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Show "Th' prime ministher iv England may be gettin' up from th' tay "Th' sultan iv Turkey turns to his grand vizyers an' says: CI shud sob, but 'Ml table an5 sayin, 'where' s me lid? I mus' skiddo.' " I've lost me pocket hankerchief.' " 'Ml I I I " EAR me, dear me," said Mr. Dooley, I J with a paper in his hand. "We're in throuble with th' English again. We're always in throuble with thim ongratcful people. There's no plazin' these cousins iv ours be mar-redge. mar-redge. Here's a fellow in this pa-aper, a pro-fissor pro-fissor at Oxfurd colledgc, that's about ready to declare war on us because he says we're corruptin' ih' dilcct they call th' English language in England Eng-land with our slang. . 44 Yes, sir, 'tis thrue. An' to think iv all we've done f'r thim people. Haven't we staked thim to some iv th' most marredgeable fortunes in this counthry to arnamint their peerage an' put modhren plumbin' into their ancient castles that was built be aristocrats that used musk whin th' spicifications called f'r a bath? Hasn't me frind' Armour made it onnicissary f'r anny but th poorest to ate th' roast beef iv merry England ? Haven't we rescued thim fr'm th' stovepipe hat an' showed thim how an Englishman can be a gintlcman in summer an' still not suffer a sun-sthrokc? sun-sthrokc? Haven't wc inthrajooced " th' turkey i throt an? th' tango so that manny iv Briion's fairest daughters that wanst wud blush in a quadrille can now festoon thimsilves around their partners an' have a fit as gracefully as anny American lady, no maithcr how colored she may be? " We have. We're civilizin' that mis'rable little island, an' small thanks do wc get f'r our pains. They make slow progress in westhern culture, to be sure. It's now more thin thirty years since we give thim th' tillyphonc an' they're just beginnin' to lam to say 4 Hello ' into it. Whin Hogan wint over there on a secret mission to blow up th' house iv lords, which he wud've done if a careless portlier hadn't dhropped his thrunk at Queens-town, Queens-town, he see a sign in front iv a saloon in London marked : American dhrinks sarved here.' With th' pathriotic idee iv encouragin' American art abroad he wint in an' pleaded with th' bartinder, who was a lady, f'r a gin fizz. 4 I'm sorry,' says th' lady, ' but we have no olives. But I'll make yc a mint julep if ye'll wait till I sind out f'r some eggs,' she says. " It's very disheartenin'. Still, they do make some pro-grcss. I've often said an American' with a rugged constitution, who can stand their climate an' their cheese, an' is used to roughin' it an' can put up with th' discomforts common to all new civilizations, an' doesn't catch th' slcepin' sickness can have a good time over there wanst he has masthered th" language. An' th' best way to masther th language iv anny furrin counthry is to inthrajooce ye'er own. " That's what we've been doin' an' that's what this Oxfurd pro-fissor is ravin' about He says American slang is corruptin', degradin', an' muti-latin' muti-latin' th' ancyent British tongue. ' It is revoltin' to anny wan,' he says, 4 who has quaffed at th' fount iv English ondefilcd to sec th' inroads th' patter iv these barbaryans has made in our island slang. It has pencthratcd all classes iv s'cicty an' its slimy thrall is over all our speech. Where we in th' goolden days befure th' American invasion wud speak iv " splosh," a sound an' hearty wurrud signifyin' th' ready, they compel us to use th' vulgar expressyon " dough." Ign'rant iv all th' laws'iv good usage in language, they call a person iv less thin ordhinry intilligince a " boob " or a " bonehead," manin', iv coorse, that th' defective is a " mug." But if they mane mug, why don't they say mug? Th' common term, racy iv th' soil, f'r a prom'nent feature iv th' human countynance, was formerly " boko." Now, I undherstand, it is supplanted aven in th' best circles be th' ne I can't pro-nounce this wurrud, Hinnissy neealogism " beezer." We had a thurly descriptive wurrud f'r an onruly person iv th' lower ordhers. We called him a " Hooligan," .which conveys th' precise manin', besides indi-catin' indi-catin' that all onruly persons iv th' lower ordhers is Irish. They use th' vulgar expressyon " tough." To suggist admiration f'r an action they coarsely say it is " bully," while our more refined term ( wud be " top-hole" or, in certain instances, 44 spiffing." spif-fing." Wc have a stately ol' name f'r an officer iv th' polis. Wc call him a "bobby." That describes de-scribes him acerately. It is historically correct an' manes just what it says. That's what a polisman is. He's a bobby, an' no person who reveres th' language that Milton sung in iver thought .iv callin' him a " cop." Th' other day I heerd wan iv these outlandcrs refer to a beautiful lady as a pippin. She was, indeed, a toppin' fine gal, but why pippin? Let Englishmen who have their counthry's slang at heart have a care. Already th' Goth has infected our music halls, our univarsi-ties, univarsi-ties, an' aven more exalted circles. His rude speech is insidyously crcepin' into our most refined re-fined convarsation, an' onless wc make a determined deter-mined stand his bloomin' cant will, as these Bcotians wud say, put our noble English chatter on th' blink.' " Ye can see he's cross about it. It's th1 first time I've iver been called a Bcotian. I'm goin' to look it up in th' ditchnry, an' if it's what I think it is I'm goin' to write to our corner-stone-layer extraordinary an' afther-dinner-speaker plinipotinchry about it. I don't want to interrupt his officyal jooties as a parlor intcrtainer, but I'll have no man call me out iv me name without a protist 44 An' with th' best intintions in th' wurruld not to deface th' English speech, what ar-re we goin' to do about it? I'd like to know. I'm th' last man to want to make Englishmen talk dift'rent fr'm what they do. There ar-re too few funny things in th wurruld as it is. I r-read th' article to Hogan an' he says it's a purely economic question. Here we ar-re on this side, he says, th' gr-reatest mannyfacthrers iv slang iver known. Wc projoocc yearly more slang thin anny ten Euro-peen nations an' fifty times more thin we need at home. No American citizen is obliged to use th' same slang f'r more thin a day at a time. Th' poorest can find a fresh supply ivry moruin' in his favrite journal. If there was nawthin' else our common language cud subsist on th' game iv baseball alone. " What ar-re we goin' to do with th' oversup-ply? oversup-ply? We've got to find a market f'r it, so, says Hogan, we ship it all over th' globe ontil on th' plains iv Arabya th' camel dhriver addhrcsses th' ship iv th' desert as a skate; in far off Cathay, bedad, a mandharin is like as not to ordher th' executioners to bean a pris'ner; an' th' sultan iv Turkey, whin told that th' Balky Christyans ar-re murdhrin' each other over th' land they hooked fr'm him, turns to his grand vizyers an' says: ' I shud sob, but I've lost me pocket hankerchief,' " Nachrally, Hogan goes on, our best customers custom-ers ar-re th' English, because, he says, their language lan-guage is more like th' parent stem thin anny other. They raise some slang, but it's iv a poor quality an' is mostly used be th' wurrukin' classes. Th' colonies ship over gr-reat quantities, but it is not taken because no Englishman wants people to think he comes fr'm wan iv thim colonies iv which ivry Englishman is proud, an' justly so. So they have to consume gr-reat quantities iv American slang, which they injye, although it chokes thim, because they don't know what it means. " There's no way iv our previntin' thim fr'm debauchin' their ancyent language with our product, prod-uct, but wc owe it to oursilves to see that they get it fresh. It's Hogan's idee that we manny-facther manny-facther slang in this abundant counthry so" fast that be th' time wan iv our happy invintions gets goin' in England it's what he calls obsylcte in this counthry an' is no longer used aven be th' clargy. It is mortifyin' to an American who is used to changin' his slang at laste wanst a week to go into a store in London where there's a sign marked ' American Spoken Here ' an' find ihar there's nawthin' in slock but old, sicond hand, discarded jabber that he was usin' durin' th' Rosen felt administhration. There's a group iv Americans in London who cillybrate th' Foorth iv July ivry year be weepin' over th' occasion f'r it. What cud they do betther, onless they wint to live on th' continint, to promote good feelin' between th' two gr-reat branches iv th' English speakin' race thin to see that our cousins-in-law ar-re supplied sup-plied with fresh American slang ivry day? As it is now, at this very minyit th' prime ministher iv England may be gettin' up fr'm the tay table an' savin', ' Where's me lid ? I mus' skiddoo,' whin anny schoolboy in this counthry cud tell hini that th' proper form is, 4 1 got to bate it. Where's me Kelly?' An' doesn't a fellow who rises in th' house iv lords an' says, 4 Th' right hon'rablc geezer has handed us a lemon,' want to bite his tongue out whin he gets a note fr'm Prisidint Eliot, who's in th gall'ry, tellin' him that th' modhren Attic usage wud be, 4 Th' right hon'rable mutt has tossed us the bunkerino '? " Now, if this here London assocyation iv promoters pro-moters iv good feelin' an' copper mines did their jooty they'd have an agent in New York, Hogan thinks, to cable over th' latest changes. They'd be posted on th' bulletin boord befure th eager crowd : ' Speak F'r chatter use bark ontil further fur-ther notice, as, "Bryan Still Barkin'. Daily Paper." 'How jolly bully says th' Hon'rable Algernon Fitz-Eustace. ' I'll make a note iv it. Rippin' an' he hurries off to spring it on th' daughter iv th' jook who has taunted him on wastin' his oppurchunitics. He doesn't let it go at wanst. No, sir. He nurses it in his bosom. He threasures it up till th' right moment. Fin'lly whin his rival Lord Topnoodle, who's supposed to be a leader iv fashion, vintures to remark, 4 I didn't think Balfour's chatter in th' house las' night was such a much,' Algernon turns on him with a supeeryor air an' says icily : ' No ? Why, I thought he barked pretty fair.' His rival dhrops th' taycup in his embarrassmint, turns crimson, an' laves th' room bitin' his nails. ' Ain't Algy wise to all ih' new dope?" says th' lovely Lady Ethelinda. 'Sure thing, Mike says th' jook's daughter, her pale face flushin' with pride as she dhraws Algy aside an' asts him to take her f'r a buggy ride. An' th' nex' week th' Coort Chronicle Chron-icle comes out with a notice that 'Algy Fitz-Eustace. Fitz-Eustace. gintleman-in-waitin' to th' Main Uproar, will Take th Count with his Lizzie at th' Binder)' in Hanover Square on Choosdah.' " Faith, whin us free born Americans get through with th' English language we'll make it look as though it had been run over be a musical comedy. I'm proud iv th' spread iv our slang. But, bein' advanced in years, I find wan fault with America's principal conthribution to th' lithra-choor lithra-choor iv th' wurruld. It's too quick f'r me. I can't keep up with it. An', mind ye, I had a good idjacation. I thought I was thurly grounded whin 1 left th' docks. Our grajatin' class was supposed to be wan iv th' slangiest iver turned out be th ol' colledge. We cud har'ly undherstand undher-stand each other. But today all me idjacation goes f'r nawthin' an' ye'er oldest boy laughs at me attimpts to engage him in aisy convarsation. Nayether iv us iver knows what th' other is talkin' about. Still, it's good to have him around. With f,h' help iv th' deef an' dumb alphybet he can thranslatc th' newspapers an' most iv th' short stories in th' magazines so that I can almost undherstand thim. But I wisht ye'd speak to Brother Ambrose an' have him lend th' child a few English wurruds ten years ol' an upward to use outside iv th' schoolroom. "Slang is a sthrange thing annyhow. Th' larned Hogan says what's slang today may be dacint language twinly years fr'm now. 4 Wurruds ar-re funny things..' he says. 4 Bad wurruds become good wurruds an' good wurruds become bad wurruds over night A wurrud will start be manin' wan thing an' in th' coorse iv a few years it'll mane exactly th' opposite, an' no wan can tell why. Some iv th' best wurruds in th' language was dhreadful slang at wan time Th' fact is he says, ' all wurruds was slang in a kind iv a way whin they started. Wan iv ye'er ancesthors frightens a hen an' sees she's left something on th' ground. He pints at it an' ex- claims- in suqurise " Egg 1" He happens . man iv standi n' in th' community, havia';B lot iv people with his stone hatchet, an' i'S who hears him an' wants to be in stjIdB, " Egg " ivry time he sees th' thropy, an' spift ontil an egg is a egg ivrywhere Knglish iHj But th' Fr-rinch calls it a " oof," whicM that whin th' first Fr-rinchman see wanhesB back in alarm an' cried " Oof 1" SJ " ' Now says Hogan,. ' suppose ye'er rV 1 ancesthor had happened to use some otherM I mation. Issintyally says he, ' an egg is sjflV entitled to be called an egg thin I am. WeflEj to eggs bein' called eggs, an' we think t&fl describes thim, but if ol' Granpa Stone iflL Dooley had said 44 Glub " we'd be ordhrin'H bled glubs at th' prisint minyit FathdMj says he can remimber whin th' wurrud -m tist " was slang. Th' fellow that first uscHH looked down on as low an' vulgar, an' sprung it a famous grammaryan faffluMj siv'ral ladies left th' room. But today tiH innocint might say it without a blush. 9 good a wurrud as anny an' is often usdH dentists an' prize fighters. M " ' Slang is experimentin' in languagMtf Hogan. ' If a slang wurrud sticks it 2b it long to lift its impydint head amongst wmj that has a linage as far back as ChancBj have th' name1 iv his frind right). If use wurruds that was slang three hundhenBI ago no wan cud tell what we were tallan,j L - t people wud be surprised if they knew J) most iv th' slang they use comes fr'm. I1H into th' secret he says. ' It comes imk thieves. They invint language to conceal fr'm th' polis. Afther a long time a p catches a thief an' larns a slang wurrud irjjj Th' copper tells it to a reporther, who in his pa-aper. A theatrical manager rM)J: has a play wrote around it. A pretty girH it an' tells it to a pote an' th' pote puts il pome. A fellow that's gettin' up a ditch it in th' pome an' slicks it into his book,an that it's a part iv th' officyal language anS dom or niver used in th' ballroom or on th ,W says Hogan. Jjm " Me own idee is that we ought to careful in th' use iv this gr-reat gift V favored nation. We ought to masther it m be able to keep up with new authors an MH varse with th' young. Manny a J' standin' has arose between father an' 30,1 fjB th' parent was careless an' didn't go out n th' language classes in th' billyard acaW But I wud like to sec our chats sprinkled there with wurruds aged a month or s0'H, own talk with you I thry to employ iHB purest English, as ye may've noticed-dhrop noticed-dhrop into slang excipt whin th' 5lttlB mands it. This bein' so, an' as th' night I an' th' hour iv midnight fast P1;03'. price iv gas is high, I wud feel obliged wud go chase ye'ersilf." wnaBk (Copyright: 1913: By Flnley P"r M?' |