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Show SP,CE FiiffWB Progressing Rapidly. "Hullo. Dlfklns) HHKliH How Is your Anti-Slang society getting raHHiltHl along?" KJHKl vmHI "Kino as silk, old slobs!" Baltimore) Mlu'l 'liiLI News. fU'lfwH Uncle Wllllam-Yes, Willie; I have flB', ji'H had my nose to the grindstone all my riXn jj 1 J4H life I'lllHlH Willie Is that what made It so red, 0 5S fij j itt'UH uncle. Phlladlphlii llecord. t$Wil jl'crsLI "Yes, jour dress does nt beautlfultj', KH, i'wi'jl but I thought jou were above such vli f v trllle--" MMIisH 'No, I believe In the survival ot the W ;VH,j jH best lilted!" New Yoik Hun. im itljH llllm What Is speeder doing now? fi mi' J H Ilium He Is Interested In a gct-rlch- jf.Sltfll quirk scheme, '1 .WWhUsLM mini You don't say so? W , i Ij3l Ilium Yes; he Is courting an heiress. t( Vk j'Vv -Town Topics. K "MAiWilM "Is this, then, to be the end? ' ho snd- L f, PifRuH ,"(' L;'II'-hH Oh, I hope not," ehn replied. "I f ' 1 1'HJiiB shall stilt reserve three nights n. week nj'.C I'VII for the theatre, If jou sny so." Chlca- l, UjiijH go Itecord-lleinld. SM S JIH KM -1 Hisii neslgnatlon. P.mployment Agent I'm f.y "DH sorry, Mrs. Jl luskeep, but I'm sure I H'-,; i !H haven't a cook that woJld suit jou. fjT s. 'fljB .Mrs Ilauskeeii Never mind. I've got- Hj H,M ten over all that. Just send one und let jj -T fF4H me sec It I eon suit her. Philadelphia. Rtjlft ,'IH Press. t ffi ', ''jH Near When Needed. "That was an hfA , ,'ssH Ideal course the Automobile club select- till1'.' ' ILiH cd tor the race." "Ch HsH Think so?- IIH'jUiiW "Yes, theic was n blacksmith shop WTf ?! lJLH and ii pharmacy every mile." Chicago U 't '4iB Dally News. Um'' '. . WW "You should get jour cars loppeiL f u,f JaH O'llrlrn." sahl n "smart" tourist to an wfi'l, jM Irish peasant whom ho wns quUxlng. wf'if 'r 'BB "thej 're too large torn man." mh " f Isiiiiiii "An' heilnd," replied tho Hibernian, ij&f.' J 'M'ijH "I was Just thlnkln' jours would want to m)', j W JtfH be made larger, shouro they'te too email M',. !?JJiaBH for un nss'"Tlt-lllls. Si!i 4 WSSsH "How much did jou realise from that jfg'ii ilMBH play jou gave for charity?" mink f l.HPB B "We hadn't n cent left nv er." mV miflmOK I "Why, jou had n splendid house," $ $'! ISjimB H "I know, but the committee renllzcd JlJf'ttHJH that charity begins nt home, nnd they ffisiMMBB couldn't possibly hnve found actors 6)$ WSMU any poorer than ours." Philadelphia B!( 1 'tJHiHM I'""' MA iWMmm At last." said Heclor ele Ruiemme, tfiwivlHI the struggling joung lawjer, "at last, g' '"MtV iMU Anbclln, we may bo united ln tho holy Si-JLtl'rtflH bonds of matrimony. My futuro Is as- Si!fIf, iiH suieil" KWR '"JSU Oh, Joy!" said Arabella. "Have you &jf ' )jH given up law and gone tu work?" irSSt '- iiiH "Indeed, no," was the Indignant re- )' ifflsH spouse. "I urn retained ns the sole at- !h$ QmH tmncy In a will case where there aro Huflr'! 4njH forty heirs thut hate each other like RoSpjiSJiH mad, and an estate nt 12,000,000, with filiJSjH n lot of mortgngo litigation und ob- N( H srure titles to straighten up before It Mam Hsiifl may bo distributed." llaltlmoro Aincr- KjSw l fflH Snloi1 Plexus Miss Ilrlghton-What $3 ' ' hH u lovely watchfob, Mr. llorcm. Is your T? s .'TBtfflH watch equally pretty? jft J , jHH Mr. Dorcm Here It Is. JU k-BH Miss Ilrlghlon What! it o'clock! (f j i(ffl Why, I had no Idea It was so late, had wl cCtHH jou? Chicago Dally News. KH Doth Sides "Our legislators," pro- ffi S l(vj( tested the machine politician, "are not filkfr MnNfl as had as they're painted." if $ ulfH "No"' replied the plain cltlrcn. jBl 1 JmAH "Well, they're certainly not so good gr' , i'lH as they're wliltew jelled.-Philadelphia EftflL yVliUjlBB I'rcss. ftjiI vflM "If jou wero I," she said to her dear- 2 kk ' m est friend, "would you be married In tho E '$?! i.tjH spring or the fall?" i ffi'l ) "If I wero iou," was tho unhesltatlnff Jyj t ,jH reply, "and had nctually secured a man, jj jsEi t rill I would set the wedding for the earliest ji ,fflj"i HH dale possible." Chicago Tost. g flSlii !HI Teacher Johnny, can you tell ma ft jfi' , KnH how Iron was first discovered? POm, tieJjBsB Johnny Yes, sir, r, ygi WmM "Weill Just tell the class what your, awra'e lH Information Is on that point," 'ij "jfo T "I heard pi say jesterdny that they tl (P f) !!nH smelt it." London Sparc Moments, i . k!i iy.i "You understand, of course, that my til' 'issiiiiH daughter has been reared ln the lap of H f WtD luxury?" W -t Bj BJrsssI "Why, she told mo last night that hf-, fifHfflB mine was the first er, that Is, I hope, ffi , SifiH sir, that I may bo able to tniiko such ifol provision ns to keep her from pining for 5f 'jfe MH the lup you mention," Chkago Itccord- h W .iwBKmm Heiald. f ft f 3flM Ilagson Tatters-So jer didn't hear ft 'jlHI about poor Honcsy. Why, dey had ter H ,'liiL HDI put 'im in u loonetlc 'sylum. Cf I'ltll'ljmBI Weary Waggles W'at fur? ji W ,JNMiB Ilugson Tatters He swiped a bos o' "I '"i'! hKH condensed soup from a grocery store. f' I ! IH.'flHul and lugged It ten blocks before he dls- I tullfllH covered It wan soup. Instead o' 80up, 'i 'Lifi H9 Philadelphia l'ress. k MT'Wjn&U pi'rahtiiiH "I must compliment you," said tho fi 'itltullBSssIl friend, "on the generous spirit you i 'rPElMSB showed last night In allowing another ' 1iiLIImH actor In the company to play Hamlet il .Ji li'ftHlJH whllo jou contented yourself with the ' 'M I h'I jfwfl part of tho first grnvo digger." il- W. SjIBfflH "Oh. yes," unsvvcred Jlr. Stormlngton 'f ffl jjSB nanus. "You see, vvo havo a new treas- IS' ytil?8raB urer. I wanted to bo out In front as W JL, 'ljtB much as poislblo ln order to help count S iVWI itwffl up."- (VuBhlngton Star. jjL Mm' jfjiiSB Tcrrlblo Posslbllltlci of the Latest f$ il J"f B Craze. Hour-maid (entering hurriedly) 3, Mr fi'jWB Oh, If you please, mum, jou know tf rin'KpAH when jou allov' ed look to go nut Jut lwWlB t w for un hour? Well, sho's come buck 8LriMli IflfijM no verj er (hesltatlngly)-poorly! if flFlallil Mlsliess So very poorlj? flood gra- ffi 'frw), (IjtJjH clous, Ji e, whatever Is the matter? W ill' l;piH ' . ell, jou know, mum, jou told her W ju!'r! illl 3 do them bantum's eggs for master's fj 'f&Jlia filSBH tea, and she's trjlng to boll the pins j; jrFljn EiqM pong balls!" Punch, m &ei J ! nlMH I ft HJiaisW "Ah!" exclaimed Mrs, Oldcastle, who iiTiBflH wan again enjoying tho splendoia of her jj$ r$$: EL new neighbors' o't gallery, "jl Corut, I iffHj! IH see." ciwiiii HnsBsH "Where'" asked her hostess, looking nlrtHnLsiil doubtfully at tho canvas which seemed !fiWb!JHHlH to claim the other's attention. JMrfwwM( I "There," unswered Mrs, Oldcastle, fHiiMGflHJ I pointing with her lorenctte, sKubIBU I "Well, now, I declaie, I can't Bee a JMBPWMr U single crow anywhere around. You jHJHjl'Hl B don t mean them little black spots In wtTBirmiWl I tho left-hand corner, do joi? Them's vMflSEuiJI I clouds." 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