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Show jiventures of a New Congressman : 1 iQ ell, I've mtitlo my ilrat Id hardly wait to gel rite und tell you nil rvc gone through the I of my life. I know carp, and 1 really had ss to convince myself n't turned white over op. I've lust my np-g np-g tempts mo hut tho nniT drinks, and you ;hty high In this sun--bltten town, away from the sub-i. sub-i. This Is really the xi in. I don't seem to y mind pinned on one hut go Hitting around tver, like some or tho this hurg. who have jp at Ion saloons bo-t bo-t department and the iu see my .speech . In tocorri you'll notice laugh la-ugh it. like raisins in io words "applause," nuil "laughter." Thu right. Some of 'em night tliey were goins hut the "applause" hate to loll you about rk Twain says, I bet-'glnnlng. bet-'glnnlng. I am afraid as started hy Colonel came Tip to me one lave you made your mildn'L have anything seal, because, he's I he il me on my couimit-;ait. couimit-;ait. he's such a niag-lply niag-lply can't resist him, :h? Whnt do you ays he, "a eongrc.-'s-made a 'speech may buslncsfj. why, down n in public life mud le must drink good rive a. fast horse and i to make a political w how." says I. o," says the Colonel in k about?' 1 persisted. Panama canal. That ng suliject. Throw In ,i big bunch of sln-dazo sln-dazo I he. fellows that never run up against anything bigger than a puddle in a country road." But 1 says to him. "-My constituents won't know what It's all about they won't understand n. speech of this kind.' "So much the belter," he says, clapping clap-ping me on tho back in that familiar way of his. "They'll think you'ro a real statesman. If you puzzlu them, you've, got them, my boy. GeC them guessing: have 'em standing Willi their heads in the air and their mouths wldo open, and you can sure swipe all of the Jewelry on their persons." Well. 1 thought It over and came to the conclusion thai the colonel was about right. It may do for some, people to talk about bow hard they work In the commit Icch and the labor they spend In trying to get Jobs for their constituents, and the way they sit up at nights trying in think or a new variety of garden seed to send to thu rural voters; but unless they make a . speech unless they get their names In the newspapers and in the Congressional Uncord they're Jooked on as legislative failures. .So 1 camo to my mum the next night with a big bundle of manuscript. 'T gut "no of the cleverest correspondents corre-spondents In Washington to dish up this dope," he says, "and all you'vn got to do Is to learn It by heart, and then reel it oft on your unsuspecting colleagues." I read the manuscript, and then said, "J'.onk here. Colonel, this thing Is made up almost entirely of anecdotes und smart sayings.". "Why, sure." he niiaworcil. "you wouldn't expect the Itouso to listen to anything else, would you'.' Von'll find near tho end of II three or four coni-ptiralivc coni-ptiralivc tables of sen. levels and things of that kind. That'll furnish about all the grally a statesman can stand." Well, under the instructions of my mentor. J started to learn the speech. I did It. before a minor, too, with gestures ges-tures that would have turned a. French dancing master 'purple with envy. The colonel was my audience. He applauded and scolded by turns. Kvery few minutes min-utes lie would ring the hell nnd order, m a mini Julep. He said II made him thirsty just to Iqok a I nie. Say, Kill, when I added up the chocks thai, night, for the lnlnt julep'; I found they iimouuled lo clfi.'v'i. Colonel l-tob Moore is certainly an expensive friend, but still. I don't see how I can do without him. After I was through tlis rehearsal I he colonel says to mo: "Don't you go and make ihe mistake "A short, thickset member on (he left interrupted me:" ' ' that was made by a member from Texas one time. Von may not get out of It as easily as ho did." "What was thai?" I asked. "Why." says the colonel, "this member mem-ber got up and talked for half -an hour against a bill that was pending before the house, .lust In the midst of one of his most eloquent flights a, member crept up behind him and' pulled his coat-tail. coat-tail. ""Hey. Sam!' cried the coat-tugging one, 'you're' on thcywrong tack. We're all in favor of lhal bill. It's all. fixed up lo go thioucli.' " "PJd 1 1 phase the orator?" "Not for a. minute. He nodded assent, to his warning friend, and then, turning toward the speaker and lifting his hand high In the air. he remarked: "And Ihe arguments I have been giving you, JVlr. Speaker and gentlemen, are the IllmsV, futile arguments used by the opposition. I will now proceed to demolish de-molish them and show you why this bill should become a law.' and by ginger," said tho colonel in conclusion, "he did II. and the bill passed, but you are a little lit-tle loo green io tackle a proposition of that kind.',' "Well, not to drift too far away from my subject. I might, say that the Panama Pana-ma canal legislation came up for dla-vnssion dla-vnssion one day. I had my speech by heart, and tho Colonel said that, he hail seen Uncle Joe and that I would be recognized. rec-ognized. T got on my' feet with a. good deal of trepidation and In my most statesmanlike manner cried out: "Mr. Speaker " The speaker looked straight at mo and recognized a moniher Immediately back of me. I sat In my scat dialing and .!(iiirinlng for twenty minutes while that man got off the worst rubbish that you ever listened to. When he unit I Jumped to my feet again and cried out finite sternly: "Mr. Speaker. I would like " The speaker's gavel came down like a skyscraper falling into the middle mid-dle of Thoadwuy. "Order! Order!" lie cried, yWo must have order!" ' Ho got order all right and then he. recognized the member from Alabama, and so it went all that day. I was on my feel a dozen times, 1ml I was never recognized once. Thai night. I met I'm-Ir-.loe In tho lobby of the hotel and complained com-plained very bitterly about the way he had treated me. "Why." I cried in conclusion, "why didn't you recognize me?" Jfo smiled at me In that grandfotherly way of his and says, a? cool fi a cucumber, cu-cumber, "I didn't see you." Now, what arc you going to do with a man like that? There was finite a group of congressmen standing around at that time, and tho Coldhel, who was In the crowd, slapped mo on tho back and said it was a. good Joke. J says, "Vcs, r suppose, IL is a joke," and then 1 he Colonel cried out. in a- triuniphan tono, "The drinks am on yon." And the drinks were on me that. is. J had to pay for I hem. although why 1 should do so ban never yet penetrated my brain. UoweverJ-he next day It was nil arranged ar-ranged that I should 1m recognized and J was recognized. I cleared my voice, pulled down" my vest and began my great speech on tho Panama canal. I explained that Micro were various features connected connect-ed with the building of, the canal and that I was at a loss as to -which one I should take up llrst. "What, shall I talk about?" I cried dramatically, and then a low-down low-down skunk in tho front of mq cried out In a piping voice: "Talk abouL a minute.' I soon recovered from this Interruption Interrup-tion and then started In with renewed vigor. While I was in the. midst of an Impassioned part a thick, shortcut member mem-ber on .the h-rt Interrupted me: 'Mr. Speaker," he cries, " I rise for Information." "'The .gentleman from Ohio," snvs the speaker, very respectfullv. "I rise." says the. short, thick-set man, pointing his linger at mej "to luuuire whether tho gentleman Is a member of this nouse," And then everybody roared, and they laughed so juucli and there was such confusion that J could not go on for some minutes. Seeing that thev were hi tills mood, i tried to think up one of the anecdotes. The best one in tin bunch related lo an Irishman who had been called before a magistrate on Ihe charge of drunkenness. The magistrate asked him his business, und ho replied that lie was a ship's eai-pcnter, "I don't, believe you ever saw a ship," says the. judge. And then tho prisoner, in his richest brogue, retort's: 'VAnd phwnL the dlvll do you think 1 come, iiver in a hack?" Well. In the conruslon or Ihe minute I got the wording or the thing twisted, and wlmn I camo to the climax or the joke said: "Ami phwat the dlvil do you think I came, over In n ferryboat?'' There was a chorus or groans at thin, and then they began to throw spilballn at inc. They yelled, "Put him out!" "Murder hhn!" "Go way back and nil down!" and other like complimentary remarks. re-marks. Finally 1 grew indignant and turned to them and says: "Gentleman, you might as well listen to this. I've made up my mind to deliver de-liver tills speech and there's no escape for you." One or the members got up ami turned to his brethren appealingly. "Gentlemen. I think you better lei. him go. It's like having the measles. None of us can avoid It and we might as well get it over as soon as possible." I was iu for a hazing. There was up doubT about that. The member from Illinois claimed the floor on a fiuostlou of personal privilege and when ho got it says: 4 "The member who has been trying to edify Us with his remarks on tho I'au- ama canal should not expect us "to re- ll main perfectly silent. Ills attitude rc-minds rc-minds mo or u story that was told to me concerning William .Jennings; Bryan. IBH Lefore 7.r. Bryan had become such a conspicuous national figure, ho had made IBH quite a reputation as an orator. On one IH of his lecture tours lie stopped at a. lead- lug town iu Nebraska for tho purpose of fl delivering one or his oratorical master- H pieces. The hall was crowded and when H .Mr. Bryan began he received quite an H ovation. During the con mo or his re- ' H marks he was frequently interrupted H with loud applause. He noticed that the H men on the first four rows of benches H were especially demonstrative. After the H lecture, talking to a friend, he said, hi H " 'I was very much pleased at mv rn- ftH ceplions tonight. I was particularly H pleased with the intelligent Interest dls- ; H played by the gentlemen who occupied 1 H the llrst. three or four rows of scab?. Do i H you know who llicy were?' H " 'Oh. yes,' said the friend. '( know H them only too well. They're the inmates H of the Nebraska. Stale Insane Asylum. H The head keeper brought them out for H an airing. He thought a change might H do thciny good.' Well, when that fellow sat down I ho H house began lo roar again, and I saw H iL would be a physical, a mental and i B moral impossibility to finish my Fpeer.li. H One of the mcmher. from our stat H gallantly came to my rescue. shout- H cd above Ihe din and the hubbub: H "Mr. Speaker, I move that the gentl- H man bn given leave to print his re- H marks." and, by George! I was given ; IH leave; there wasn't a dissenting vote, IH so you will find my, speech in full In ' H tho Congressional Record. The tables and vH the statistics are all there in all their H dltcilly. I haven't rend the statistics H myself. It gives inc. a headache to look H at them. Only, in normal moments H minima of misgivings sweep qvzv me H Colonel "Bob" Moore swears by all that's H holy that the statistics are absohitelv H correct and "Tiannot b suceessfullv con- H tradicted, buti I think of the s.1ying of Dlsnieli "Tilers are three kinds of "lies lie?. '-damn lies and statistics," H VOL'R UNCI. 12 JOHN. P. S. Please see that this Speech is reprinted in the local newspapers, but H say, Bill, for the love of heaven get H the "applauae" in the right places. H |