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Show Instruments of Torture. "Well," said tho brldcgroomto-be, "I suppose you'll bo sorry, Willie, when tho tlmo comes for your sister's wedding." "Not much!" replied tho small brother. bro-ther. "It will gimme nn excuso to chuck pa's slippers nwny." Where He'll Come In. "Why nrcn't you eatln', Bobby?" "I won't bo hungry for half an hour yet." "We'll bo through dinner by that tlmo." "No, you won't you'll JuBt nbout bo gcttln' to the pie." THE ANIMAL MASQUERADE. Tho animals for miles around Wero all assembled there. Old Rhino took Miss Tiger And tho fox tho dancing bear. Tho ball progressed qulto lively, but Tho guests ran for tho trees When big fnt Mr. Hippo Caused an earthquake with a sneeze. 8lde Lights on History. Tho great Chlncso wall had been completed. "Of course, It won't Inst forovor," said tho builder, "but by tho tlmo it becomes n. g. wo shall depend on tho boxers and tho boycott to Kcop tho foreign devils out. Feeling that in any emergency ho could rely upon Mr. Wu to mnko things unpleasant for tho rascally Americans, ho sat down and ordered a plato of chop suoy. A Literary Regret. "You do not tnko much Interest in literature," said tho Intellectual young womnn. "Yes, I do," answered Mr. Cumrox. "As a business mnn I have tho highest respect for It. What I object to is seeing see-ing so many pcoplo who aro competent compe-tent to write first-class advertisements advertise-ments wasting their time on books and magnzlno articles." In Due Form. Proprietor (to now bookkeeper) Young man, I heard you swearing at tho way your predecessor kept tho books, and I may .as well toll you that I don't llko profanity and wish to hear no mora of IL Now Bookkeeper I bog your pardon, par-don, Mr. Trott. I wns merely er taking tho oath of ofllco. Crafty. Mrs. Ascum "Mrs. Phnmley has so many children I don't seo how sho manages to get them all looking so neat nnd clean every afternoon." j Mrs. Hewitt "Well, sho's n shrewd I manager. Just beforo It's time to I dress them for dinner sho lets them I blow soap bubbles. In that way they wash themselves." I j Of Course. Pcckham You'vo seen D'Auber's i portrnlt of my wife, eh? Very llfo- lll.e, Isn't It? j Crlttlck Oh, yes, but It Isn't exact-I exact-I ly what you'd call a speaking likeness, I do you think? I Pcckham Of courso, It Is, elso how 1 could It bo llfellko? At the Conclusion. Homngnn Ho told mo about this tlmo last year that ho had arrived at j thu conclusion that n trip to Europe i would do him good. i Holmes Yes, nnd he's thero yet. 1 Homngnn In Kuropo? I Holmes No; where ho had arrived i when yon saw hint. J George Trumped the Trick. Sho "Georgo, if I agreed to marry you you'd bo kind to my dog, wouldn't you?" He "But you know how Insanely Jealous I am!" Sho "Dear Georgo. I'll send tho dog to mamma's." Adaptability. "I obsorvo that you havo persuaded your constituents to think as you do." "That's how It looks," announced Scnntor Sorghum, "but, as a matter of fnct, I havo persuaded myself to think as most of my constituents do," Unconscious of Error, Tippler Somo of you fellows don't know when you'vo got enough. Boozlclgh Illc thnt'j becnuso when we've Rot enough wo don't know anything. Boston Transcript. A Threat. "Sir," said tho visitor, as ho presented pre-sented his manuscript, "I am only n young author, but " "Sir," Interrupted tho hard-hearted editor, "you'll bo n 'struggling young author' If you don't get out of your own volition Immediately." What He Had Learned. Jones I supposo you know moro nbout that horso yojt got of Deacon Smith Inst week than when you made tho trade? Brown Yos, nnd I know a lot more about Deacon Smith now thnn I did then. ""ywvvvvvvWMW I The Practical Maid. "Georgo always puts things In a business bus-iness wny. Yesterday ho nccused mo of tempting him to spend so much of his affection On mo that now ho Is a bankrupt In lovo." "What did you reply?" "Oh, I turned him over to pa for examination ex-amination In supplementary proceedings." proceed-ings." Leading Up to It. "I thought you Bald you would nover call n child of yours after any great man?" , "Well, I" "But you havo given him tho snmo nnme of your bear." After that It was easy, of courso, to mako tho touch. Often. Arnmintn (exhibiting tho family cherub) Is thero nnythlng sweoter than a baby? Young Spoonnll Why, I somotlmos think n baby's clghtccn-ycar-old sister Is Just a ltttlo or .Chicago American. A 8tep Forward. "I seo whoro tho Hnsty Pudding club proposed nn amatour farco." "That's n big improvement. Most amateur hasty puddings produce tragedies." Where Was the Harm. "Hero, sir!" shouted Poploy at his 7-year-old, "take that cigar stump out of your mouth. How doro you?" "Why, when you throwed It nwuy I thought you was dono with it," replied the youngster, with n surprised air. Financially Speaking. Miss Wise Tho word "sterling" ns applied to Kugllsh money seems to bo lost In obscurity. Mr. Short Yes, nnd so Is tho word "money," ns far us I am concerned. Why the Burglar Had a Fit. "John," whispered his wife, shak-l BBJ Ing him, "I hear somebody in tho! BBJ basement." BBJ John groped his wny, half nwako, BH to tho wnll, and bawled down tho rog- BH BH "You infcrnnl scoundrel," ho said, "after you havo satisfied yourself that BH (hero's nothing worth stealing down BJ thcro will you please push In tho up- flfl per damper rod of tho furnnco? I for- BH got to do it." HH Then ho crawled back Into bed HB BB Mourning Cigarettes. Hfl Percy do Flshtcr created n sensa- BB tton nt tho Ultra club tho other night HB when ho drew forth a clgaretto with , BB n tiny blnck band printed on tho BB paper closo to tho mouthpiece. "My undo died yestordny," ho ex- BB plained. "I had thoso cigarettes spo- BB daily mado with a mourning band." BB Ho wns tho object of envy all the ' BB evening. New York Press. BB Within the Reach of All. Mrs. Bugglns The Mugginses are, BB talking nbout going to Europe. I wish; H wo could. HB Mr. Bugglns Well, wo can. Mrs. Bugglns How you tnlk; you H know wo can't afford to go abroad. BB Mr. Bugglns But you snld tho "Mug- BB glnscs wcro talking about It; there's BH nothing cheaper than talk. BJ The Other Side. Backed by public opinion, they went BB flat-hunting with proud confidence. BH The Park mansions pleased thorn. HH "But do you," they snld to tho land- BH lord, "object to children?" HH "Dear, no," tho man replied. "Thcro Hfl aro already sixty-seven in tho house." H And yet, strangely enough, thoy H looked el so where HH Marks of Esteem. Bfl "I thought Rlchley Skinner waa HH qulto n popular citizen of your town." Bfl "Who told you that?" BH "Woll, I was told ho lmd won many. BH marks of esteem from his follow HB citizens." Hfl "Yes, dollar-marks." Bfl A Surface View. H "A funny thing happened at tho de- Hfl partmcnt ofllco tho other day. A man Bfl who wished to put an application for BH a position on file sent his photograph HH along with his application." Bfl "Possibly ho wished to bo taken at IH his faco value." HH Also a Reformer. BH "Doy'ro scndln' n lot o gratters to Bfl Jail," remnrked Meandering Mlko. Bfl "I'm glad of It," nnsworod Plodding B Potc. "If dls high-class patronage B keeps coraln' In maybo do wardens Bfl will wako up an Improvo de nccom- IH modatlons." Bfl The Fair 8ex. B Knlckor Women are inconsistent. BH Bocker Yes; tho samo ono who BH excuses her son with "boys will bo Hfl boys" won't let her husband bo one Bfl of tho boys. HH A Degree of Existence. HB Hewitt You llvo at a boarding H house, I bcllovo? Jowctt You flatter me when you B say "llvo." Wanted Universal Peace. "Perkins has soparnted from his y? wlfo and gone to llvo In bachelor KJ apartments." fUji "What 'tl ho do that for?" g? "Ho smi ho couldn't llvo without SrK somo of the comforts of homo." Llfo. 9g Old-Fashloned Simplicity. H "Our dads wcro n lot of mossbacks, H weren't thoy?" BJ " 'Deed they wero. Why, those old H chaps used to actually think that the BJ 'ninck Crook was Indecent." H HI BflW |