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Show Ten O'Clock Whistle by David Fleisher - i. r' Inflation fighting tips I walked out of the grocery store yesterday after having spent fifteen bucks and getting very little for it. Celery, hamburger, bakery products, milk, kleenex, and a hershey bar. That's all I got for fifteen dollars. I'm sick of inflation. I can remember when you could buy a gallon of gas for thirty cents, a ticket to the movies for fifty cents and tooth paste for practically nothing. But now, it's way out of line. We need to defend ourselves from this onslaught of rising prices; so, I've come up with a few tips on how to fight inflation: Steal from other people. You'd be surprised how much you can save by simply stealing clothes, groceries, etc. from other people. If the word, steal, bothers you from a moral standpoint, then just say you're "borrowing" and never return it. Take your car and burn it in protest to high gasoline prices. Hopefully, the car will explode causing nearby merchandise belonging to other people to scatter all over the place which - would enable you to steal things. Again, don't be bothered about the morality of stealing (or borrowing); these are inflationary times and we must all make due as best we can. Make counterfeit money in your basement. One of the advantages of counterfeit money is that it can be used for real money; and furthermore, I would suggest using the fake money for those not-so-important items and saving the real stuff for the vital things in life. Fake money might be useful for paying back debts; real money is good for say, aspirin or - beer or Chinese food. By the way, if you don't have a basement in your residence, then any other well concealed room will do for the production of counterfeit money, the attic for example. Go to Provo, Utah, and live there for five years. After the five years have expired, you probably won't want to live anymore and commit suicide, making inflation a moot issue. Start making neutron bombs in your basement. If the government doesn't do something constructive to alleviate inflation in the very near future, send one of the bombs to Washington and tell them you've got more where that came from. Write your congressmen letters appealing to their sensibilities. I'd suggest something like, "Dear Sir, if you don't do something to help lower prices, I'm going to chain you to the back of your Cadillac and give you a free ride all over town, and then I'm going to kidnap your wife and children, and sell your dog." Have a friend write a letter to the Internal Revenue Service saying you died of a heart attack while shoveling snow off the driveway. Not paying taxes would certainly save money." t- Sell all of your worldly possessions and go live out in the forrest for a few years, all alone, only you and the animals. You won't be spending money, plus this existential existence may drive you completely insane making inflation a moot issue. Are you sick of inflation? It's getting worse and there's no end in sight. A gallon of gasoline costs well over a dollar; a ticket to the movies can be as much as four or five dollars; and the price of toothpaste is through the ceiling. The economy must improve or we may all end up doing immoral things, or God forbid, moving to Provo. As I walk up Main Street, I hear the Ten O'Clock Whistle. |