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Show AtST J ; . ; L Strike A Vein Alpha Beta at 5 p.m. on a Saturday in February... Subtitled Stranger in a strange land. Don't misunderstand. I am delighted they are here. Bognered bright, they stalk the aisles like suburban matrons let loose in a new Neiman Marcus. "Dorothy, did you see this aisle? Blankets 4 and bath towels right here in the supermarket. And I thought we had it all back home." The level of static electricity from the swish of nylon garments could be shocking in an electrical storm. But it's O.K., these j folks are on vacation... 'Henry, does the house have salt and pepper?" I find myself mentally surveying my spice cabinet. Sure, the house has salt and pepper. "Sugar?" I mentally search again. Yes, sugar is in the cupboard above the stove. Damn! I catch myself eavesdropping on other people's shopping list. Suddenly, in the dairy section, I panic - the eggs are gone! They are replaced by juices. It has come to this! The locusts have bought all the eggs. Panic. How can my family face Sunday morning eggless?!? My sweat is starting to culture around the yogurt section. I look back to the corner of the market (formerly the juice section) and there they are! Unborn omelettes. Hooray! In the produce section, the conversation is lively. "Look here, artichokes. And these aren't even in season yet on the coast!" I think immediately of the movie Tootsie and the great line - "There are two coasts." Why do both New Yorkers and Californians both assume the Pacific is the only coast? We are not talking about a state of mind. In the frozen department, I debate about a carton of Haagen Daz (chocolate of course), and now I hear - "Jesus Christ" - from a man who doesn't worship him. "Sherry, you can't expect to find your Haagen Daz in this state! Just buy the domestic brand." Ah, generic ice cream in a saccharin state. It has come to this. I do like living here... Honest! You will never, however, catch me with an "I (enter a heart) Utah" bumper sticker. In fact, I am so sick of those t-shirts, stickers and underwear bearing slogans that I've decided to print my own. "I (enter a heart again) Noplace." And while we're on the subject, I haven't hugged anything or anyone that is any of vour business. But don't you think A.C.P.C. stickers would sell? For those of us who are naturalized natives (lived here through 2 full winters and stayed) it is safe to say in February the natives are restless? For those of you visiting who shop AlphaBeta in your full Town and Country, photograph ready regalia, have mercy on the masses. The checkout counter with the magazines is great! "Do you believe this, Harry? Miss March even lives here. We're coming back here every year. This is wonderful. Salad oil? No, I can't remember if the house has salad oil. No, Harry, I don't think that body is necessarily indiginous to the climate here. God, did you see the pink ski suit going through the express line? That's Mrs. Fields. You know, Mrs. Fields Cookies. Yeah. Great body. Maybe. Maybe that is why they say - "This is the place." "But Harry - do you really think they meant AlphaBeta?" |