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Show r HOW TO CLEATs1 HOUSE. SOME MEN CAN HIRE THE WORK DONE AND OTHERS CAN'T. Hut One Unfortunate Head of a Tamil; Wat I.urcil Into Attempting tli T; lllmneir. ' Did you ever clean house? No? Then you have never lived. Not that the plcnsuro derived from tho actual work it so excruciatingly funny that you cannot got along without it, but tbo relief whon tho last tack is driven and the last piece of furniture placed Is a thing that cau only bo experienced by ono who bar gone through tho mill'. Carlton, thr poet, onco said; Hut one tlilnu's settled with mo To appreciate licucu well It's best toRlvo a man Some, tlfloen minutes of licit. And so, to appreciate all thero is In this nineteenth century civilization of ours, one must go to work at tho bottom aud build it up from tho chaos in which housekeepers always seem to tako such fiendish delight. For weeks the wlfo of your sorrows has said; "Wo will clean house Monday," Mon-day," aud you havo been led to think it n little, trivial thing, not worth worrying about, aud so have not hired a man to do tho heavy work, becauso there seems to bo no heavy work to do. liut at last tho fatal moment comes, and you can cscupe no longer. You arc asked, with all tlio sweetness of an invitation to peaches and cream, if you will help with tho stove beforo you go downtown, down-town, and In a moment of weakness you m Iff fh el. THAT CONFOUNDED 8TOVR. consent. Then you aro lost, even moro effectually than tbo woman who hesitates. hesi-tates. Once tho stove is nut you sco the zinc on which it rested Is easy to remove, re-move, and that comes next. Tlio tacks have all been drawn from tlio carpot by your wlfo, whose forehead shows au enormous height, nnd then, whllo you aro at It, you can so easily help them roll tbo carpet together and carry It out to tho back yard so that tho man who Is expected every minute cau beat tho dust out of it to bis heart's content. Of courso, he never comes, nnd whon you havo carried tho parlor chairs out to tlio laundry, and found you bad missed the train, you go at it yourself, and thump away for half an hour at the dust you were all winter trending In. Then you aro hot aud all out of patlcucc,aud when you go In tho houso for a glsBS of buttermilk, but-termilk, and find tho woman who was to have como is us far away as is tho man Ecrvant, you grow desperate, get a mop nnd bucket, turn up your trousers and fall to work. From then on It Is you and your wifo for it. No ono ever found an alien asslstaut when there was a houso to clean. Bedsteads havo to bo sot out in tho sliado aud mattresses havo to bo hung iu tho emiihinc; nnd when you hnvo wrestled with ono of those latter abominations abomi-nations you feel that Evan Lewis aud his straugTo bold would bo an easy nnd wol-como wol-como thing in comparison. You nro allowed to wash the woodwork in th OltAND AND I.OITV TUMI1I.IKO. trior while tho man hangs tho paper In tbo bed-rooms, and when he Is half dono ho warbles a complaint that thero is not cnougli paper to go around. So you have to slick up a bit ami go half a mile to tho storo for another roll, only to find when you get there that the merchant mer-chant has no mure of that exset pattern, but would be glad to fill your order from anything c-lso In tno shop. Hy tho wny, did anybody ever find n match for wall paper already purchased? The upshot of It all is thnt you buy n new outfit, pry tlio cash und cairv it homo, and nre told when you get thero that your wife has concluded to hnvu tlio room caleimliicil.nuYwuy. You ciin cither swear and bu n biulo oi hold jour temper tem-per and bo u saint just us you like. Belngamnu, you choimo the latter clean house und Bay nothing. I Ono of tho carpets has to bo ripped and sowed over, nnd whllo you nro busy with such llttlo things as going without your dinner, lifting two-Ion bureaus and full-loagth mirrors, carrying nut wardrobes ward-robes and baso burners, that amiable woman, with a ragged calico dress on. sits down in tho midst of tho litter and sows llko a Trojan. Sho tells you what a lot of lovely new things Mrs. Illank is going to get for her parlor, ami harries you into promising a itood deal better MKl THEN COMES THE IlEWAItD. outfit, even though "you know your salary is already overdrawn. You blister knees nnd knuckles scrubbing the Uoor.and fall from tho step-ladder while trying to brush tho dust from' tho celling. cell-ing. You knock tho llttlo statuettes from tho brackets where they had gained a residence, and in a fit of impatienco at pounding your thumb throw tho hammer ham-mer tbroug.'i the largest window pano in the house. You tcur your clothes on nulls thnt wcro never revealed before, and cut both hands on tho butcher knlfo whllo struggling to proparo a lunch. Your ravenous appetite enn And nothing but husks of n better living to feed upon, and not many even of them. A tailor comes nud presents his bill, which ho claims Is duo nnd has lung been In that condition, aud in th faco of proof so positive you cannot for u moment maUo your wife understand whero all tho money goes to. When you have lived through tnrco days of this sort of agony, going to bed at midnight, only to rise with a midsummer mid-summer dawn, you find tbo house is cleaned nnd tho things that wcro so hard to movo out can now bo moved in again. Though bruised and broken In body nnd spirit, you nro stilt in tho rlng.aud como up to tho scratch with a icadlncss that would disqualify you for the prlzo ring any day lu the week. Not a mau.womau or child has appeared to help you, and it seems that nolllicr love nor money can Induce them to sell an hour's labor. The Ico man stands on tho back stop of his wagon aud laughs ns you strniu every muscle of your body escorting dray-loads dray-loads of furnlturo to their places in tho house, nnd even tho neighbors stop and nsk you how you llko it. They tell your wlfo on tho quiet that she is fortunate, but she knows that and always has. You struggle through tho setting up of stoves, the jointing of pipes nnd tho stretching of stubborn carpets, ami you swear when It Is all over that you will never, so long as reason maintains her throtio In your distracted globe never clean houso again. Hut then comes tho reward. Then comes tho victory, Tho consciousness that you may puss n stovo without being asked to lift It; that not ono of the tablos or chairs or bureaus needs moving for another year nnd that you may man-ago man-ago to dlo beforo that time. All theso things aro sweet nud soothing to tho tired soul nnd tho moro than bruised and broken body. You may now soil what was onco your Sunday suit to the old clothes man and sit down in perfect peace to a meal of victuals cooked In the ordinary way. You may go to bed at tho proper hour and not feel iu your heart of hearts that really you ought to bo up and fixing things so that thero will bo less to do to-morrow. You hnvo earned your roward, und If you aro wiso you will uever allow any woman to beguile you into such an Indiscretion again. Henceforward you swear you would rather llvo In comfortablo dirt than In the cleanest bouso thnt was roofed over provided ynu havo tho cleaning to do yourJolf.-C'iiVrijo Herald. |