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Show Hjn.Ph7ipr g ALL-AMERICAN PLAT00NERS THIS COLUMN, not to be outdone by anybody, herewith goes into the AU-American routine, but tosses in a little originality by making mak-ing its choices from among the more conspicious claimants. All American Quandary Man, Luke Whammy, on the following claim: "Throughout the entire season there was never a minute when I was sure whether I was just going into a game or just going out. All I was positive of was that I wasn't in long. I did most of my running parallel with the field stripes." For All-American Swiftness of Perception, "Stew" Chidsey: "In two of our 10 games I Insist that I, unlike Luke Whammy, had a fair idea whether I was coming or going. go-ing. This alone makes .me a standout footballer." To a charge that he seemed dazed in one of these two games, he replies, "That was due to a fake play in which I purposely did a whirling dervish. Even my own team was confused by it. They thought I was coming in and I thought I was leaving." All-American Suspense Man, "Red" McGrew: "I was always In great suspense whether I was to be used on the platoon that relieved the offensive platoon that relieved the main offensive of-fensive platoon or on the platoon that was sent in for the platoon that was sent in for the main defensive de-fensive platoon. What funl" All-Western Mystery Platooner, "Skeets" Donegan: "There were other football players play-ers who were more confused than I was during the season, but not as often," said Mr. Donegan, clinching his selection. "I got so bawled up that I once went in for myself." "What happened?" we asked. I found I hadn't been taken out yet," he snapped. All-American Southern Decoy, De-coy, Chic" Bludsoe: "I was never really on any squad but I used to show np on one side or another and suddenly sud-denly bolt from the sidelines and dash into some formation on the field. I was never detected; de-tected; because some guy was always just leaving the game for his own befuddlement." All-American Coach of Distinction, Distinc-tion, "Feet" Callabash: "My distinction lay in having more platoons than registered students and letting them go on and off the field at random. This developed a high sense of impulse in the men. I was never in trouble for having too many men in play because my system kept the officials offi-cials in such heavy traffic they were always looking for parking spaces instead of for rules violations." viola-tions." We also have selected the All-American All-American Mascot Supply Service and the All-American College Band Leader. One bulldog, one goat or' one mule no longer could possibly be sufficient and they are now also sent in by platoon. The Bronx Zoo, New York, led everybody in breeding breed-ing enough mascots to keep the mascot platoons up to standard. The All-American College Band Leader is Hamilton Potts who used alternately a platoon of wood instruments in-struments and a platoon of brass instruments, with four platoons of offensive and defensive xylophone players. "Charlie, may I go in to swim?" "Yes, the water blue is; Hang your clothes on a tropical limb But keep your eye on Lewis!" President Truman was pitching horseshoes down there in Florida and we understand he did especially especial-ly well if the post bore a photo of John L. Lewis from the neck up. Dr. A. H. Schultz of John Hopkins Hop-kins has performed an autopsy on Gargantua, the circus gorilla. We have not seen the report and probably prob-ably would not agree anyhow. In our book the famous ape died largely larg-ely from boredom. Contributing causes were frustration, train sick-"ness, sick-"ness, too much publicity, complete madness due to the strange creatures crea-tures it found staring at it day and nigM, and a general softening up, due to being asked to find diversion diver-sion in playing with an old tire shoe. VANISHING AMERICANISMS "The railroad tickets won't cost too much." "The doctor only made three visits and the robber asks six dollars." dol-lars." "Let's all pull together." "I've got no kick against the boss." "This laundry replaces buttons." "If you want a second helping of meat just ask for it." "It's getting so cold I'm putting on my racoon coat." |