some of the time praying." "Good point," I answered. "Remember the Pilgrims invited 90 Indians who prayed to a different Supreme Being. If the majority settlers held a function today and spent their time praying, the American Civil Liberties Union would file a lawsuit." "They only spent some of their time praying," said the children. "The Pilgrims spent much of the time conducting militia drills. ' ' "You're exactly right," I said. "And that would make the gun control con-trol people hopping mad. Think about it. If the Bountiful Police Department heard reports of a religious group conducting military training exercises in the wilds, Chief Larry Higgins would figure it was another Singer-Swapp case, one phone call about such a thing and the Pilgrims would be surrounded sur-rounded by a SWAT team." "But they were genteel people," said the kids. "Genteel, huh," I said. "The reports claim the Pilgrims consumed consum-ed their meal without proper utensils. uten-sils. These Pilgrims actually ate the |